


Admission I thru IX (2/6)

by thebasement_archivist



Category: The X-Files
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 1999-09-30
Updated: 1999-09-30
Packaged: 2018-11-20 15:28:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 53,577
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11338257
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thebasement_archivist/pseuds/thebasement_archivist
Summary: Krycek gets caught in Mulder's apartment. Fight. (Sort of) Talk. (Kinda) Denial. (of course) Admission (hence the title) Sex. (naturally) Self Loathing. (you didn't expect the hearts and flowers right away, did you?)





	Admission I thru IX (2/6)

**Author's Note:**

> Note from alice ttlg, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Basement](http://fanlore.org/wiki/The_Basement), which moved to the AO3 to ensure the stories are always available and so that authors may have complete control of their own works. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in June 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Basement's collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/thebasement/profile).

 

Admission by Aries

  
6:31 p.m.

Mulder dropped his keys onto the coffee table and picked up the ringing phone.

"Hello?"

Silence.

His heart thudded. "Hello?"

"Mulder. Sorry, hang on a minute."

Frohike. 

He released his breath. For a split second there, he thought it might have been...

"Okay, I'm back."

"What's up, Frohike?"

"We're comin to get ya."

"For?"

"Supper."

"Huh?"

"It's all-you-can-eat nachos night, down at Shooters. We'll pick you up."

//Scully.//

"Frohike, I appreciate the offer but I don't think..."

"Come on, man. Langly is buying."

He couldn't help smiling when he heard the surprised 'What?' in the background.

"Really, I don't think I can. That stuff'll sit like a rock in my stomach."

"Okay then, what do you feel like?"

"I just want to stay home."

"We'll bring something to you. What'll it be?"

God, there was no getting rid of him.

"Okay Frohike, okay. I don't know. Something light."

"Light. Hmm. We'll see what we can come up with. See you in a while."

"Right."

Mulder hung up and walked slowly into the bedroom to change.

  
8:13 p.m.

Langly looked over the tops of his glasses at Mulder's plate.

"Mulder, you're not eating."

"Yes, I am."

"You hardly made a dent."

Mulder stared down at his plate.

"Come on, buddy. You gotta eat. You're so skinny, I bet Byers here, could kick your ass."

Byers said nothing. He simply looked from Langly to Mulder, then returned his attention back to his meal.

"I just don't have an appetite, Langly. Everything tastes like wood."

"How would you know what wood tastes like? Been knawing on the door frames, lately?"

Mulder smiled at Frohike's lame attempt at humor. "I'm sorry, guys. I know you went to a lot of trouble..."

"It's no trouble at all. Just *eat*, dammit!"

Mulder turned his attention back to his food and tried to provide the guys with a good report to take back to Scully.

Over an hour later, Byers stood to leave. 

"Come on, guys. It's after nine-thirty. Mulder's gotta get some sleep."

Frohike and Langly followed suit.

"You don't have to leave. I'm not going to bed any time soon."

"You should be," Langly scolded. "You don't get enough rest."

"Scully's been talking to you, hasn't she?"

"Yeah, but she doesn't need to. We're not blind, buddy. We can see that something is really wrong and we want to help."

"I know you do." He patted Langly on the back and gave an appreciative nod to the other two. "But I'll be okay."

"Well, hurry up about it, would you?" Frohike interjected.

"I'll see what I can do."

Byers pushed his friends. "Come on, you guys."

Frohike and Langly trudged out into the hall. Byers stopped in front of Mulder. He tried to keep his eyes on the man before him, but they kept flicking away.

"Take care, huh?"

Mulder studied him. Felt his apprehension. It had been this way with him for months, now.

"Yeah, Byers. Thanks. Thanks again for dinner, guys."

"No problem," Langly held up a hand. "At least you ate something."

"Did you take notes? Scully will want to know exactly how much."

Frohike smirked and walked away, leading the rest. "Later, buddy."

"Later."

Mulder closed the door and began clearing the coffee table. When he was through, he went to his coat and pulled out the bottle of tranquilizers that Scully had gotten for him. He shook one into his hand and retreated to the kitchen for a glass of water.

"Well," he said softly to himself, "here's hoping." He tossed the pill into his mouth and took a long swallow of water. He went to the bedroom not long afterward and undressed. He laid back against the pillows and looked up at the ceiling.

"Okay, pill. Do your stuff."

Just when he was about the give up hope, his eyes began to feel heavy. Soon afterward, he was asleep.

  
10:17 p.m.

"What'll it be?"

"Corona."

Krycek reached for the bottle placed in front of him and looked around. Kind of dead, tonight. Too cold, he guessed. And it had started to snow. He hadn't planned on coming out either, but cabin fever was getting the better of him. All he could think about was being snug and warm in bed with Fox, watching the downy flakes fall. He smiled sadly.

Hot chocolate and popcorn. Really bad movies. Making love in the flickering light of the t.v...

//You just can't stop, can you?//

He drank the beer down and banged his hand on the bar to get the bartender's attention.

"Gimme another one...as a matter of fact, you know what? Why don't you just set me up with a few, that way I don't have to keep bothering you."

"You know," the bartender began, "you've been at this for a while. Now, I should just shut up and serve, because you're giving me your money. But I hate to see somebody drinking their life away. You're good looking. You're young. Booze'll make you old, real fast. And it won't solve any of your problems."

"Thank you," Krycek said softly. "Now if you're through with the psychoanalysis, set me up."

The bartender shrugged and placed three bottles on the bar. "It's your life. Or lack thereof."

"Now, you got it."

Two hours later, he stepped outside and turned his face up into the snow.

//Hmm. Not too drunk. Good thing.//

He got into his car and pulled away from the curb. It wasn't until he had been driving for about fifteen minutes, that he began to question himself.

//Where the hell are you going?//

//You know where.//

//No. Don't. You can't.//

//Sure you can. You're not going to go in, you're just going to sit outside for a while.//

//What the fuck for? It's not like you're going to see him pass in front of the window or anything. it's late. He's got to be asleep by now.//

//I know. I just want to be near him. Just for a minute.//

He pulled up outside the building and cut the motor. For the longest time he just sat there, staring up at the window belonging to apartment forty-two.

  
Tuesday,1:12 a.m.

Mulder's eyelids drifted upward. Searched the darkness. His gaze fell on the clock.

"So much for tranquilizers."

He stared out at nothing for a moment, then continued his conversation with himself. "Although, this is probably the longest period of uninterrupted sleep you've had in months. And at least there were no dreams. Okay, so maybe they *are* worth something."

//And maybe you shouldn't have done all that talking, because now you're wide awake.//

He got out of bed and made his way through the dark and into the living room.

//Maybe some work will put you out.//

Krycek sat bolt upright as the light went on. The shadow in front of the window came into focus then blurred again, as a sudden film of moisture pricked at his eyes. He blinked rapidly, trying to clear his vision. When he'd succeeded, he saw him. Sitting with his back to the curtainless window. He could see the glow of the computer as well.

//Working at this hour?//

He whispered up to the figure in the window. "It's late, baby. You should be asleep...and I shouldn't be here. What if you turn and look out the window? You might see me. Then what?"

He sat for a while, contemplating that question. 

What if he *did* see?

What if Mulder made it outside before he'd had a chance to leave? Maybe that little fantasy he'd had in the bar wasn't so far fetched.

"Stop it. Just fucking stop it. What the hell are you doing here? Go home. Leave him alone. Let him have a chance."

Before he could change his mind again, he started the engine and pulled quickly away from the curb.

  
Mulder heard the faint rumble of a motor and spun in his chair, to look out the window. By the time he got a good look, all that was left was fresh tire tracks in the snow. He stared out at the street covered in white, unable for God knew what reason, to tear his eyes away. He sat that way for a good long time, before finally rising from his seat. He shut the computer down and stretched out on the sofa. He fell asleep, sometime just before dawn.

  
9:19 a.m.

"Morning."

"Hi." Scully checked her watch. Before she could comment on the time, he spoke up.

"I was asleep."

"You were?"

"Yeah. I took one of those pills last night and slept for a few hours, then woke up. I got up and did some work, then laid down on the couch and fell asleep at around five."

"Well, it wasn't much, but it's probably more sleep than you've gotten over the course of one night, for a long, long time."

Mulder nodded.

"Did you eat?"

"I didn't have breakfast. Just took a quick shower and got dressed. But I ate last night. The guys came over with some food...like you didn't know."

"Look, Mulder. I'm not going to deny that I've had a little talk with the guys. I need as much help as I can get, keeping you in line."

"What do they know?"

"Same as Skinner. Well..."

"Well, what?"

"I never told you, but Byers was in your room, the night that Krycek came. I sent him out for coffee, but he'd have to be deaf and blind not to know that something was up."

"That explains that."

"What?"

"He's been very quiet. Won't look me in the eye for long. He may not know anything for sure, but he's had a number of months to think about whatever little he saw or heard. Maybe I should just tell them."

"What would be the point? I mean, he asked a couple of times at the beginning, but I apologized and told him that I couldn't say. He let it drop and never mentioned it again. Langly and Frohike don't seem as though they know, do they?"

"No, Byers would never speculate. If he had facts, that might be a different story. He's obviously uncomfortable, Scully. Maybe I can alleviate some of that discomfort."

"And maybe you'll make it worse. We have no way of knowing how Byers is going to react to something like that. He's kind of straight laced. It's probably better that he stay in his state of confusion."

Mulder shrugged. "Maybe."

"Well, let's forget about that, for now. Come on. Let's go get you something to eat."

Mulder quietly followed his partner out of the office.

  
The next few days brought a marked improvement in Mulder. He was sleeping at least five hours a night, thanks to the tranquilizers and he was eating a little better. Scully was afraid to breathe a sigh of relief just yet, but for the first time in ages, she was hopeful that her partner would make a full recovery. He had a long road ahead of him, but at least he was trying.

Mulder sat at his desk, oblivious to the fact that Scully was watching him, smiling. He was staring at a coroner's report, but not reading. His mind was a thousand miles away. He'd often lapse into fantasy while at his desk, but Scully never seemed to notice. Or if she did, she said nothing about it.

Today, he was sitting in a restaurant, having lunch with Scully. He looked up just in time to see a tall, dark-haired man in a leather jacket, enter the restroom. He excused himself and made his way to the room at the far end of the restaurant. He entered cautiously and caught sight of the man, alone, washing his hands. His head was down and his back was to him, but Mulder would know him anywhere.

He said nothing, only stood at the door and waited until the man took notice of him. Seconds later, he looked up into the mirror at his reflection and caught sight of the man behind him. He spun on his heel and faced Mulder.

No words. Only heated stares.

Finally, Mulder broke the silence.

"Surprised to see me?"

"Y-yeah."

"No more surprised than I was to see you."

"Fox..."

Mulder took two steps toward him. "I don't want to hear it." Two more steps. "I don't want to know." He closed the rest of the distance between them. He touched the tip of his finger to Krycek's trembling bottom lip. "I missed you. Now, if you didn't miss me, if none of what happened between us meant anything to you, leave. Now. I won't stop you. But if it did..."

He paused, waiting for a reaction.

It came in a fierce grip at the back of his neck, pulling him forward. 

Their lips met, tongues immediately seeking out the heat inside. Hands tore at clothing, grasping and pulling. Baring skin and flexing muscle.

"Fox...Fox..." Krycek tried to catch his breath so that he could speak. "The door..."

"I locked it when I came in," Mulder murmured against his mouth. "Now if you don't have any more problems, I'm going to fuck you...."

  
"Mulder.."

"Huh? Oh. S-sorry. I guess I drifted away for a minute."

"No kidding. Where the hell did you go? You have such an odd expression on your face."

//Guess she had to notice at some point.//

He opened his mouth to speak, but fell silent.

"Okay. Nevermind. I probably don't want to know, right?"

He gave no answer. He merely lowered his eyes.

She waved her hand in the air. "Let's get out of here early, what do you say? It's Friday, there's nothing going on that can't wait for Monday. Let's just blow this place and go get something to eat.

Mulder tossed the file down onto his desk and smiled up at her. "Sounds good."

"Really? Or are you just saying that to make me feel better, so I won't worry all weekend?"

"No, I'm not just saying that. Let's go."

  
6:43 p.m.

Mulder was actually feeling a little hungry. He couldn't believe it. When the server put his meal down in front of him, it looked appetizing. Wow. And it was good. Scully watched, pleased as he shoved the third forkful into his mouth.

"How's your stomach?"

"So far, so good."

She smiled. He was coming back.

//Thank you.//

"Hi baby, it's me..."

Mulder froze, fork poised in mid-air.

"Mulder? What is it? You look funny all of a sudden."

That voice. Low and masculine. Familiar. Right behind him.

//Don't be stupid. Scully can obviously see behind you and she's having no reaction at all, so...//

Still, he had to look.

He turned his head slowly. There was indeed a man behind him. A stalky blonde at the next table, talking on his cell phone.

"Yeah, I'll be a little later than I expected..."

He did sound vaguely like Alex but not as much as he did a few seconds before.

"Mulder?"

Scully's voice turned him back around.

"What?"

"What do you mean, what? All the color has just drained out of your face. What the hell just happened?"

Mulder shook his head. "Nothing."

"Don't hand me that. It's most definitely something. I want to know what."

"It's just..." He fidgeted. "I just thought I heard..."

"What?"

"The guy behind me. With all the noise in here, he almost sounded like..." He put his fork down.

"Alex." Scully finished his thought.

He nodded.

Suddenly she was reminded that this *was* going to take as long as she originally thought. Longer, maybe.

"You're going to see and hear lots of men who might remind you of him. I know it's going to be hard, but you've got to learn to cope with it."

"Yeah, I know." He stared down at his quickly cooling food.

"Come on, finish eating."

He shrugged. "I'm not hungry, anymore."

//Shit, shit, shit.//

"Mulder, *please*. You were doing so well."

"I can't, Scully. I'm sorry."

She decided not to push. He'd probably have many of these 'relapses' and that was something that *she* was going to have to learn to cope with.

"I'm not feeling very well, Scully. I think I'm going to head home."

"I'll go with you."

"No. I'll be okay. I think I just want to go to bed."

"Well okay, but call me when you get home."

"I will."

Scully stopped him as he reached for his wallet.

"I got this, Mulder."

"You want to waste your hard earned money on a largely untouched meal?"

"Yep."

"You're too good to me."

"And don't you forget it."

They walked out to their cars, parked side by side. They stopped between the two and Scully held her arms out to him. He leaned into them, wearily.

"You're making progress, Mulder. This is just a little setback. Don't let it get you down, okay?"

She felt his nod against her shoulder.

"Call me."

"I will."

"As soon as you get home, you hear me?"

"I hear you."

She kissed the side of his head and released him.

"Get some sleep."

Scully pulled out of the lot first, then Mulder. He tried to keep his mind occupied on the drive home. Tried to think of everything and anything but Alex Krycek. But the harder he tried, the more he realized that he was fighting an uphill battle.

As soon as he reached his apartment, he picked up the phone and dialed Scully's number. She answered on the second ring.

"It's me."

"Just get in?"

"Yeah."

"You okay?"

"Yeah."

"All right, then. Are you going to bed, soon?"

Mulder checked his watch. "In a while. It's kind of early, still."

"Make sure that you do. I'll talk to you tomorrow."

"Goodnight, Scully."

He disconnected, then shrugged out of his coat and threw it across the back of a chair. 

//Would it kill you to hang that up?//

Alex's voice. 

He was the Felix to Mulder's Oscar, only not nearly so neurotic. And about three hundred times sexier.

Mulder backed up two steps, and plucking the coat off the chair, went to the closet and hung it up. In his mind, he could see Krycek standing there with that smug expression on his face, applauding.

//Wise ass.//

He heaved a depressed sigh and crossed over to the sofa. He dropped down onto it and reached for the remote. 

"Crap....crap.....garbage....crap...hmm."

He stopped on A Very Brady Thanksgiving and dropped the remote down beside his thigh. Within minutes, he was soundly asleep.

  
Saturday, 12:12 a.m.

Krycek sat at the bar, leaning back against it. A half empty bottle of beer dangled from his hand. The place was jumping tonight. And why not, it was Friday night. He glanced at his watch. Okay, it was Saturday morning. Whatever.

His eyes narrowed on the man who'd just walked through the door. Tall. At least as tall as he was. Lean. Brown hair....he turned quickly to face the bar. A vague resemblance. Nothing more.

He drained the bottle and signaled for another. Halfway through the new bottle, someone sat down beside him.

"Hi."

He turned in the direction of the voice. 

The man he'd been looking at, earlier. 

Much closer now, he studied the face. Plain, unreadable, medium green eyes. Not emotion-laden, changeable hazel. Flat brown hair. Short cut. Not longish and caressed with golden highlights. The nose. Too aristocratic. No sexy mole. And his lips. This guy could never even *dream* of a mouth as luscious as that of his Fox. 

He turned away.

"A friend of mine told me that you were watching me when I came in."

"I'm a people watcher, so what?"

"So you're telling me that you weren't looking at me for any particular reason?"

Krycek took another swig of beer. "For a split second, you looked like someone I know."

"And now?"

He shook his head.

"I assume you're supposed to be meeting this someone, here?"

"No."

"Stood up?"

"Look. I'm sorry if you thought I was interested in you, but you're wasting your time."

"Maybe I don't think so. I'm a pretty good reader of people's emotions..."

"Yeah, you and everyone else in this fucking place."

"Okay, let me tell you about yourself. Tell me how much I get right."

"This ought to be good for a laugh."

The man shrugged. "Well, if I can make you smile, then it'll be worth it." He cleared his throat. "You haven't always had an easy life. And it's made you hard and bitter. And vulnerable."

Krycek rolled his eyes.

"And in desperate need of love and acceptance."

"Wow. That's amazing. You should take your show on the road, you'd make a fucking fortune."

The man held up a patient hand. "Hold on, you ain't seen nothin yet."

"Great."

"You thought you may finally have found what you've been looking for, but somehow you screwed it up. He won't see you. Won't speak to you. You think that you'd like to go to him. On your knees, if you have to and tell him how sorry you are and that you'll never hurt him again. But pride stops you. And so you sit here, trying to drink the problem away."

Krycek's shoulders shook with silent laughter. "I knew it was just a matter of time before you blew it."

The man smiled. "So. I did get some of it right. I did see through some part of you."

"Stevie Wonder could see what you did. Go practice your mind reading bit on someone else."

"Don't want to. I like *you*. You know, you've got the thickest eyelashes I've ever seen. They're gorgeous. As is the rest of you. I bet you've got a knockout smile. Do you ever smile?"

"I lost the ability months ago."

"I could make you smile. How about giving me the chance to try?"

"No."

The man sighed. "I can also make you scream."

Krycek's head snapped around. "Confident fucker, aren't you?"

"Yeah."

"I admire that in a person. But like I said, I'm not interested. Take off."

The man smirked at him and slipped away without another word.

  
12:31 a.m.

Mulder opened his eyes and stared out into the pitch blackness. What woke him up? He was just starting to dream. Alex had come to him again. Their lips had just barely touched when a sound woke him. Banging. He listened. 

There it was.

The damned hot water pipes.

"Jesus."

The sound had frightened him awake, but at least it stopped the dream before it reached the point where the pain began. He did feel a dull ache in his pants, but nothing in comparison to what he'd experienced on those nights when his dreams were allowed to run for their entire duration.

Still, it was enough to make him not want to go back to sleep. He felt for the remote and sped through the channels. Nothing on. 

He hauled himself off of the sofa and sat down at his desk. He flipped the computer on, then turned it off almost immediately.

"Okay. No t.v. No work. Definitely no sleep. What the hell am I going to do?"

Without thinking much about it, he changed into jeans and a black sweater. He grabbed his keys and a jacket and headed out the door.

  
1:42 a.m.

Krycek stepped out into the cold night air. He looked around at the almost deserted street and grimaced. This was his life. Cold. Desolate. Unbearably lonely.

He took a few steps forward and heard the voice behind him.

"Are you sure you wouldn't like some company?"

"How many different ways do I have to say it?"

"So you're just going to go back to your empty place and jerk off while you look at his picture?"

Krycek's eyes began to glitter with contained anger.

"I've got one last offer for you. Hear me out. If it doesn't grab you, I'll leave you alone. Deal?"

He gave no answer, which the man took as a positive response.

"You've got it bad for this guy. That, I'm sure of. You said that I resembled him."

"At a *distance*."

"Whatever. The point is, there's a resemblance there...what's his name?"

"You wouldn't believe me if I told you...and I won't."

"In the dark, I could look more like him. You can call me by his name. Pretend till your heart's content. I won't mind."

Krycek cocked his head and stared in amazement.

  
1:39 a.m.

//What are you doing out here at this hour? You've been driving for how long now? And do you feel any better? No. Go home, stupid.//

Mulder tightened his grip on the wheel, intending to make the first available U-turn. Before he could, two figures caught his eye. Actually, there were two, but only one got his attention. Tall. Dark. Not extremely visible at this distance, but there was something about the man. The way he stood...the tilt of his head.

//No. It can't be. He's got to be hundreds of miles away from here.//

He slowed the car as he approached and squinted out at the street light flooded scene. His mouth went dry as he came nearer. His heart skipped countless beats. His voice came out in a strangled whisper.

"Alex."

  
1:43 a.m.

"Are you out of your fucking mind? Not even in your..."

"Alex?"

He stopped cold. 

//Jesus.//

That soft monotone belonged to only one man. And he was standing only a matter of a couple of feet behind him. He was paralyzed. He couldn't move. He couldn't breathe. The man standing in front of him watched the scene with silent interest.

"Alex?"

The second utterance of his name seemed to give him back his freedom of movement. He turned toward the sound and suddenly felt as though he had been sucked into a vacuum.

The eyes he'd only just a while ago, been making comparisons to. Only not quite as he knew them. These eyes, surrounded by darkness, sat a little deeper in a face that was more angular and paler than he remembered. There was a dull, haunted look to them, even through the glaze that brightened them.

Even still, through all of that, he knew that these were the eyes he loved. The eyes that he'd fantasized and dreamed of once again losing himself in.

That mouth. Not the usual healthy, rosy pink but otherwise, unchanged.

He was wearing a sweater and a bulky jacket, but even under all the trappings, Krycek could see that the man was slimmer. Almost gaunt. He swallowed, trying to get past the dryness.

"Wh-what are you doing here, Fox?" he asked, barely above a whisper. 

Mulder glanced from Krycek, to the man now behind him, back to Krycek. "I...I couldn't s-sleep. I was just out for a...a drive. Alex, where have you been?"

No accusation in his tone. Only wonder and hurt. Krycek closed his eyes briefly. When he reopened them, Mulder was still staring at him.

"When did you get back? Weren't you going to call or come by?"

He didn't tell him that he'd never left. He couldn't. Shit, he didn't know *what* to say.

"I looked for you after....after I left the hospital. I couldn't find you anywhere..."

Krycek found his voice. "I'm sorry, Fox."

"Don't be sorry." he gave the third man another quick glance. "Come home with me. We need to talk about what happened."

Krycek's head began to pound. Jesus Christ, he was inviting him to come back. How was he going to resist *this*? He had to. 

"I can't."

"It's all right, Alex. *I'm* all right. What happened was *not* your fault."

"It was. You almost *died*. It was nobody else's fault *but* mine."

The man who watched them, folded his arms across his chest and drew his eyebrows together. This just got more and more interesting.

"Did you think I would blame you?"

Krycek gave him a sad smile. "No. I knew you wouldn't." The smile faded. "And that makes it that much worse, don't you see?"

"No." Mulder took a shaky step forward. "I don't see. I miss you, Alex. I'd rather be shot again than have gone through these last months."

"Don't say that, Fox. Please don't..."

He took another step and reached out a trembling hand. A tiny whimper escaped Krycek's lips as Mulder's fingertips just barely brushed his jaw.

"It's been so long," Mulder whispered. "Please." He drew a difficult breath. "We can fix this. Come home with me."

//Yes. I'll come home with you. We'll talk. Get it all straightened out. You'll make me see that everything can be all right. We'll make love until the sun comes up and then fall asleep in each other's arms. And when we wake up, everything will be as it should be...//

"I c...I can't."

"Yes you can. My car is right over there. Just walk to it and get in. And I'll take you home."

"No!"

Mulder flinched and dropped his hand.

//Oh, God forgive me.//

"I can't come home with you, Fox. I won't. If I could change what happened, I would in a heartbeat. But I can't. And now, nothing is the same. It can't be."

"Yes, it can.."

Christ, this was so hard. He hated himself for what he was about to do.

"No, it can't. You asked me where I'd been. I'll tell you......right here. I've been right here, the whole time."

Mulder blinked. "What?"

"I've been here. In Washington. I knew it was the last place you would look." He shrugged as nonchalantly as he could. "Hide in plain sight."

Mulder shook his head slowly. "The whole time?"

"The whole time."

"And you just stayed away?"

"Yeah. It was special, Fox. What we had. But that bullet put an end to it. I can't be in your life anymore. I have a new life, now." He turned to glance at the man who was still watching with fascination. "I hoped that you would get one, too."

"I don't believe you."

"You should."

Krycek forced himself to back up, moving to the third man's side. He forced his eyes to stay trained on Mulder. He motioned to the man with a flick of his head. "We were just leaving when you arrived."

//Holy Christ, what are you doing? What are you doing? //

//You're saving his life. Don't weaken.//

Mulder's eyes flicked quickly between both men. "No. Alex. You told me...you said that I was..."

"I know what I said. And I meant it at the time. But things have changed. I'm sorry. I really am."

Mulder stood silently, not knowing what to do or say. The world had just come crashing down on him. Every last little bit of hope he'd clung to, had been ripped from his grasp by the one who had, in such a short span of time, gone from hated enemy to core of his existence. His eyes glistened with unshed tears.

Krycek's gaze dropped from his face. How could he have forgotten? With nothing more than a glance, a facial expression, this man was able to irritate the hell out of him, fill him with joy, raging desire...or do what he was doing now. Shatter his heart into a million pieces.

"Go home Fox," he rasped. "Forget you saw me."

//Don't look at him. If you look at him, you'll be all done.//

He willed himself to turn away. "Take care of yourself." And he began to walk in the other direction, praying that his legs would hold him up long enough to at least get him out of Mulder's line of sight.

Mulder stood motionless, watching. Making no attempt to stop the tears from dropping onto the pavement.

Once he reached a safe spot, Krycek stopped, almost causing a back-end collision with the man who had followed him. He stumbled backward against the brick wall of a building and buried his face in trembling hands.

"You did the right thing, cutting him loose," the man said, touching his shoulder. "I'm sorry, I know he obviously means a lot to you, but...I just can't see it. I can't see you with that pathetic loser..."

Before he could utter his next word, he found himself pinned by the throat against the wall, gasping for breath.

"Don't." Each word came out in measured syllables. "You have no *fucking* idea who he is."

He released the man, who brought his hand to his throat and moved a few steps away.

"So...so that whole 'we were just leaving' thing was for his benefit, I guess."

"You guess right. Get the hell out of my sight."

The man shuffled away, having no desire to push any more of his luck than he already had.

Krycek leaned back against the wall and contemplated what he'd just done. 

//Fox...God, why did he have to see me? How is what I've just done going to affect him?//

He had to believe that it was for the best. A few days of brooding and Fox would come to the conclusion that he was a lying dog, not worth losing any sleep over.

He moved cautiously back onto the street. A quick glance at the spot in which they'd been, told him that Mulder had gone. He just prayed that he had gone *home*.

  
2:38 a.m.

Somehow, Mulder's car had found it's way back to his apartment. He parked on the street and had only managed to make it up two of the outside steps, before sinking down onto the third. His hands clenched in his hair as he tried to absorb what had happened. 

How could this be? He was so sure. Alex had done so much to prove to him that he cared for him. When he looked into his eyes, all he could see was the deepest sincerity. How could it have been a lie? How could he stand there tonight and tell him that they were over? And then *leave*...with another man?

He raised his head and stared blankly out into the empty street.

  
4:40 a.m.

Krycek shifted position on the mattress for the umpteenth time. It was useless. No matter which way he turned, he could not get comfortable. Every time he closed his eyes, he could see Fox looking at him with those sunken, dull eyes. So hurt and confused.

His voice. Hoarse and crackling with barely restrained anguish.

//"...you said that I was..."//

The only one.

That's what he would have said if Alex had let him finish.

He gripped the key he still wore and his lower lip began to tremble.

"You are."

He rolled onto his side and cried himself to sleep.

  
7:02 a.m.

"Mulder? Mulder!" Scully approached the steps of Mulder's building. "What the hell are you doing? I called the apartment *and * your cell phone, and no...oh my God." She touched his downturned face. "You're *freezing*. How long have you been out here?"

Mulder gave no answer. He only continued to stare at the ground.

She'd get answers later. Right now, she had to get him inside.

"Come on, Mulder. Up. You gotta help me." She tucked both hands under one arm and pulled. "Stand *up*!"

Finally, she got him on his feet and managed to walk him to the elevator. She propped him up against the wall and held on to him until the doors opened on the fourth floor. She walked him slowly to his apartment and got him inside and over to the sofa.

"Mulder." She removed his jacket. "Mulder, I'll be right back."

No response.

Scully disappeared into his bedroom and returned with a blanket. She wrapped it around him and took a seat by his side.

"Mulder? Please talk to me. What's wrong? How long were you outside?"

His eyes left the floor and focused on her, yet he remained silent.

"What is it, Mulder? Please tell me. I want to help you."

He moved his head slowly, from side to side.

"No? No, what?" She brought a hand up to his face. Still cold. She rubbed his arms briskly. "Tell me, Mulder."

He opened his mouth but no sound came out. Scully waited patiently. 

"I saw..." his mouth began to form a word, but then it closed.

"What did you see?"

His eyes misted over and she started to get a bad feeling in the pit of her stomach.

"Alex."

And there it was.

"Where?"

"Other...other side of...of town. Outside of a bar."

"When?"

"Last n-night." He amended his statement. "This morning."

"What were you doing on the other side of town, this morning?"

"Couldn't sleep. I went for a....um....a drive." The moisture pooled in his eyelids but did not fall.

"I assume it wasn't a good meeting."

"He's been in Washington all the...all the time. All the time."

"The entire five months?"

He nodded. "I asked him to come..." He took a ragged breath. "..home with me. So w-we could straighten this out. He wouldn't. Said that it was too late." One tear fell. Two. "He was with a...a man. He left with him." He blinked, releasing a fresh stream of tears.

"Oh, my God. Mulder..." 

What the hell to say? She put her arms around him and held tight, feeling his body spasm as it fought to hold back the sobs. While she held him, her mind was reeling.

This couldn't be. Krycek wouldn't do this to him. If he had told her this at any time *before* that night in the hospital, she'd have no trouble whatsoever, believing it. But not now. There had to be more to it. And she was going to find out what it was.

Scully coaxed him into a reclining position and went into the kitchen to make a phone call.

  
9:34 a.m.

Scully threw the door open and allowed the three men to enter.

"We got here as soon as we could, what's..."

Scully shushed Frohike and motioned the group into the kitchen.

"Guys, we uh....we have a situation, here."

"What kind of situation? Where's Mulder?"

"Asleep on the sofa." She took a deep breath and released it. "I need your help. Mulder...needs your help."

"Sure." Langly stepped forward. "Anything we can do. You guys know that. What's he need?"

"He's in bad shape."

"I thought he was doing a little better?"

"He was. But something happened very early this morning. Something I just don't think he's equipped to deal with. I found him sitting out on the front steps this morning, half frozen."

Byers broke his silence. "What happened?"

"This is...this is very difficult. I never would take it upon myself to tell you this, but Mulder is unable to, and you need to know...right now, if you're going to help."

Langly leaned back against the counter. "Tell us, then."

Scully raised a hand to her forehead. "Where the hell do I start?"

"Just start wherever you need to start, to make us understand. And tell us what he needs. We'll do whatever. Get whatever."

"I'm depending on you to do that. If you can't..."

"We will. What is it that he needs?"

//Just spit it out.//

"Alex Krycek."

Three men stood in silence. Two of them, stunned. 

Frohike was the first to speak. "Did you say..."

"Yes."

"Has he got some kind of miracle cure that you need to get your hands on?"

"In a manner of speaking. He is the cure."

Langly shook his head. "Explain this, cause I just *know* I'm understanding it wrong."

"Guys, you're good friends. What I'm telling you is very sensitive information. I can trust you..."

"Of course, you can."

Scully nodded and risked a glance at Byers. His eyes were cast downward. She turned back to the other two.

"Mulder and Krycek are....involved. Well, they *were*..."

"Involved?" Frohike whispered. "You mean, like..."

"Yes, I do."

"I can't believe it," Langly said, raising a hand to the back of his neck. "He's sleeping with that rat bastard?"

"I know it's a shock. But he's the same man you've always known. And he needs your help. The story is too long for me to go into right now, and there's no time to lose. I need you to track Krycek down. He's somewhere in Washington. Mulder saw him downtown last night outside of a bar. I know it's going to be tough, but if anyone can find him, you guys can. Can I count on you?"

All three men were silent for a moment, then Langly spoke up. 

"I don't care who he sleeps with. Mulder is still a righteous dude. I'm in."

"Ditto for me," Frohike broke in.

Scully turned to Byers who was still looking at the floor.

"Byers?"

He met her eye. 

"Are you okay with it? Will you help?"

"This is what was going on that night?"

"Yes." 

"Well. It makes sense, now." He raised his chin. "I can't tell you that Mulder's involvement with another man doesn't disturb me a little. It does. But not so much that it blinds me to the fact that he's my friend. And he needs my help. You can count me in."

"Thank you, Byers. Now. You've got all the information that I have, which isn't much. Oh. Except for this. Mulder said that Krycek was with another man outside of that bar. I think that chances are great that it was a gay bar. That should narrow the initial search area down a bit. Start there, but comb this city, guys. The last time I saw him, he was driving a small, black BMW. When you find him, call me. And don't let him out of your sight till I can get there. Now one of you should stay here with me, so if I have to leave, Mulder won't be alone.

"I'll stay," Langly volunteered. "And if it takes a while, we can always work in shifts."

Frohike moved to the kitchen door. "Sounds like a plan. Let's go. Time's a wastin'."

Once Byers and Frohike were gone, Scully and Langly retreated to the living room. Langly stood over Mulder, studying him. 

"Scully?"

"Hmm?"

"How long..uh...how long has he...been involved with Rat..uh...Krycek?"

"It started over six months ago. Believe me Langly, I was *not* happy. Not happy at all. I was positive that Mulder was on the fast track to destruction, being involved with this man. I was so sure that Krycek was lying. That this was some kind of plot to either kill Mulder or bring him down once and for all, and nothing could convince me otherwise. Until the night after he was shot. I waited here for Krycek. I knew he'd be coming. I'd come to kill him. But the way he reacted when he found out what happened, convinced me. I took him to the hospital, and if I'd had any residual doubt at all, they were removed in Mulder's hospital room." 

"Hey, if that's good enough for you, it's good enough for me."

Scully lowered her head. "We're in a real spot though, now. So much has gone wrong. Krycek blames himself for Mulder's shooting and is completely convinced that Mulder would be better off without him. After Mulder regained consciousness, Krycek disappeared. I know his intentions are honorable, but it's not right. Mulder's been so depressed..."

"And that's why he's not sleeping or eating."

"Right. And now, he saw Krycek quite by accident last night, and whatever conversation they had, combined with the fact that Krycek was with another man, has just broken his heart. I don't know *how* long he sat out on those steps, this morning. My guess is at least a couple of hours."

"Wow. But...if they were as hot and heavy as you make it sound, why was Krycek with another man?"

"That's one of the things I intend to find out. Until I speak to him myself, I just have to assume that there is some sane, logical explanation for it. At least, I hope there is."

  
1:12 p.m.

Mulder awoke with a start. He stared, wide-eyed around the room, as if he didn't know where he was. His soft, frightened sounds drew Langly's attention.

"Hey buddy, easy. Scully!" he called in the direction of the kitchen.

She came quickly. "What?"

"He's awake."

She moved over to Mulder and touched his face. "And he's running a temp. Hey Mulder, how do you feel?"

"Scully."

"Yeah. You've been asleep for a while. How are you?"

He glanced around the room.

"You're home, Mulder. Just relax, I'm going to take your temperature." She disappeared into the bathroom, then reappeared with a thermometer. "Open up."

As Mulder lay quietly, Langly spoke to him. "You're going to be all right, buddy. Everything's going to be fine."

Mulder's glazed eyes fell away and dropped to a spot on the floor, in front of the sofa.

Scully removed the thermometer and held it up.

"A hundred point two. Not real bad, but not real good. We need to get some fluids into you, Mulder, before you dehydrate. Langly, he usually keeps stocked pretty well with Gatorade. Can you check on that, for me? And if he's got some, bring in a glass, okay?"

"Will do."

Minutes later, Langly was back with a large glass, filled with clear liquid. 

"He's got three big bottles, that I can see."

"That ought to hold us for a while." She held the glass in front of Mulder. "Here you go."

He looked away.

"Mulder. I'm not asking you. I'm telling you. Take this glass and drink. I know you must be pretty damned upset. God knows I would, if I were you. But you can't just shut down. Your fever will spike if we don't do something to keep it down. Now if Langly has to sit on you while I pour this down your throat, that's what we're going to do. If you think I'm kidding, try me."

Mulder pulled himself up into a sitting position and took the glass. He took a few sips, then made a sour face.

"What's wrong?"

"My stomach."

"It's upsetting your stomach?"

He nodded.

"Okay. I'm going to make you some toast. That should absorb the acid and then you'll be able to drink the Gatorade." Scully took the glass from him and set it on the coffee table. "Be right back."

By the time she returned, he was asleep.

"Sorry, Scully. I tried to keep him awake."

"It's okay, Langly. Sleep is one of the best things for him." She looked at her watch. "I wonder how Frohike and Byers are doing."

  
1:55 p.m.

Not especially well.

Byers peered into the window. "I don't know if it's open."

"Try the door. *There's* a good way to find out."

Byers shot him a look and reached for the knob. The door swung open and he looked back at a smirking Frohike.

The two men entered and caught the attention of a man who was passing by a door, just beyond the bar. He sauntered back out.

"What can I do for you uh...gentlemen?"

Frohike pulled a photo that they'd copied from Krycek's old FBI file, from his jacket. "We're looking for someone." He handed the man the picture. "Can you tell me if you've ever seen this guy?"

The bartender studied the picture with interest, then handed it back. "Even if I have, what makes you think I'd tell you? I don't even know who you are."

"We're not cops or anything. He's a friend. And we're looking for him on behalf of another friend who's very sick. We need to find him and let him know. He'd *want* to know."

The man studied them. "You know, for some reason I believe you. If you find him, don't tell him that I said anything. He's been coming in here pretty regularly for the past few months. Comes in alone, leaves alone. Just drinks, in-between."

"Are you sure? Take another look." Frohike handed the picture back. "You're sure that's him?"

"Yeah. Pretty damn sure. I mean, he doesn't look like this, now. Hair is a little shorter. He looks older...world weary, you know?"

"Yeah, we know."

"But even so, he's a damn good-lookin' guy. I'm sure it's him. Uh...this sick friend of yours. Are they a couple?"

"Not exactly."

"But they were, weren't they? I know he's in here pining for *someone*. He gets hit on regularly and always blows the guys off. Sometimes if they're insistent, he gets nasty. This sick friend must really be something special, because some of the fellas that try to talk to him, are Grade-A Prime, if you know what I mean."

Frohike chuckled nervously and Byers looked away.

"Uh, yeah. We know what you mean."

"Yeah. And he just tells em to get lost."

"Have you got any idea where he stays during the day/"

"Geez, sorry. I have no idea."

"Do you think any of your patrons would know?"

"I doubt it. Like I said, he pretty much keeps to himself. I was beginning to think that he didn't have a friend in the world, until you two showed up. All I can say is, hang around here tonight. He might come in."

"Thanks for your help," Byers nodded and motioned Frohike out.

"I hope you find him."

Once outside, Byers breathed a little easier.

"Wow, you're really uptight, aren't you?" Frohike observed.

"I'm fine."

"What the hell are you going to do if we have to infiltrate this place, tonight?"

"That's Langly's shift. Besides, do you really think that Krycek is going to come back to this place after seeing Mulder right outside here, last night?"

"No, probably not." He blew out a long breath and pulled out an intricately detailed map of the area. "Well, let's get started on the apartment buildings..."

  
6:23 p.m.

"Hello? Frohike. Any luck? None? Damn! Yeah? Well, that's something...he is? Uh huh. You must be exhausted, though.....yeah. Thank you."

"What's up?" Langly leaned in the doorway.

"Byers is on his way here to change shifts."

Langly nodded.

"They found the bar where Alex had been last night."

"Great!"

"But the bartender has no idea where he may live. They've checked out four apartment buildings and haven't turned anything up."

"Crap."

Scully rubbed her temples. "I'm going to go check on him."

She moved into the living room, where Mulder was still lying on the sofa. His temperature had been fluctuating all day and she was scared as hell that once night fell, it would spike. They'd managed to get him to drink, though not nearly enough, but could not make him eat a thing. Scully begged, pleaded...leveled every threat she could think of, including calling his mother, but he refused to eat even one bite. She had only one option left. One she was reluctant to choose. If there was no change by tomorrow night, she was hospitalizing him. She absolutely refused to sit by and watch him kill himself.

His eyes fluttered open and half-focused on her. She smiled wearily.

"Hey. How about having a little something to eat, now?"

He turned his head away.

"Mulder, please. For me."

He didn't move.

"Don't *do* this." She sniffed back a sudden rush of tears. "Mulder, if Alex doesn't want to be with you, then that's *his* loss. You can get past this, but you've got to *try*. Come on, now." She picked the glass up and held it in front of him. "I'm begging you. Please."

He turned his head back and raised a hand to her face, brushing a tear away.

"Mulder..."

He reached for the glass she held, but she pulled it out of his grasp, afraid they he would drop it.

"I'll help you."

She held the glass to his mouth while he drank, then settled his head back onto the arm of the sofa when he'd had enough. She brushed the hair away from his face and kissed his warm forehead. 

"Thank you."

A few moments later, he drifted off again.

  
Byers arrived and Langly took off to meet Frohike at the site that Byers had indicated.

He moved cautiously, quietly through the living room. Scully watched from her seat, close to the sofa where Mulder slept.

"Byers."

"Hmm?"

"Thank you. I know that none of this sits well with you."

He shrugged. "I'm okay. It's just a bit of a shock, you know?"

"What did you think, that night in the hospital?"

"I didn't know what to think. I...I mean, there was this man who I'd never met, but knew all about, through Mulder's not so flattering description of him...in his room. By his bed. Looking at him like...like...and when he sat down and stroked his face...it couldn't be. I wouldn't even let myself consider the possibility. Mulder despised this guy."

"You know the saying."

"What saying?"

"It's a thin line between love and hate."

"Mulder's in *love* with him?"

"He's never actually said the words, but you don't think he's starving himself to death because he's *fond* of Krycek, do you?"

"I guess not. What about Krycek?"

"That, my friend, is the sixty-four thousand dollar question. He told Mulder that he loved him in the hospital before he left and yet he was leaving a bar with another man, last night....I can't wait to get my hands on him."

"Well, let's hope that you get the chance."

  
Sunday, 11:28 a.m.

"Hmm?"

Frohike looked up from his magazine at the sleeping man on the sofa. Thinking he'd heard nothing more than the sound one might make in his sleep, he turned his attention back to the article he'd been reading. A moment later, Mulder shifted and made another sound. Soft. Drawn out. The languid manner in which he rubbed his head against the arm of the sofa, reminded Frohike of a cat, asking for it's master's attention.

His article long forgotten, he watched, fascinated as Mulder writhed and twisted, all the while making these soft, sensuous moaning sounds.

"Damn. Why can't *I* ever have a dream like that?"

"Frohike?"

He turned quickly, dropping the magazine. "Huh?"

Scully approached from the direction of the kitchen. "Is he okay?"

Frohike raised his bushy eyebrows. "Yeah, I'd say he was pretty damn okay."

"What do you..."

Another moan drew her attention. She moved to the edge of the sofa and peered down at her sleeping partner. She flushed a bit, watching the way his body moved and hearing the passionate gasps released from his parted lips.

"Yeah, I'd uh...I'd say that he was definitely having a better time than we are."

A short while later, Mulder's face contorted and anguished groans replaced the sounds of pleasure. Words began to form.

"Don't...please...Alex...oh God...hurts..." He rolled onto his side, drawing his knees up to his stomach. "It hurts." He began to cry. "Alex..."

"What the hell? Mulder." She shook him gently. "Come on, Mulder. It's Scully. Wake up. It's okay, wake up."

"Mulder blinked sluggishly at first, then squeezed his eyes shut and moaned.

"What is it, Mulder? Are you in pain?"

He drew his knees up tighter and buried his face between the back and seat cushions of the sofa.

"Let me help you, Mulder. Where does it hurt?"

"I'm okay," he whispered, attempting to breathe normally. 

Scully laid a hand on his shoulder. "No, you're not. You're in pain. Why won't you tell me where it is?"

"Don't touch me. Please, Scully. Just leave me alone. I'll be okay if you just leave me alone."

"Mulder, how can I do that when there's obviously something physically wrong with you?"

He forced himself to turn onto his back and look up at her. The pain hadn't gone. Hadn't even lessened, but he had to convince her that it had.

"I'm fine, now. Whatever it was, is gone."

She eyed him suspiciously. "It'll only end up hurting you in the end if you're lying to me, Mulder."

"I'm not lying."

She stared intently, trying to get some sort of clue as to what he was feeling, but his expression was unreadable.

"Okay. Since you're awake, do you think you could eat a little toast for me?"

Just the thought of it, turned his stomach.

"I'll try."

Scully patted his hand and smiled before she set off for the kitchen. 

As soon as she was out of sight, Mulder turned back onto his side and curled into a tight ball.

"You're still hurting, aren't you?"

Frohike's voice startled him, but he didn't move.

"Frohike..."

"Why did you lie, just now? What is it that you can't tell her?"

"Nothing."

"Don't give me that. It isn't nothing. We're here to help you, buddy. But we can't, if you don't talk to us."

"Nobody can help me."

"Listen, Mulder. I know."

"Know what?"

Before Frohike could tell him, Scully re-entered the room with a single slice of dry toast.

"Let's see how much of this you can get down, okay?"

Mulder struggled into a sitting position. He grimaced as his head started to swim, compounding his misery. He managed to get down half of the slice, before he gave up.

"No more." He took deep breaths to quell the violent reaction of his stomach.

Scully took the toast from him. "Okay. Just try to keep that down. Relax. Breathe....that's it." She reached over to brush the hair away from his face and frowned. "Feels like your temp may have gone up again." She reached for the thermometer and popped it into his mouth. A minute later, she pulled it out and frowned again. "A hundred and one. You need more fluids, Mulder. A lot more. Will you try to drink?"

Mulder nodded.

A few sips of Gatorade. Harmless enough. 

A few sips more. Scully should have quit while she was ahead.

Frohike ran for a basin as Mulder started to heave. Whatever little there was in his stomach came up, now leaving it completely empty.

Frohike cleaned up the floor, while Scully pressed a cool, damp cloth to Mulder's face.

"What are we going to do?" Frohike asked, when he was through cleaning up.

"The fever has got to run it's course. All we can do is what we've been doing. Fever reducers, liquids..."

"But what good are they if he doesn't keep em down?"

"We just have to keep trying."

Scully looked down at her deathly pale partner, who had again, lapsed into unconsciousness.

"Krycek is the key to this. We've *got* to find him."

  
7:23 p.m.

Byers rubbed his eyes. 

"We've been at this for how long, now?"

"I don't know," Frohike answered. "Since yesterday, sometime. How many apartment buildings have we got left?"

"Four."

"Where's the next one?"

"Uh....four blocks south." He pointed to the left. "That way."

"I know which way south is, thank you very much."

"All right, no need to get snippy."

"I'm not getting snippy, I just know which way south is."

"Yeah, but it's the way you said it...." he began to mimic Frohike's voice. "I know which way..."

"Hey, I don't make fun of you, and believe me, there's plenty..."

"Shut up." Byers hit him in the chest and pointed. "Look."

"Look at what?"

"That car. At the stop light. Didn't Scully say that Krycek was driving a small black car?"

"Yeah." Frohike squinted. "Hard to see inside, but that could be him."

"Follow him, but don't get too close."

"You don't need to tell me." He threw the car into drive. "I know how to do surveillance."

"You screw this up, and you're going to know how to do *traction*. Miss Scully'll break every bone in your weaselly little body."

"Oooh, I just had this really hot thought of her wrestling me to the floor..."

"Come on, he's on the move."

They followed at a discreet distance until the car stopped at one of the apartment buildings that they had yet to check out. The door opened and a tall, dark figure unfolded itself from the small compartment.

"It's him!" Frohike fumbled for the cell phone.

"He's going inside. What's the address on this place?" Byers looked around at the surface of the building. "I can't find a number! Wait! There it is."

"Scully? We got him. He's at..."

"Fifteen thirty-two...where the hell are we? Barnes! Fifteen thirty-two, Barnes."

Frohike repeated the information. "Fifteen thirty-two, Barnes."

"Got it," Scully said. "Stay put and keep in touch with me on my cell phone if he moves again. I'm on my way."

She grabbed her purse and whirled to face Langly who standing just a few feet behind her.

"Take his temperature every half-hour or so and call me if there's a problem."

"No problem. Don't worry, I got in under..."

Before he could finish, she was out the door.

  
8:28 p.m.

"Think she's going to be able to get him to go with her?" Byers asked, not taking his eyes off the front door of the building.

"If she's got to do it at gunpoint," Frohike answered confidently.

A knock at the driver's side window startled them both. Frohike rolled the window down.

"You got here fast."

Scully pointed across the street. "He's in there?"

"Yeah."

"Okay. Great job guys, thanks. Just sit out here in case I miss him on the way in or something. Once I've got him, I'll call you. Then you can go back to Mulder's."

"Will do. Good luck."

"Thanks."

Scully squared her shoulders and stalked into the building.

Once inside, she glanced around, praying for an office or building manager's apartment. Luck was with her. Two doors down and to the right, was the super's apartment. She hurried over to the door and rapped on the burnished oak.

"Yeah?"

"FBI, sir. Please open the door."

She heard the click of a lock being undone and the door swung open to reveal a smallish man, in his mid to late sixties. She flashed her badge and I.D.

"Special Agent Dana Scully, sir. I need your help in finding someone whom I believe may reside in this building."

"Oh. Sure. Uh...who?"

She held Krycek's picture up to his face. "This man."

He peered at the photo for a moment, then nodded. "Is he in trouble, Miss?"

"No, sir. But it *is* crucial that I find him."

"Twenty-three."

"Excuse me?"

"Apartment twenty-three. That's Mr. Kaswell. Umm, Arnold is his first name."

Scully raised one eyebrow. "Uhhhhh-huh. Thank you for your cooperation, sir."

"You're very welcome."

Scully exited the apartment and made a dash for the elevator. The doors opened immediately and she jumped in, punching button number two. Seconds after the elevator began it's ascent, it stopped at the second floor. The doors swished open and Scully came face to face with none other than the object of her search.

Green eyes widened in shock.

"Scully."

She eyed the large shoulder bag that he had slung over his shoulder. "Going somewhere, Mr. Kaswell?"

"What are you doing here? How did you find me?"

"That's not important. I need you to come with me. Now."

Panic seized him. "What's wrong? Is he all right?"

"Do you care?"

"What kind of question is that?"

"A legitimate one, given the circumstances."

"Jesus Christ, of *course* I care! Now what's wrong?"

"What *isn't* wrong? What the *hell* are you doing? Wait. You know what? Don't answer that. You can answer it later..along with a bunch of other questions. Let me just give a brief run down, okay?"

Krycek waited impatiently.

"Since your disappearance over five months ago, Mulder has just about given up all interest in his work. He sleeps very little, eats even less and as a result, has lost close to twenty pounds. After your accidental meeting the other night, he spent God knows how many hours, sitting outside of his apartment building in the freezing cold, and now he's sick. He's running a temp, and any tiny little bit that I get him to eat or drink, is now coming right back up." She pinched her fingers together. "I'm just this close to sticking him in the hospital."

Krycek tilted his head back and closed his eyes, in response. Scully continued.

"Now, I've been going on the assumption that you've pulled this stupid disappearing act out of some misguided sense of responsibility and guilt. Is that true?"

"I thought that you didn't have time for questions?"

"Did you go home with that man?"

"How did..."

"Mulder told me what happened...before he completely fell apart."

"I never went home with that man...or *anyone*. I just made it seem like that was what I was going to do."

"*Why*?"

"He asked me to come home with him, Scully. I was ready to crumble. And I couldn't. I couldn't let it start all over again."

"So, you had to be cruel to be kind."

"Something like that."

"You screwed up big time, Krycek. Listen, forget about what you *think* is best for him...do you want to be with him?"

Krycek lowered his gaze to the floor.

"Simple yes or no, Alex."

"Yes." Softly. Definitely.

"Then come with me. The guys and I are doing all we can but it's not enough. You're the one who's got to fix this."

Krycek nodded.

"*And*," she warned, "if you're in this, you're in it to stay. You ready to do that?"

"What makes you think he'll even want me there after what I did to him?"

"I know my partner, Alex. And I'm telling you, he needs you. Now are you coming?" 

Krycek hitched his bag a little higher. "Let's go."

  
8:47 p.m.

"Hey." Frohike sat up straight. "Look who's coming out."

The men in the car watched as the diminutive redhead exited the building followed by the tall, dark-haired man. She headed across the street while he jumped into his car, just outside the doors. He pulled away first, tires screeching on the pavement.

Scully waved at Frohike and Byers as she got into her car and attempted to catch up to the black BMW.

"That was fast, Byers said, as he watched Scully's car disappear.

"Yeah. Now let's hope that he's able to do what Scully thinks he can."

Frohike started the car and followed the other two.

  
9:28 p.m.

Krycek pulled into the parking garage and was already out of the car by the time Scully pulled up. Silently, they walked to the elevator that carried them to the fourth floor.

Scully unlocked the door and Krycek entered first, striding into the living room and over to the sofa where Mulder slept.

Langly rose from his seat and sidled over to Scully.

"Did you have any trouble getting him here?" he whispered.

She shook her head wordlessly, watching Krycek sink to his knees beside the sofa.

Krycek covered his eyes with one hand, then slid it down his face and away. He spoke softly to Mulder.

"It seems that no matter what I do, I end up hurting you."

He leaned over and pressed his lips to the pale forehead. He pulled away, frowned, then brought his hand to Mulder's face. "He's hot."

"I told you, he'd been running a temp. Langly, when was the last time you checked him?"

"Not more than twenty minutes ago. It was a hundred point six."

Krycek shook his head. "No. Not any more, it isn't. He's burning up."

Scully was at his side instantly, pressing her own lips to Mulder's face. "You're right." She snatched the thermometer up and inserted it between Mulder's lips. The second the thermometer beeped, she pulled it away and read aloud. "A hundred and four. Damn! We need to cool him off, *now*."

Frohike and Byers came through the door and were greeted by three grim faces.

Scully placed a hand on Krycek's shoulder. "Can you carry him?"

He began to shed his jacket. "Yeah."

"We have to get him into the shower. Get off as much of his clothes as you can. I'll go run the water."

Krycek began to unbutton Mulder's shirt with shaking fingers. As he moved to the fourth button, Mulder moaned softly and opened his eyes halfway.

"Alex..."

"Yeah." He tried to smile reassuringly. "It's me. What are you doing, Fox? You're scaring the hell out of us."

Mulder raised a hand to his face. "You undressing me?"

"I'm trying."

He smiled weakly. "Hurry up."

"I'm moving as fast as I can."

Mulder rubbed his thumb against Krycek's lower lip. "I need you, Alex."

Krycek grasped his hand and kissed it before placing it down on the cushion. "Behave yourself, now."

Mulder grumbled his protest but lay passively as Krycek stripped his shirt from his body.

Krycek's eyes filled with tears as he got his first really good look at exactly how much weight Mulder had dropped.

Pallid skin stretched over all too visible ribs. Muscular definition, all but gone.

Krycek pushed aside the wave of anguish that threatened to overtake him, and focused on the task at hand. He worked one arm around Mulder's back and the other under his knees and began to lift. Byers quickly stepped forward.

"I'll help you..."

"No," Krycek snapped, rising to his feet and hoisting Mulder securely against his chest. "I got him."

He moved, too easily bearing the weight of the man in his arms, into the bathroom where Scully was waiting.

"No time to worry about his pants. Just get him in there."

Krycek set Mulder down on his feet and quickly stepped into the tub with him. He hugged Mulder to him, holding him up.

Mulder began to struggle as the cold water seared his overheated skin, but Krycek restrained him gently, all the while talking softly to him.

"It's all right. Just relax. I've got you..."

Mulder shivered against Krycek. "Cold," he whimpered into his shoulder. 

"I know. I know it's cold. But we have to get your fever down. Just a little while longer, okay? Just hold on to me."

Mulder clutched at the back of Krycek's soaked shirt and buried his face in the side of his neck. 

Scully reached into the shower and stroked Mulder's hair. "You're going to be fine, Mulder." She looked to Krycek. The water ran in rivulets down his face, camouflaging the tears. The only clue that he was crying, was in the redness of his eyes.

"Alex, are you getting tired? Can you hold him up a little while longer?"

"I got him."

"You must be freezing."

"Don't worry about me." He closed his eyes and turned his face into Mulder's dripping hair.

Scully turned to grab a bunch of towels and threw them at Frohike, who stood just inside the doorway, along with his two cohorts. 

"Go lay these out on the bed."

Frohike disappeared into the hall.

"Anything we can do?" Langly asked. 

"Not right now. Just stand by, okay?"

Langly nodded and motioned Byers out of the room.

"Okay, Alex. I think that's long enough."

Scully reached into the shower and turned the water off. 

Still holding Mulder's limp form, Krycek stepped out of the tub, then lifted him into his arms and carried him to the bedroom. He placed Mulder down upon the layers of towels and wrapped his upper body in them. 

Quickly and efficiently, he peeled away the water-logged jeans and underwear, then covered him with more towels. As soon as that was done, Scully pushed him away.

"Go get out of those wet things. It looks like we've got a river running through the middle of the room."

Reluctantly, Krycek moved away from the bed and toward the door. He caught Langly's eye on the way out.

"My keys are in my jacket. Would you take them and go down to my car and get the bag on the front seat?"

"Yeah. Sure."

Langly hurried from the room. Minutes later, he was back, carrying the leather bag. He knocked softly on the bathroom door.

"Yeah?"

"Here's your stuff."

Krycek opened the door halfway and took the bag. Without a word, he closed the door and Langly rejoined the others in Mulder's bedroom.

Within seconds, Krycek was back, dressed in a fresh pair of jeans and a cornflower blue shirt. His towel dried hair still gleamed with dampness. As he passed the group assembled near the wall, he mumbled a thank you to Langly, then seated himself at the edge of the bed. He touched the back of his hand to Mulder's heavily stubbled cheek.

"Is it just wishful thinking or does he feel a little bit cooler?"

"Yeah," Scully answered. "That shower took his temperature down to a hundred and one."

"But it could shoot back up, right?"

"It could." She turned to Frohike. "Would you please fill the tub? This way, if he spikes again, we won't lose any time."

"Will do."

Krycek leaned in and planted a tender kiss on Mulder's still flushed lips.

"He doesn't look quite as uncomfortable as he did before."

"Well, let's make him a little *more* comfortable by getting these damp towels off of him." She looked into the rather embarrassed faces of Langly and Byers. "Would you two give us a hand, here?"

Scully and Krycek worked together with the two men and got Mulder out of the towels and under a light sheet. Scully smoothed the sheet across his chest and straightened her back.

"All we can do now is let him sleep and keep a check on his temp. Why don't we go into the living room and let him rest?"

"You guys go ahead," Krycek said. "I want to stay with him a little while longer."

Scully gave him half of a smile. "Okay. Come on, guys." She herded Langly and Byers out of the room and closed the door.

Krycek stretched out on his side and propped his head up in his hand. With the other, he combed Mulder's still damp hair back off of his face.

"Well, I really fucked *this* up, didn't I? I'm sorry Fox, I didn't know. I....I didn't know that this is what I was doing to you. I never would have dreamed...I could never...well...nevermind. I'm sure we'll talk about all of this, later. I'm going to join Scully and your friends in the living room. Sleep well." He kissed the tip of Mulder's nose and started to slide off the bed. He stopped suddenly and leaned back over Mulder. "By the way...you've got some really odd friends." 

One more kiss and he left the room.

 

* * *

 

10:22 p.m.

"You guys have been such a huge help. Thank you." Scully brought the back of her hand up to her mouth and stifled a yawn. "I don't know what I would've done without you."

"Hey, anytime Scully, you know that." Langly said. "Mulder's our bud."

"Your opinion of him hasn't changed?"

Krycek heard the question as he entered the room. He stood silently at a distance, waiting for the answer. Frohike provided it, cutting Langly off.

"Definitely not. I *do* question his choice of a partner, but..."

"Yeah," Langly agreed. "I mean, could he have picked a bigger rat?"

"Guys, I don't..."

"Probably not."

Four heads snapped around and met the bloodshot eyes of the man in the doorway. He said nothing more, only lowered his head and walked toward the kitchen.

Frohike adjusted his glasses nervously. "We're all marked men, *now*. We'll all probably be killed in our sleep..."

"Frohike...he's not going to kill you." Scully looked toward the swinging door. "Just believe me when I tell you that there's a lot more to Alex Krycek than meets the eye...come on, now. You guys go home and get some rest. I'll call you tomorrow and let you know how Mulder is."

"You're going to stay here? Alone with..." Byers lowered his voice to a whisper and pointed toward the door. "him?"

"I'll be fine. Krycek is no threat to any of us. Come on, you saw what he was like tonight. Byers, you saw him in the hospital."

Byers nodded. "Yeah. Yeah, I did."

"Okay, then. Let's go. Get some sleep."

"What about you?" Frohike asked. "You've probably had less sleep than all of us."

"I plan on sacking out on the couch, very soon." I'm going to check Mulder one more time, then off to sleep I go."

"Okay, don't forget to call us first thing in the morning."

"I'll do that. I promise." She walked the men to the door. "Goodnight guys, and thanks again."

As soon as the Gunmen were gone, Scully took a deep breath and headed to the kitchen.

Krycek sat at the table, staring down as his fingers, folded loosely together.

"It's going to take them a while to get used to you."

He shrugged. "My reputation is my own creation. To expect instant acceptance...or acceptance at *all*, would be stupid."

"Hey, you won *me* over. Those three will be a snap. Treat em to some Philly cheese steaks, and they'll follow you around like puppies."

"Thanks for the tip."

"Sure. I need some coffee."

"What you *need*, is some rest."

"Yeah, but I need some coffee first. It won't keep me up, caffeine never did bother me." She reached up into a cabinet and pulled down the can of coffee. "Want some?"

"No thanks. Don't drink the stuff."

Scully raised an eyebrow. "Wow. Good for you." She changed the subject quickly, taking Krycek by surprise. "Why did you stay in Washington? Did you think that you'd *never* run into Mulder...or me?"

He sighed softly. "I don't know. I guess I figured that if I was careful enough...hey I went five months without anyone knowing where I was..."

She repeated her first question. "Why did you stay? It would have been a lot easier if you were hundreds of miles away, don't you think?"

"Yeah, I know. I just..I couldn't. Everytime I even thought about being more than a few miles away from him, I'd break out into a cold sweat."

"But you were just torturing yourself, being so close to him."

"It'd be worse torture if I couldn't sneak a look at him every now and again. I was here just a few nights ago. Sitting in my car right outside his window."

"How did you keep yourself from coming up?"

"I just kept reminding myself how badly I'd screwed up his life already, and I refused to make it any worse."

"Because you love him?"

Krycek tried to mask his surprise at the sound of hearing it on someone else's lips.

"Did you forget that I was in Mulder's hospital room with you, that night?"

Krycek gave no answer.

"You really meant it, didn't you?"

"Yeah. I still do. Does that bother you?"

"No. I'm glad, actually. He needs someone to love him...someone who won't *leave* him. Where were you going tonight with that big bag?"

"After the other night, I decided it was time to go. Whatever amount of suffering I'd do from being far away from him would be nothing in comparison to the pain I saw in *him*."

"And so you were just going to go...and leave him all alone with this misery."

"He'd have you."

"Yes, he would. But I'm not enough. Alex, Mulder has had so much loss and disappointment in his life. For years now, he's been doing a balancing act on the edge of an abyss. He lost his sister, his father...his mother is so distant, it's almost like *she's* dead...he thought he'd lost *me* once, and came close to it a second time. His search for an answer to all of this just takes him around in circles. He was a disaster just waiting to happen. Then this relationship with you happened and even through *my* disgust with the whole thing, he was happy. When you vanished from his life, it pushed him over the edge."

Krycek rested his face in his palms.

"I'm not trying to upset you Alex, I'm just telling it the way it is. The responsibility for the damage that's been done to Mulder these past five months belongs to you. And only you can make the repairs."

"You don't think it's too late?"

"That's up to Mulder of course, but once you explain everything to him, I'm hoping it'll be all right."

"He was pretty uh...affectionate...with me in the living room, before I got him into the shower, but I don't know how much of that might have been from the fever."

"Delirium is not umcommon in a person with a fever that high. He may not recall any of what happened during this time. Or...he may remember all of it. Hard to say. We'll just have to wait it out."

Scully turned to pour her coffee, then joined Krycek at the table.

"So what have you been doing all this time?"

"Nothing much. Brooding, mostly. Trying to learn to live with unimaginable pain. I'd go out and get hammered a few times a week to try and dull it. It doesn't work as well as you might think."

"You have an apartment. And boozing it up isn't a poor man's sport. What are you doing for money?" 

Krycek laughed softly. Bitterly. "Are you kidding? Money is the least of my worries. My services, when I was providing them, didn't come cheap. Plus when my grandmother died, she left me a pretty hefty piece of change."

"Sounds like you're set."

"I am," he said flatly. "But it doesn't mean a damn thing if..."

The words died in his throat as a sharp cry reached his ears. He was out of the room in an instant, followed closely by Scully.

They found Mulder twisting in agony, crying out broken, scattered phrases.

"Don't....finish......I can't......please, Alex....hurts.....don't go..."

Krycek fell onto the bed beside him, grasping Mulder's hands and bringing them to his lips. 

"Fox...open your eyes. Come on baby, wake up. You're dreaming. It's just a dream..."

He turned his head to find Scully. "He's burning up, again."

"Let's get him into the tub."

As Krycek was removing the sheet, Mulder's eyes snapped open. He recoiled from Krycek's touch as if he'd been burned. His eyes were wide and frightened.

"Don't touch me."

"Fox...it's me. It's Alex." He reached out, only to have Mulder shrink back against the headboard of the bed.

"No! Don't! You never stay...you leave, and it hurts." His eyes filled with tears as he drew his knees up to his chest. "It hurts so much..."

Completely misunderstanding, Krycek tried to comfort him. "I'm not going anywhere this time, Fox. I promise. I won't leave you. Please believe me."

"No. I believe you and you lie. Again and again and again..."

"Jesus Christ, what have I done to you?" Krycek whispered, choking on his words.

"Mulder?" Scully leaned over him. "Mulder, can you hear me?"

He couldn't. His eyes were closing again, his frantic words reduced to a soft whimpering sound.

"He's losing consciousness again. Let's get him into the tub, now."

Krycek didn't hear her. He was too lost in his own tortured thoughts.

"Alex! Come on, now. We can figure this out later. Right now, I need your strength. And so does Mulder."

Krycek took a few deep breaths and pulled himself together enough to get Mulder into the tub. As he lifted him from the bed, he couldn't help but notice the very *noticeable* erection. In another time and another place, Krycek would have loved to take care of that for him, but this was neither. Telling himself that the cool water would do the job, he placed Mulder in the tub. There was another brief struggle, but it was easily put down. 

They sat quietly on the edge of the porcelain, bathing the parts of Mulder that the water didn't touch. Krycek dipped the wash cloth into the cool water and brought it to his face, stroking gently.

Scully broke the silence about ten minutes later.

"He's feeling cooler. Another ten minutes or so and we can get him out."

Krycek nodded his acknowledgment but never spoke a word. 

Fifteen minutes later, Scully let the water drain from the tub and Krycek lifted Mulder out and onto the waiting towels.

//What the...//

The cool bath did nothing to diminish his state of arousal. He looked to Scully. She was apparently too intent on drying Mulder's face and chest to even notice.

Without a word, Krycek dried his lower half and got him back into bed.

"It's pretty late, Scully," Krycek finally spoke. "Why don't you grab a blanket and take the couch?"

"What about you?"

Krycek motioned to the chair with a toss of his head.

"Not very comfortable."

"I've done it before. It won't kill me. I'll keep a check on his temp and I'll call if I need you."

"Okay." She touched his arm. "Alex, he was delirious. He had no idea what he was saying."

"Even if he didn't...it doesn't make it any less true. Go get some sleep."

Scully exited the room, leaving him alone with only the darkness and the sound of Mulder's now steady breathing to keep him company. 

He walked over to the bed and leaned over Mulder, brushing his lips across the roughened cheek, then slouched into the chair, just a few feet away.

  
Monday, 7:01 a.m.

"Morning."

Scully looked up from her coffee. 

"Good morning. I looked in on you about half an hour ago and you were both still out. Mulder feels pretty cool."

"I know. He stayed pretty stable all night. You think maybe the fever has broken?"

"It's a good sign that it's stayed down for so many hours. Did you sleep much? How's your back?"

"I fell asleep sometime around dawn, I guess. The back is a little stiff, but not bad." He thought to tell her about last night. How close he'd come to getting her off the couch and coming in to take a look at Mulder. He'd checked on him every half hour since the bath and it had taken a little over two hours for his erection to diminish. But since it did go down, he decided to let it go.

 He jerked a thumb in the direction of the bathroom. "I'm going to go take a warm shower...work out the kinks."

"Okay. I'll keep an eye on him."

Krycek turned back toward the hall and entered the bathroom. He turned the shower on, stripped and stepped under the warm spray. Oh, that felt good. He adjusted the shower head so that the water came down in a pulsing rhythm. He turned his back to it, letting the wet heat massage the back of his neck and shoulders. It felt so good. Almost good enough to let him forget...just for a few moments, the hell that was of his own making. He could almost forget the shooting and the long, lonely months that came after. Could almost forget that through his own stupidity, he'd turned the magnificent, beautiful man that he adored, into a pale, tormented shell. Almost.

He gritted his teeth and steeled himself against the sudden, crippling rush of emotion. 

//Stop it. You can't fall apart. You have to deal with this. No matter what you have to do or how long it takes, you've got to fix it.//

  
Scully tip-toed into Mulder's bedroom and pressed her hand lightly to the side of his neck. Still cool. Excellent. 

She looked to his face and was startled to find a pair of hazel eyes staring up at her.

"Hey! Mulder? Are you with me? How do you feel?"

"Like I've been run over by a semi."

"No doubt. Open up." She popped the thermometer into his mouth and smiled down at him as she stroked his hair. He removed the small plastic device as soon as it beeped and read. A smile spread across her face.

"Ninety-nine point three. Very good."

"Have I had a fever?"

"Are you kidding? You've been out of it for two days...you don't remember?"

"No..."

"What's the last thing you recall?"

Mulder thought a minute. Scully saw his eyes go glassy and she knew exactly what he was remembering.

"Okay..okay, forget about that. You don't remember anything at all, after that?"

Mulder shook his inclined head slowly, from side to side.

"Mulder..."

"I feel dry."

"I'll bet you do. How bout I go make you some weak tea? Let's see if that stays in you, before we try anything else?"

"Okay."

Scully had a thought and smiled. 

"What?"

"Mmm, nothing. Don't try to get up. I'm going to go get that tea."

She smiled another secretive smile and left the room.

Mulder closed his eyes and went back to very early Saturday morning.

Alex...after all those months, mere inches from him...so close....with that man...walking away from him. 

He inhaled deeply, trying to cut off the pain that stabbed at him, but to no avail. Mulder picked up the pillow beside him and hugged it to his chest. His thumb stroked the soft surface and he remembered.

//You used to love being in my arms, Alex. You said you loved to feel my heart beating beneath your cheek... to feel my arms wrapped around you. Don't you remember? Why can't you remember? Do you let him hold you all night like I did? Do you ever think of me? Or does it not matter to you?//

  
7:38 a.m.

The bathroom door opened and Scully grabbed Krycek by the arm and led him quickly away and into the kitchen.

"What are you doing?"

"I didn't want you to go straight into the bedroom."

"Why not?"

"He's awake and his temp is almost normal."

Krycek breathed a sigh of relief.

"Listen, he doesn't remember a thing after seeing you the other morning. Everything he's done and said since then, has been under the influence of the fever."

"So...he has no idea that I'm here."

"Right." She smiled at him and handed him a steaming mug. "Why don't you take this in to him?"

"Scully, I don't know if that's such a good idea. I don't want to upset him. Maybe you should tell him that I'm here and let him decide if he wants to see me or not."

"And if he says no? Does that mean that you're out of here? We agreed that you were here to stay."

Krycek lowered his head. "I...I just don't know if it's a good idea to surprise him like this."

"Okay, okay. I'll prepare him. But I'm not telling him you're here. He *may* refuse to see you. At least, this way he'll have *seen* you. And his heart will react before his head...I hope. Now, come on."

  
Mulder looked toward the door as Scully entered, still smiling.

"I'm back."

He hugged the pillow tighter against himself. "What happened to the tea?"

"It's here. I got you your own personal waiter to serve it."

"What are you talking about?"

Scully moved a few steps farther into the room and looked toward the door. She motioned with her hand.

Mulder's heart stopped, then began to pound double time as Alex Krycek walked in, carrying an orange mug. He sat stone still. Only his eyes followed Krycek's movements as he advanced toward the bed.

Krycek put the mug down on the nightstand and stood over Mulder, staring intently into the shimmering hazel depths of his eyes. He swallowed down the sudden dryness and managed to speak.

"How do you feel?"

Mulder continued to stare up at him, shocked at his presence.

Krycek squatted by the bed so that they were more on a level. 

"Fox, talk to me."

"Why....why are you here?"

"Because it's where I belong."

Mulder looked to Scully. "You found him?"

"Yeah."

"Why?" It was more an accusation than a question.

"You were very sick, Mulder..I thought he should know."

"And so, what?" He turned his attention back to Krycek. "You came to cleanse yourself of any guilt in case I died?"

His words were like a knife through Krycek's heart. He lowered his head and shook it. "No." He looked back up at Mulder. "That isn't it at all..."

"How did you find him, Scully?"

"The Gunmen tracked him down for me." She came over to the bed and sat beside Mulder. "Do me a favor, okay?" She gently pried a hand away from the pillow he still held. "Talk to him. Or if you don't want to, let *him* do the talking. There are some things that you really need to know." She kissed the hand and replaced it. "Remember Mulder, he's here because *I* brought him here. And you know that I would *never* do anything to hurt you."

Scully rose to her feet and left without another word.

Silence descended on the room and remained for what seemed like ages, before Krycek got to his feet and pulled the chair up alongside the bed. He sat heavily and massaged his forehead with the knuckles of his right hand. Mulder sat quietly, chin resting on the pillow in front of him.

"Fox. I'm...I can't even begin to tell you how sorry I am. I swear to God, all I wanted to do was protect you. That night in the hospital...when Scully took me to see you...till that night, I'd never felt pain like that in my life. The thing that I'd feared would happen, *did* and it was my fault. You almost died, do you understand that? And it was *my fault*. I vowed that I would *never* hurt you again, and look what happened. I couldn't take it. And I couldn't risk doing any more damage. So after I made sure that you were going to be okay, I broke communication with Scully. It killed me to stay away from you, but I'd convinced myself that I had to, if you were ever going to have any kind of life."

"Yeah well, thanks. I appreciate it. You've said what you came to say. Now shouldn't you be getting back to your boyfriend? I'm sure he's very lonely without you."

Krycek tented his hands over his mouth and took a deep breath. He let it out slowly, before speaking.

"Fox, listen to me. There is *no one* else. That man you saw me with the other night was just some guy who was trying to hit on me. He followed me out of the bar and I was in the middle of telling him to get lost, when you showed up."

Mulder still would not meet his eye. "*Really*."

"Yes, really. I was shocked as hell to see you. When you asked me to come home with you, I wanted nothing more than to do just that. And I knew that unless I did something drastic, I *would* end up back here with you."

"And you couldn't have *that*."

"This wasn't about me. It was all about you. What was right for you."

"And just like you'd always done, you took it upon yourself to make the decision that you weren't it."

"I guess....I made a bad decision, Fox. A really bad one. But I did it with only the best intentions. If I had known..."

"What?" Mulder faced him. "If you had known, what? If you had known what an asshole I was going to make of myself, you wouldn't have left? You would have left your boyfriend holding his dick and come home with me? *What*?"

Faster than Mulder could draw his next breath, Krycek was out of the chair and looming over him, grasping his shoulders.

"He was *nothing* to me! I didn't even *know* him! I never slept with him, or *anyone* else! I never *could*! Dammit, Fox!" His eyes burned into Mulder's. "Ask me."

Mulder knew what he wanted. And he'd be damned if he was going to give it to him. He turned his face away and fell silent. His eyes closed and his jaw clenched as he felt the back of Krycek's hand graze his cheek. 

"Lisa..."

The caress burned his skin and sent a sudden charge of electricity throughout his body. Christ, it'd been so long...

Mulder flinched and pulled away, still silent.

Krycek let his hand drop and backed away. "Okay. I know you're upset. I'd have to be crazy to think you wouldn't be. I'll back off. But you hear me, Fox. I'm not leaving. I'm going to get through to you. However long it takes."

He moved toward the door, then stopped for a moment. "Try to drink some of that tea." He opened the door and quietly slipped out.

  
"You don't look so good," Scully observed, seeing Krycek enter the kitchen and drop down into a chair. 

"I knew he wouldn't fall into my arms and shower me with kisses." He leaned forward, almost lowering his head between his knees. "He's so hurt, Scully. The wounds are so deep, I don't know if they'll ever heal completely."

"It'll take some time, but I know you can do it. He just can't think rationally right now, but he'll come around. He'd never admit it, but I know he's in there right now, regretting whatever he said to you and I'll bet that if you went back in there and pushed the issue, you'd be able to break through his defenses."

Krycek shook his head. "I don't want to do that. He's got to come back because he wants to, not because I pushed him into it."

"Well. I'll leave the details up to you. Did he drink any of that tea?"

"Not while I was there. I suggested that he do that, of course I probably shouldn't have. He may not touch it now, just to spite me."

"I'd better go and make sure that he drinks some of it. I'll be back in a while...and while I'm gone, go have some breakfast. You look like you could use a little energy boost."

"Yeah. I'll do that." He looked toward the bedroom. "Good luck."

  
8:11 a.m.

"Hey, Mulder." Scully moved cautiously into the room. "How do you feel?"

Mulder's eyes shifted to her. "I know you thought that you were helping, Scully..."

"And I still do. I don't know exactly what was said between you two, but Mulder, no matter how upset you are right now, you cannot deny the fact that you want him here. I watched you mope around for months, missing this man. And when I found you on your front steps early Saturday morning, you were devastated. Well now, he's *here*. Don't shut him out."

"Since when did you become such a big Alex Krycek fan? You *hated* him. It drove you crazy that I was with him."

"I know. But I'm smart enough to admit when I'm wrong. I've told you this before, Mulder. I was wrong. *Dead* wrong. He may not have gone about it the way he should have, but his heart was in the right place."

Mulder turned his face.

"Did he tell you anything about what happened on Saturday night?

"No."

"Well, allow me. Your fever spiked. It was *high*. He was the one who discovered it, right after I brought him here. He picked you up off the couch and carried you into the bathroom, where, fully dressed, he got into the shower with you and literally held you up under a cold spray to get your fever down. Oh, and did I mention that he was crying the whole time?"

Mulder closed his eyes. He didn't want to hear this...

"Then a little later, your fever went up again. You were having some type of nightmare...fever induced, I assume. You woke up, but not really. He tried to get you off the bed and into the tub, but you didn't want him to touch you. It was almost as if you were afraid of him or something."

Mulder frowned. "Did I say anything?"

"Mostly fragments, here and there. Something about him never staying. And that it hurt. You kept saying that it hurt. You uh...you lapsed into unconsciousness again and he picked you up and put you in the tub. He knew that you were delirious, but it really bothered him. You don't remember what the dream was about, do you?"

"No."

"It almost sounds like the same dream you had earlier on Saturday. It seemed to start out as something almost of an erotic nature, but then you started to get very agitated. You mentioned his name. Again, you kept saying that it hurt...none of this sounds familiar?"

"No," he whispered hoarsely.

She wasn't sure that she believed him.

"Anyway, we got your fever down and while I slept on the couch, he sat up all night in that chair over there, keeping a check on your temperature. He didn't fall asleep till morning. He cares, Mulder. He cares a hell of a lot." That was about as close to the truth as she could get, without spilling the beans. That was Krycek's news to tell, if he ever thought he should. "So, if that makes me a member of the Alex Krycek fan club, then so be it...so...you gonna drink this tea, or what?"

  
8:57 a.m.

Scully entered the kitchen to find Krycek picking a corn muffin apart. 

"What did that muffin ever do to you?"

"Huh?"

"You're mangling that thing."

He looked down at the mess on his plate. "Oh. I guess so. How is he?"

She made a show of pouring the little bit of tea left in the cup, out into the sink. "It took a while, but he got most of it down. If it stays down, maybe we can try a little toast, later. He seemed to be drifting off again when I left."

"Good."

"I'd better go call Frohike and the guys. I promised them I would. Then, I'd better call Skinner."

"What are you going to tell him?"

"The only thing I *can* tell him. Mulder is sick, and I don't want to leave him alone today. He knows Mulder hasn't been well. I won't have a problem with him."

Scully left the room and Krycek got up and dumped the remains of his corn muffin in the trash, then proceeded to clean the kitchen.

  
1:12 p.m.

"Lunch time."

Mulder turned in the direction of the soft, masculine voice. Krycek entered the room, carrying a tray, on top of which was another cup of tea and a single slice of dry toast. He flipped onto his side and faced the window.

"Scully stepped out for a bit, while you were asleep. Sorry, you're stuck with me."

No response.

"If I leave you alone, will you please eat this?"

Still, no answer.

"How about I feed it to you?"

Mulder rolled onto his back and glared at Krycek. He pulled himself up and snatched the toast off the plate. Half an hour later, three quarters of the toast and all of the tea was gone. 

Krycek pushed away from the wall, where he had been standing the entire time.

"Had enough?"

Mulder looked up at him out of the corner of his eye. When he realized that Krycek was looking right back at him, he quickly averted his gaze.

A soft sigh could be heard as Krycek picked the tray up and left the room.

So, he was still here. Mulder had wondered if he was. Was terrified that he wasn't.

//If you're so afraid of him leaving, stupid, why don't you just talk to him? Two little words...one, even. A thank you would've been enough.//

  
4:41 p.m.

Mulder stood in the doorway, freshly showered and shaved. Scully and Krycek looked up from the television, both feeling the presence at the same time. Scully stood up. 

"Hey! Do you really feel up to walking around?"

"Can't stay in there any longer." He moved into the room, teetering a bit as he started out, but soon regained his balance.

Krycek watched him warily from the chair, but restrained himself from moving to help.

Scully watched, smiling as he took a seat on the sofa. 

"Feel up to company? I talked to the guys a little while ago, and they said that they were coming over to see you. That okay?"

Mulder shrugged. "Sure. I guess."

"Hungry?"

"No."

"That was a stupid question. Okay, you don't have to eat now, but you are going to try a little soup later, you got me?"

"Yeah."

"I'm going to get you a little Gatorade right now, though. Will you try to drink it?"

Mulder nodded.

"Thank you." She glanced from Mulder to Krycek, then back again. "I'll be right back."

Not a word was spoken between them in the brief time that Scully was gone. Only the ring of the buzzer broke the silence. 

Mulder started to get up, but was stopped by a short, "No." He cut his eyes up at Krycek, who was already half-way to the door. He dropped back onto the cushion and rested his head against his hand.

"Hey, Mulder!" Frohike called, inching cautiously past Krycek. "You're up!"

"Yeah, I'm up."

"You're lucid!"

"All right Frohike, all right."

"The question is," Langly added, "are you eating?"

"I had a little toast earlier."

"Well, that's a start. You'll be back to your old self in no time."

Mulder looked past Langly and Frohike to Byers. "Hey, Byers."

"Hey, Mulder. Glad you're feeling better."

"Thanks."

Krycek drifted into the kitchen, just as Scully was coming out. 

"Where are you going?"

"Nowhere." He tossed his head in the direction of the living room. "I'm just giving them a little privacy."

"You don't have to do that."

"Yeah...I do."

"So what are you going to do, just sit in here?"

"Why not?"

"Because it's ridiculous, that's why not. Tell you what. I was going to run out to the store for a few things. You want to go, instead?"

"Yeah. Good idea. I could use a little air."

Scully handed him a list that she had started, then walked him to the door. As he put on his jacket, he caught Mulder watching him from the sofa. He said nothing, merely broke eye contact and slipped out the open door.

Scully handed Mulder the glass and took a seat at the opposite end of the sofa. She waited. Nothing. She knew that Mulder was dying to ask where Krycek had gone, but the stubborn bastard refused. She knew him. She knew that this is what he was like, but trying to imagine dealing with it in the confines of a relationship such as his and Krycek's, she didn't know how she'd be able to stand it.

//Gotta give the man some more credit...//

Frohike's voice intruded on her thoughts.

"So Mulder...you and Krycek don't exactly look like the happy couple."

Mulder stared wide-eyed.

Byers delivered a hard backhand to his shoulder.

"Oww! What was *that* for?"

"What kind of thing is that to say?"

"What do you mean..."

"You don't just come out and say a thing like that..."

Scully buried her face in her hands.

"You guys know?"

"Yeah," Frohike answered. "Scully told us..."

"I had to, Mulder. I needed them to help me find him and they needed to understand the importance of it."

"Yeah Mulder," Langly spoke up. "Don't worry about it man, we're cool with it."

"Absolutely. Can I ask you a question, though?"

"Yeah, I guess."

Frohike pulled his glasses down to the tip of his nose and peered over them. "*Krycek*?"

Byers threw up his hands and slouched against the back of his chair.

"Yeah," Langly broke in. "You *hated* this guy. And from what we could see this morning, you're not exactly thrilled with him, *now*."

"Guys..." Scully used her most beseeching voice.

"Come on Scully, it's a fair question. Mulder knows that we need an explanation for everything..."

Mulder lowered his gaze to the patch of floor in front of his feet.

"We just want to know how it started. It's obvious that there's something serious here. Krycek showed us that in the last day but...how? *Why*?

"I wouldn't even know how to begin to explain it to you guys. Can't you just accept it for what it is? Was..."

Langly raised an eyebrow. "You guys done?"

No answer.

Scully clapped her hands together. "Okay fellas, Q&A time is over. Let's move on the something else.

  
Mulder sat quietly while Frohike and Langly rattled on about everything under the sun, for more than half an hour. Scully watched him closely, knowing that he was not there. He was a million miles away...or at least as far as Krycek was.

His head snapped around at the sound of the clicking lock and as much as he tried to hide it, a flood of relief washed over his features as Krycek slipped quietly into the room. From his hand, dangled three plastic bags, filled with groceries. Their eyes met briefly, then Krycek disappeared into the kitchen with the bags. Scully excused herself and left the room.

"He okay?" Krycek asked from the refrigerator, sensing that Scully had entered the kitchen.

"Temp is still down. He finished what I gave him to drink. I think I'll heat some soup up for him, now."

He turned to face her. "I'll do that. You go back out and join them."

"You sure?"

"Yeah. Go on. I'll take care of it."

"Okay."

Scully rejoined the group and found Mulder in the same position she'd left him in. She motioned to Byers, who moved with her to a far corner of the room.

"Byers, do you think that you could maybe, ease the fellas out of here soon? Mulder looks like he's fading fast."

"I know. And those two aren't helping with those questions."

Scully smiled. "It's just their nature. Mulder understands."

Byers glanced toward the kitchen door. "There is a problem, though?"

Scully sighed. "It would seem. Mulder didn't react to Krycek's presence the way I thought he would. Krycek tried to explain everything to him, but it would appear that Mulder just isn't having it. Not right now, anyway. It'll take a little longer than expected, be he'll come around. Krycek means too much to him. He won't throw it away."

"Well...let me go see what I can do about dragging Heckyl and Jeckyl out of here."

Ten minutes later, Krycek entered the room, carrying a small bowl of soup and a cup of tea on a tray. He set the items down on the coffee table in front of Mulder and backed away.

"Try to eat some of that, okay?" 

Mulder looked up in time to see him walking back toward the kitchen. His eyes fell away from the swinging door and came back to the food before him.

"Okay guys, time to go." Byers slapped his knee and got quickly to his feet. "Let's let Mulder eat in peace."

The other two rose and moved toward the door. 

"Take care, Mulder. Try to eat, huh?" Langly waved as he picked his jacket up and opened the door.

"Thanks for coming, guys."

When they were gone, Scully sat beside him and held the bowl. 

"Okay..." 

"You don't have to feed me, Scully."

"I'm just holding the bowl for you."

"Makes me feel like an invalid."

"Mulder, you're weak. You can just about stand up without holding on to something. You're lucky we let you take a shower by yourself."

Mulder scowled and looked away.

"Come on now..." Scully motioned to the bowl with her head.

Mulder took the spoon and began to eat slowly.

"Good?"

He shrugged.

"How's it going down?"

"Okay."

He glanced toward the kitchen door.

"Something you want?"

"N-no."

"You sure?"

"Yeah."

Damn, he was stubborn.

Mulder got about halfway through the soup, then gave up. 

"No more, Scully. My stomach is starting to get upset."

"Okay, no sense in forcing it. You did pretty well." She ruffled his hair. "I'm proud of ya. I'll just go get rid of this. Try to drink some of that tea."

Once he was alone, Mulder allowed his thoughts to take over.

//Why the hell are you treating him this way? He told you and so did Scully. You know what happened. You know why he stayed away and you know why he's back. And you believe him when he told you that there hasn't been anyone else...so what's the damn problem? Why can't you...//

The kitchen door swung open and Scully walked out, followed by Krycek. The moment Mulder looked at him, the wall was back up. 

"Well Mulder," Scully began. "You've done well all day. Your fever has broken and you've managed to keep down whatever you've eaten. So, I'm going home tonight, to get some *real* sleep. If anything should come up, Alex will call me."

Mulder eyes skittered away. "I don't need *anyone* to babysit me."

Krycek sat down and crossed his legs. "I'm sorry you feel that way but I'm not leaving."

Mulder drummed his fingers on the arm of the sofa. "I'm tired. I'm going to bed."

He got up a little too fast and pitched forward. Though Scully was closer, Krycek was there first, catching Mulder in his arms. 

Mulder pushed against his chest, prompting Krycek to let go immediately, holding his hands up, almost parallel to his shoulders.

Scully laid a hand on the small of Mulder's back.

"Are you okay?"

"Fine. I just got a little dizzy."

"Come on, let's get you into bed."

She spoke over her shoulder to Krycek who was standing quietly with his head down. "I'll be back in a minute."

She got Mulder settled into bed, then sat on the edge.

"What are you so afraid of?"

"What are you talking about?"

"Something's got you terrified. Has it got anything to do with those dreams that you keep telling me you don't remember?"

No answer.

"I think it does. And it involves Krycek. You're scared to death that he's going to leave again, yet you seem to be doing everything to drive him away. I don't get it. Can you explain it to me?"

For a moment, it looked as though he might open up to her, but as fast as that happened, he shut down again.

"I can't."

"You can't or you won't?"

"What's the difference?"

"I don't have to explain it to you. Okay, I won't push you. But when he's gone, for *good* this time, you'll have no one to blame but yourself. Goodnight, Mulder."

And with that, she left the room.

  
8:17 p.m.

Blackness descended on the room like a shroud. Mulder stared into it, expecting to see nothing, really. Thinking. Just thinking. And wondering. 

He looked toward the door.

He knew Alex was out there. It was too early for him to be asleep, although he might be, seeing as he didn't get a whole heck of a lot of rest, last night. 

Last night.

He couldn't remember a damn thing about last night. He only knew as much as Scully told him. And she did make a point of letting him know that all during his critical period, Alex never left his side.

He smiled wearily.

Even now. Even though he was behaving like a petulant child, Alex was here. Mulder never would have pegged him for a patient man. He wondered how much longer. How much farther the patience would stretch.

He fell asleep contemplating that question.

  
Tuesday, 6:11 a.m.

A hand came out of nowhere and gently took the loaf of bread away from Mulder.

"Sit down. I'll do that."

//Where the hell did he come from?//

Alex had been sound asleep on the sofa when Mulder drifted quietly into the kitchen...or so he thought.

He gave up without an argument and sank down onto a chair, sulking. Krycek watched him, fighting not to go over to him and lay a long, hungry kiss on those deliciously pouty lips.

"Are you hungry?"

Mulder propped an elbow up on the table and rested his head against his hand. He gave no answer. He wouldn't even look at him.

Krycek ignored the slight and went on talking. "You must be, if you were actually going to make your own breakfast. That's good. It's a good sign. So I'll tell you what." He lifted the tea kettle, making sure that there was enough water in it, then turned the flame on. "I'll toast two slices, and if you can't eat it all, we'll just throw the rest out."

More silence.

"I'll just take that as a yes." He grabbed the thermometer off the counter and approached Mulder. "Open up." He slipped it under Mulder's tongue and waited. A minute later, he removed it and nodded as he read. "Normal. Excellent." He turned away and went about getting breakfast. Ten minutes later, it was ready. He set the tea and toast down in front of Mulder.

"If your stomach starts to get upset, just stop, okay? We'll try again a little later."

He was surprised when Mulder actually opened his mouth to speak.

"You must have something better to do than hang around here playing mother hen. Why don't you go do it?"

Krycek pulled a chair out and sat down. His eyes focused intently on Mulder's.

"As a matter of fact, I don't."

"*Find* something." 

"No."

Well, this was going great.

Mulder fell back into his brooding silence, choosing to ignore the food in front of him.

Krycek read the paper as he ate his own breakfast, all the while stealing glances at Mulder and his untouched toast.

Finally, he folded the paper and leaned a bit over the table. He spoke softly and plainly.

"If you're pissed at me Fox, I understand. If you want to give me the silent treatment, okay. If you want to say things to try to hurt or anger me, take your best shot. But...I will *not* screw around with you when it comes to eating or anything else that you're supposed to do regarding your health. Now, I'm going to dump this cold tea and make you another cup. Then I'm going to throw this cold toast away and get you two more slices. And you're going to eat as much as you can, if I have to sit on your chest and feed it to you."

Mulder's jaw clenched.

"Don't think I'll do it? Try me. The shape you're in, I won't get much of a fight at all."

He was right. And that knowledge aggravated the hell out of Mulder.

"What's it going to be?"

"God, I hate you." 

Mulder's statement lacked the conviction it needed to have the desired effect. Krycek knew that he'd only said it out of frustration. He smiled and cleared the table.

As he poured a fresh cup of tea, the phone rang. He lifted it from the counter by it's antenna and handed it to Mulder, who snatched it from his loose grip.

"Hello? Hi, Scully. Yeah. Pretty good...not yet. I'm going to...huh? What for? I told you...fine. Hold on." He tossed the phone onto the table. "She wants to talk to you."

Krycek placed the steaming cup in front of Mulder and picked up the phone. He cradled it between his ear and shoulder as he removed two slices of bread from the wrapper. 

"Hi. Yeah, I checked on him a few times during the night...seemed to sleep pretty well. His temp is normal this morning....well, we had a bit of a problem with that, but I think we've come to an understanding, now..."

Mulder seethed, listening to his partner having a friendly conversation with his...his...what *was* he, now? Whatever the hell he was, it ticked him off that they were getting along so well. 

He laughed bitterly to himself.

//This is pretty damn funny. You spent weeks trying to convince her that Alex was worth her trust and now that they're chatting on the phone like old friends, you can't stand it. //

He hadn't realized that Alex had hung up until the plate came down on the table in front of him.

"Here you go." 

Mulder looked down at the toast, then over at Alex, who had again taken his seat.

"I don't need you to watch me."

"Can't I sit down if I want to?"

"Sure you can. There are plenty of places to sit in the living room...or your own apartment."

"Actually, I don't have all that much furniture."

Mulder picked up a slice of toast and bit into it. He chewed slowly and swallowed. A sip of tea, then another bite.

"Thank you."

"Don't. I'm eating because I have to. Not to please *you*."

"You know, at this point I really don't care *why* you're doing it, so long as you *are*."

Mulder grimaced and clamped his teeth down on the toast, tearing off another small bite. When he had finished the first slice, Krycek smiled.

"Still feel okay?"

"No."

"What's wrong?"

Mulder picked up the second slice, then dropped it back onto the plate. His jaw clenched and unclenched. "This."

Krycek cocked his head.

Mulder waved his hand back and forth between them. "This! This, this....sweet little domestic scene going on here. Like nothing ever happened. You *left* me. The last time I saw you, it was here...right here in this kitchen. You gave me 'one for the road', remember? I left for work, and the next thing I know, I'm waking up in a hospital bed almost a week later and you're nowhere to be found. No note. No phone call. Nothing."

"Fox...I was there at the hospital. I told you that. *Scully* told you that. I never broke contact with her until I knew that you were going to be all right."

"And that makes it all okay?" His voice became louder. "I needed you *after* the hospital! I don't care about your *motives*. I don't want to hear about how you stayed away from me for my own good! It doesn't mean *shit* when I spent every fucking night *awake*, wondering what the hell happened. Wondering why you didn't come back." He gritted his teeth. "*Needing* to feel you..." He quickly bit off his words.

"Needing to feel me, *what*?" Krycek railed back. "Tell me, Fox. What did you need?"

Mulder looked away.

"Okay fine. You don't want to tell me, don't. I'll tell you what *I* needed."

"I don't want to hear what you needed."

"No? Why not? Afraid?"

"Just not interested."

"Of course you are. Because you and I need the same things. Only you're too stubborn to admit it."

"Rot in hell."

"Been there. Done that. Want to hear about it?"

"Nope."

"I'll tell you anyway. I thought I'd been to hell before. Dozens of times." He shook his head. "I didn't know what hell was, until the night I found out you'd been shot. When I went to the hospital and saw you lying there so still, with that..." A shiny glaze coated his eyes. "..tube down your throat and all those machines and..." He swallowed, trying to force down the lump that had formed in his throat. "I held your hand. Kept praying that I could feel your fingers close around mine. That you would open your eyes and look at me. And let me know that you were going to be all right. Instead I had to leave you like that. Unconscious. On life support. That's the last image of you that I took with me. And I saw it every - fucking - night." He bowed his head in an effort to compose himself. 

Mulder studied him silently. He gripped the edge of the table to keep himself from reaching out and stroking the dark hair. Before he lost the battle, Krycek raised his head. 

"It killed me to stay away from you this long, Fox. I wish you could believe that."

Mulder's eyes grew dull and distant, his mind blurring fact with dream, temporarily unable to distinguish between the two.

"I believed *everything* you told me. Every time. The lies just rolled off your tongue, right down my throat. And I swallowed them all and begged for more. And when you had me just the way you liked me, you took it all away..."

Krycek listened, utter confusion etching his features.

"Did you enjoy it? Have a good time, watching me suffer and squirm?"

"What are you talking about? Fox, I don't..."

Before he could finish, Mulder shoved away from the table and fled the kitchen. The slam of the bedroom door heralded a long silence that would last the rest of the day.

  
1:17 p.m.

Krycek picked up the ringing phone. He'd waited three rings, wondering whether or not he should answer. It was obvious that Mulder wasn't going to. Finally, he threw caution to the wind.

"Hello?"

"...Alex?"

Scully.

"Yeah."

"Didn't expect you to answer."

"I wasn't sure that I should, but I figured it would be you."

"Is Mulder asleep?"

"I don't know."

"What do you mean?"

"He closed himself in his room this morning and hasn't come out."

"Now what?"

"He's got me pretty confused, Scully. We sort of went at it again after I talked to you and he started saying things that I really couldn't understand. He shut himself in his bedroom and I haven't seen him since."

"Oh, for the love of...did he eat anything?"

"He had one slice of toast and a little tea. I'm about to see how much worse I can make things. I was about to take him some lunch when you called."

"Good luck. I'll come by after work, okay?"

"Yeah. See you then."

Krycek disconnected and picked up the tray, containing a bowl of soup, some crackers and a glass of juice. Balancing the tray in one hand, he turned the knob. 

Locked.

He sighed heavily.

  
Mulder heard the faint creak of the door and closed his eyes. He re-opened them and turned in the direction of the dark figure that had just entered. Krycek stood there holding a tray. There was a bit of a smug look on his face.

"I can pick the lock on your front door in ten seconds flat, what makes you think I couldn't get in *here*?" 

Not waiting for an answer, he placed the tray down on the nightstand. 

"Don't worry, I'm not going to stand here and watch you. Just, please...you know how important this is. Eat."

Mulder slouched against the pillow and looked away. 

Krycek walked over to the other side of the bed and, resting his hands on either side of Mulder's too-slim hips, leaned in so that their faces were only inches apart.

"You will *not* starve yourself to death. I won't let you."

"You're in no position to let me..."

A shiny object swung free from the confines of Krycek's button-down shirt, catching Mulder's attention. His gaze went from the key to the green eyes staring directly into his face. He reached out and touched the key with tentative fingers.

Krycek remained motionless, watching. Wondering what was going on behind the turbulent sea of green and gold. He saw that right pupil dilate to near-blackness and knew that it wouldn't be anything good.

Mulder regarded the key he now cradled in his palm. Memories flooded his consciousness. The day he'd given Alex this key, he'd gone to work, his mind and body pleasantly satisfied. And even though Scully's attitude had pissed him off royally, all he had to do was think of Alex and he'd begin to smile.

He'd really let go that day, daring to allow himself to consider a life outside of mutant killer siblings and hundred year old liver eating freaks. He began to imagine a life with a certain gorgeous, emerald-eyed Russian triple-agent. A situation, that when he thought about it, was even more bizarre than the mutants and the freaks. Yet, the thought pleased him. In truth, it did more than please him. It downright thrilled him.

His thoughts rolled back to the present and he once again focused on the unblinking eyes in front of him.

His hand closed around the key.

Krycek flinched as the chain snapped and for the first time in over five months, left his body.

Mulder saw the man in front of him, wither right before his eyes.

Krycek's gaze dropped from Mulder's face, down to the mattress and the broken chain, now clenched tightly in his right hand. He fought to control the slight quivering of his lower lip as he slowly straightened his back. For long seconds he stood silently, staring at the floor. When at last he spoke, it was in a low, broken voice.

"Umm....S..Scully'll be here after sh..she gets out of work. I'll uh...I'll leave, then."

Mulder remained motionless until he heard the door close softly. Once it had, he raised his hand and let the key swing freely. He watched, transfixed by the rhythmic motion. Even when he became blinded by tears, he continued to stare.

  
6:12 p.m.

"What the hell is wrong with you?"

"Nothing."

"Oh, please." Scully took her coat off and entered the apartment. She draped the coat across the arm of the sofa and turned to face him. "You look like you just lost your best friend. What gives?" She looked around. "Don't tell me he's still pouting in his bedroom."

Krycek moved away. "He's been in there since I talked to you."

"Did he eat his lunch?"

"Don't know."

"What do you mean, you don't know? Didn't you check?"

"No."

"Why the hell not?"

"He doesn't want me anywhere near him. In fact, now that you're here, I'm going to go."

Scully raised an eyebrow. "Go? Go where?"

"Back to my apartment...for now."

"Wait a minute, hold on. I want to know what happened, and I want to know, *now*."

Krycek shook his head sadly. "I thought I could do this, Scully. I did. But he fights me at every turn. He doesn't *want* me here. It's over. Done."

"No, it's *not*. Listen to me. Something is going on inside that head of his. It's making him crazy. And for whatever reason, he's not telling us about it. All we need to do is find out what it is, then we can help him."

"How can we do that? Maybe sooner or later, *you'll* be able to get somewhere with him, but he barely talks to me and when he does, he's always hostile. I know I brought this all down on myself but..."

"He doesn't mean it. I *know* he doesn't."

"I wish I could believe that."

"*Believe* it. I'll stake my life on it. Don't go, Alex. You'll be sorry for the rest of your life if you do. And so will he."

Krycek sighed softly. "I must be crazy to even consider this..."

Scully smiled at him. "People do a lot of crazy things in the name of love...I'll go see if I can get anywhere with him. Don't you *move*, you understand me?"

Krycek walked over to the sofa and tucked himself into a corner. 

Satisfied, Scully stalked toward the bedroom.

Night had already begun to fall, casting long shadows across the floor and up the walls. Scully peered into the gathering darkness, in the direction of Mulder's bed. He was sitting, back against the headboard, indicating that he was awake. She turned on the small bedside lamp. Mulder blinked and squinted in the sudden rush of light.

"What did you do to him?"

"What?"

"You heard me, Mulder. *What* did you do to him? He's out there, ready to *leave*."

"Ready? You mean he hasn't gone, yet?"

"I'm hoping I talked him out of it. I think what he does hinges on how our talk in here, goes."

"There's nothing to talk about."

"You know, *I'm* getting tired of this cat and mouse game, I can only imagine how *Alex* feels."

"Why do you give a shit about how *Alex* feels?"

"Because he deserves better than this, Mulder! You're treating him like dirt, and he *does not deserve it*! Don't you ever wonder why I show no concern about finding the person who shot you? Why I don't seem to be afraid of them coming back to finish the job?"

Mulder's brow creased. "I don't know. I never thought about it, I guess. I've kind of been wrapped up in other things, you know?"

"I don't worry about the shooter, because I don't *have* to. Alex took care of it."

Understanding dawned on Mulder. "He killed the shooter?"

"Yes."

"He knew who did it?"

"He found *out* who did it, and he took care of him. I wanted to go with him...for backup, but he wouldn't let me. He didn't want me there in case something went wrong and so many things could have. Mulder, he risked his life to insure that whoever shot you, didn't get a second chance....are you reading me? Do you understand what I'm saying to you?"

He thought he did but gave no response.

"Whatever it is that's bothering you Mulder, I wish you'd tell us. If you don't want to tell *me*, then tell Alex. He wants so much to help you. Let him. Get through this and get on with your life. *Please*."

The pensive expression gave Scully hope that he was considering her words. She decided to leave well enough alone.

"I uh..." she looked into the bowl that sat untouched on the tray by the bed. "I see you didn't have lunch."

"I wasn't hungry."

"Mulder..."

"I know, I know," he said softly.

"Can I get you something?"

"Yeah, I guess."

"Okay. Be back in a few."

Krycek's eyes followed Scully out of the hall and into the living room. She stopped a couple of feet in front of him.

"I think I may have given him some food for thought."

"You just saying that to get me to stay?"

"No. But I *will* remind you that before I brought you here, I asked you if you were ready to stick it out."

"And I don't recall giving you a yes or no answer."

"You came with me. I just assumed..."

"You should never assume anything. You know that, Agent Scully."

"Krycek..."

"I won't go," he said, cutting her off. "I'll stay one more night. But if something doesn't give by tomorrow..."

"What?"

He closed his eyes. "I don't know."

"Listen, I'm going to go get him something to eat. He didn't touch his lunch."

"Surprise, surprise."

Scully rolled her eyes and headed into the kitchen.

7:02 p.m.

"More soup?"

"What are you complaining about? It's not like you've actually been *eating* it."

"Yeah, but..."

"Mulder, you've got to eat lightly for a little while. Your stomach isn't used to anything heavy." She smiled. "Are you in the mood for something different?"

He shrugged. "Not really. I'm just not in the mood for *soup*."

"Sorry, pal."

"Yeah, you look it."

To Scully's relief, Mulder finished three-quarters of the soup and ate once slice of bread. He even drained the glass of Gatorade.

"Thank you. You have no idea how good it was to see you eat. How do you feel?"

"A little queasy, but not bad."

"Okay well, that's a start."

"Scully?"

"Yeah?"

"Is he still here?" he asked in a small voice.

"Yeah. For tonight, anyway. I'd think long and hard about what it is you want, Mulder. You can't drag him through hell forever."

Mulder stared down at his hands, folded in his lap.

Scully rubbed her forehead. "Look, I gotta get going...oh, by the way. You're on convalescent leave until further notice."

"How'd you managed that?"

"I'm your partner and I'm about as close to your primary physician as you can get. It wasn't hard to convince Skinner that you needed a good long rest. He's *seen* you, remember?"

Mulder nodded. "Thank you, Scully."

"You know how you can thank me? Get your act together. That'll be thanks enough."

Mulder reached out for her hand and brought it to his lips.

"Good night, Mulder. See you tomorrow."

Scully reclaimed her hand and left the room.

Mulder sat quietly for a moment, then pulled the nightstand drawer open. He reached in and pulled the silver chain and key out. He dropped the key into his left hand and let the chain pool around it, then closed his hand into a fist and brought it to his mouth. He closed his eyes and started to think.

  
Wednesday, 1:39 a.m.

Krycek shifted position on the sofa. The movement of his own body and a sudden feeling that he was not alone, brought him to consciousness. He blinked sluggishly and turned his head. The light from the street filtered in through the partially open blinds, outlining the tall figure standing by his head.

Once his eyes were able to focus in the sparse light, he saw Mulder, a sheet haphazardly wrapped around himself, hair tousled, that mouth...so full and soft... 

Mulder stared down at the man who was just coming fully awake. He'd been standing there for a while, watching Krycek sleep, completely overwhelmed by the innocent beauty of his face. Hating himself for the grief he'd caused him earlier. Now his eyes were open, a silent question shimmering in their depths.

Mulder was frozen. He didn't know what to do or to say. What if Alex didn't accept his apology? What if he'd hurt him too deeply? What if...

Krycek pulled himself up a bit and watched Mulder warily. There was such a sadness in his eyes. He hated that his Fox felt like this...*his* Fox.

//Are you back on that?//

Mulder hesitantly reached out and touched his fingertips to the dark hair. Fraction by tiny fraction, his hand moved downward over the curve of his cheek.

Krycek shuddered as he inhaled and exhaled slowly. His eyes remained glued on Mulder's face. This wasn't really happening. It was a dream. Had to be. He was going to wake up any second now and be sick when he did...

Without realizing that he had, Krycek slid back against the back cushion of the sofa, making room. Mulder hesitated, then sat cautiously.

Still not a word between them.

Mulder pulled the falling sheet up tighter around his bare chest and looked nervously away. His eyes drifted closed as he felt the gentle touch of a hand on his jaw. The hand turned his face a few inches to the right, then stopped. No words were spoken but he heard the silent request. He opened his eyes. 

Krycek stroked his face tenderly. Waited patiently.

Mulder pivoted, swinging his legs onto the sofa. He started to lower his torso onto the cushion beside Krycek, but the other man's arms came around him before he could, and pulled him down onto his chest. Mulder wrapped one arm around Krycek's waist and tucked his head under his chin, letting out a long stuttering sigh.

Krycek hugged his Fox to him tightly with his right arm, while his left hand busied itself in his hair, combing and petting.

The action soothed Mulder. So much so, that before he could find the words to express his feelings, he was asleep. Krycek listened to the deep, steady rhythm of his respiration and smiled. He kissed the top of Mulder's head and let himself drift back into sleep.

  
8:06 a.m.

The soft click of heels on the hardwood floor, opened Krycek's eyes. Before he could move, Scully appeared in his line of sight. The concerned look on her face, dissolved into one of relief, then of surprise as she viewed the two men, lying together on the sofa. She whispered as softly as she could.

"What's going on?"

Krycek held his hand lightly over the exposed ear of the man who still slept peacefully in his arms.

"Tell you later," he whispered back.

"I called. The machine didn't pick up. The phone rang and rang. No answer. I was worried to death."

"I don't know what happened with the machine, but I think the phone might be in his bedroom. I guess I didn't hear it."

Scully blew out a long breath. "I gotta get to work. Talk to you later. I'm dying to hear *this*." She smiled at him and walked toward the door. Before she exited, she turned once more and looked toward the sofa. Krycek had already forgotten about her. All his attention was focused on the sheet-wrapped figure in his arms.

"Thank you," she mouthed to the ceiling and closed the door behind her.

  
9:11 a.m.

Mulder moaned softly. As he awoke, the feel of a body beneath him, startled him. He relaxed almost immediately as the arms around him tightened reassuringly and soft kisses were pressed into his hair. He lifted his head and looked into the eyes of the man he thought he'd never be this close to, again. The eyes looked back, saying more to Mulder than he was able to comprehend at once.

"You must have been pretty uncomfortable."

Krycek shook his head. "Best night's sleep I've had in months."

Mulder again lowered his head to Krycek's chest. "Me too," he answered honestly. 

No dreams, last night. Maybe they were just a result of their separation and now, would not trouble him further.

"Alex, I'm sorry..."

"Shhh." Krycek gave him a gentle squeeze. "We can talk about all of that later. Let me just hold you for a little while longer."

Mulder had no problem with that. He fell silent, letting himself be lulled by the strong, steady beat of the heart beneath his ear.

They lay that way, for neither of them knew how long. Finally, Mulder pulled himself from Krycek's protective embrace and sat up.

"I'm hungry." 

"Really?"

Mulder nodded. "Well. You know...I'm not *starving*, but I do feel a little hungry."

Krycek pulled himself up behind Mulder and wrapped an arm around his chest. "I'll make you anything you want to eat. Name it."

"I have this craving for scrambled eggs."

"You got it." Krycek kissed the side of his neck. "Why don't you relax for a few minutes. I'm going to go grab a shower, so I can get started on breakfast."

"Okay."

Krycek slid around Mulder and headed toward the hall. He paused in the doorway and looked over his shoulder. Mulder gave him a soft, heartmelting smile that sent him grinning madly, into the bathroom.

Krycek turned the shower on and stripped off his t-shirt and underwear. He stepped under the warm spray and squeezed a generous amount of bathwash onto the sponge. As he washed, his mind wandered, wondering what it was that prompted Mulder to do such a drastic about-face, last night. He supposed he'd find out later. Right now, the important thing was that he had his Fox back.

  
9:41 a.m.

Mulder opened his eyes to find Krycek crouched beside him, watching him silently. He curled himself tighter, into the tangle of pale-blue sheet and burrowed deeper into the pillow that had been Krycek's, as the other man reached out and stoked his hair. One sleepy hazel eye - the only one visible, blinked up at him.

"Still tired?" Krycek asked.

"I'm getting up," Mulder mumbled into the pillow.

"No, no. Go back to sleep. I'll make breakfast whenever you're ready."

Mulder turned onto his back and stretched. "No, I'm gonna get up. Don't want to get into the habit of sleeping late."

"Yeah, I understand but it's been months since you've had a decent night's sleep. Plus, you've been sick. You need the rest."

Mulder smiled up at him. "I'll take a nap later...if you take one with me."

Krycek squinted down at him. "Why don't I think that's such a good idea?"

"I don't know...why?"

"I know that look."

"What look?"

"*That* look."

Mulder feigned complete innocence. "I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Mmm hmm. Okay."

Mulder pulled himself upright. "I'm going to get in the shower." He placed a hand on Krycek's shoulder for balance and rose to his feet.

Krycek watched him leave the room, dragging the sheet behind him. When Mulder was out of sight, he went off to start breakfast.

  
10:29 a.m.

"Almost ready," Krycek informed Mulder as he arrived in the kitchen. "Sit down, I'll get you some juice."

"I can get it," Mulder protested, moving toward the refrigerator.

Krycek turned to look at him. He was wearing a pair of faded Levi's that at one time may have hugged that deliciously rounded backside to fitted perfection, but now hung loosely about his hips and legs. The cream colored thermal-ribbed shirt also just hung from his body. His damp hair dangled in front of sunken eyes as he peered into the fridge. This new, albeit temporary waifish quality to him, tugged hard at Krycek's heart, bringing to the surface all manner of protective instincts.

Mulder grabbed the carton of orange juice and shut the door. He turned to find Krycek watching him. His lips turned up in a half smile and in that split second, all Krycek's protective tendencies flew out the window.

That mouth.

As tempting as it ever was. Always, in all it's pouty magnificence, asking...begging to be kissed.

Krycek drew a deep breath and picked up Mulder's plate. He spooned an adequate amount of eggs into it, got some for himself, then set both plates on the table. Mulder poured two glasses of orange juice then joined Krycek, who was just seating himself.

"Thanks." Krycek took the offered glass, taking a small sip before putting it down.

They ate in companionable silence. Krycek tried to be inconspicuous in his observation of Mulder, stealing glances at his plate through the dark sweep of his lashes. When at last Mulder slid the plate away, he looked up.

"Done?"

"Yeah. It was good, but I'm full."

"You don't feel sick or anything?"

"Not yet..."

"Good." He inspected Mulder's leavings. "Actually, you did pretty well. I'd say you ate the equivalent of roughly an egg and a half." He rose and began to clear the table. "You going to finish that?" He nodded toward the orange juice.

Mulder reached for it. "Yeah, I'll drink a little more."

He sat quietly sipping his juice as he watched Krycek move about, rinsing and stacking dishes and utensils into the dishwasher.

"Thank you, Alex."

Krycek closed the door and turned the appliance on before he answered. "For what?" Making you breakfast?" He grinned. "It was only eggs..."

"Yeah, for breakfast, but...just, thank you in general. For everything. For taking care of me. For staying when you had every reason in the world to leave..."

Krycek approached and came to stand behind Mulder. He wrapped his arms lightly around the slim shoulders and leaned in close to his ear.

"My one reason for staying far outweighed the reasons for leaving."

"One reason?"

"Mmm hmm."

"What reason is that?"

Krycek hugged him gently and kissed the corner of his mouth.

"You."

Mulder lowered his head and closed his eyes.

"Fox, look at me."

It never even occurred to Mulder to disobey the soft command. He turned his head to the right and met Krycek's warm gaze.

"You had every right to be upset with me. I went about this *all* wrong. But I had it in my head that I had to save you from the mistake of a relationship with me. The other night...I know what I did hurt you, but I really thought that I was sparing you a much bigger hurt sometime in the future...maybe next time, it'd be something worse than being shot. It tore my heart out to do what I did to you, but I swear on my grandmother's soul, I thought it was best for you."

Mulder's head slowly dropped forward until it leaned against Krycek's. "Not being with you could never be best for me."

Krycek cupped his cheek with one hand and swept his thumb back and forth across it. "I know. I'm sorry, I found that out the hard way. I messed up big time. Do you forgive me?"

"If you can forgive *me* for treating you like shit."

"You had every right."

Mulder shook his head. "Scully told me. She tried to explain, but I've got such a goddamn one track mind sometimes, I couldn't see beyond my feelings. You know I prayed, and I'm not really the praying type. I kept hoping that you were just laying low and that you'd come back. I kept hoping right up until the night you told me that you had a life without me and walked away with that guy."

"Fox, I told you..."

"I know. I believe you. But that night I could only believe what I saw and heard. I didn't want to believe it, but when you walked away from me, you left me no choice. And I felt another piece of me die..."

"Come with me." Krycek took Mulder by the hand and led him into the living room. They sat together on the sofa, Krycek with one leg bent, facing Mulder. He covered the two hands resting together in the other man's lap, while rubbing a denim-clad knee with the other.

"*Another* piece of you...what do you mean?"

Mulder stared down at the hand resting over his. "It seems that everyone who means anything to me sooner or later, in one way or another, leaves me. Samantha, my father...even my mother."

"Scully is still here."

"Yeah. By some miracle. But I almost lost her, twice. And each time it took something out of me." He smiled wearily. "I didn't think I had anything left for anyone else, least of all, you. Imagine my surprise."

Krycek's hand left Mulder's knee and came up under his chin, tilting his head up. "Tell me what to do."

"What do you mean?"

"I want to see these eyes sparkle again." Krycek brushed his lips against his cheek. "I want to hear all those wise-ass remarks and threats of bodily harm..."

Mulder couldn't help smiling at that.

"I want to know what I have to do to make that happen."

Mulder blinked slowly. "I don't...I..I mean...I feel a lot better than I did last night..."

"I'm glad but there's still something." He searched Mulder's eyes. "I can see it. What is it? Can you tell me?"

Mulder cut his eyes away.

"Talk to me, Fox."

"There's nothing to talk *about*. Other than what we've already discussed."

Krycek decided not to push the issue. His emotional state was still too fragile. "Okay. But you know that if there ever *is* anything you want to talk about, you can come to me and I'll help you work through it...all right?"

His request garnered no response.

"Hey..."

"Yeah." Mulder managed a weak smile. "All right."

Krycek wound his arms around Mulder and pulled him to his chest. Mulder dropped his head to the shoulder in front of him and closed his eyes. Krycek held him that way, his hand sweeping up and down the length of his back, until he felt Mulder's body begin to relax.

"Are you falling asleep?" 

"No," came a mumbled reply.

"Yes, you are." Gently, Krycek pushed him away from his chest and laid him down across the sofa. "Stay put. I'm going to finish cleaning up in the kitchen." He kissed the tip of Mulder's nose and left the room. When he'd returned some twenty minutes later, Mulder was out. Krycek carefully brushed a few strands of hair away from his face, then took a seat across from the sofa and picked up the newspaper.

  
1:39 p.m.

"Hey, Mulder!" Scully smiled brightly as she came into the room. "How are ya today?"

"Better Scully, thanks. You on lunch?"

"Yeah. How'd you do with breakfast?"

"Pretty good."

She raised a skeptical eyebrow.

"I'm telling you." Mulder looked past her. "Alex..."

Scully spun to face the man who had silently entered the room and was now standing behind her.

Krycek nodded. "He did. He ate almost two eggs and drank about three quarters of a glass of orange juice."

"Well! I'm sorry Mulder, I guess you *did* do well. What about lunch?"

Krycek broke in. "He had a late breakfast. I was going to get him lunch in about an hour."

"You know what, though? I'm kind of thirsty." Mulder looked up at Krycek. "Alex, would you mind getting me something to drink?"

"No, of course not." He grinned. "This is the first time you've actually *asked* for something. I'll be right back."

The second Krycek was gone from the room, Mulder got to his feet and started digging into the front pocket of his jeans.

"Here."

He handed Scully a silver chain.

"For me? Mulder, you shouldn't have..."

"It's Alex's."

She feigned disappointment. "Oh."

"I need you to take it to a jeweler and get it fixed, okay?"

Scully placed the chain into a small compartment of her purse. "Yeah. Sure." She smirked. "Why are we being so sneaky?"

"I broke it..."

"And you're trying to get it fixed before he notices?"

"He knows I broke it."

"So why all the secrecy?"

"It's a long story, okay? Can you please just get it fixed?"

"Yeah. When do you need it?"

"As soon as possible."

"I'll see what I can do."

"Thanks." Mulder sank back onto the sofa.

"So," she smirked, "I see things are looking pretty okay between you two."

Mulder nodded and smiled softly. "Thanks for kicking me in the ass, Scully."

"Hey, it benefitted me as well as you. I don't think I could stand to go through another *day* with you so miserable."

Mulder said nothing. He only lowered his gaze to the floor.

"Look, I gotta run. I'll call you later to let you know how I made out."

Krycek came in just then, carrying a glass of Gatorade. He handed it to Mulder and combed his fingers through the golden brown hair a few times before settling into his chair. He looked from Scully to Mulder now silent, and raised his eyebrows. "Did I interrupt something? Should I go back into the kitchen for a while?"

"No!" His answer came in stereo.

"No uh..." Scully looked to Mulder. "We were just discussing work...you know. Uh..I gotta get going. Mulder, I'll see you later maybe, okay?"

"Okay, Scully. Thanks for coming over."

Krycek got up to accompany Scully to the door. 

Once there, she turned to him and whispered, "So what went on here this morning?"

"I think it started last night. To try to make a long story short, the morning he was shot, he had given me a key to the apartment. Afterward, I wore it around my neck on a chain. He saw it yesterday for the first time since he gave it to me, and snapped the chain off my neck. I don't know if he sat up all night regretting it or what, but very early this morning, I woke up and found him standing next to the couch, staring at me. It took him a while, but he finally sat down, then laid down with me and we fell asleep."

"Ahhh. Okay.."

"What?"

"Oh. Nothing. Just...well, I really gotta go. I'll see you later."

Mild confusion wrinkled Krycek's brow. "Yeah. Okay, later."

He closed the door and returned to Mulder.

"You were talking about me."

"No, we were discussing the care of fine washables..."

Mulder twisted his lower lip and chewed the inside corner.

//Jesus, I wish you wouldn't do that.//

"Of course we were talking about you. Want me to repeat it back to you word for word?"

"No." 

"You sure? If I don't tell you now, I won't remember it all, later..."

Mulder lowered his gaze. "Nevermind."

Krycek approached and leaned over Mulder, planting his hands against the sofa, on either side of his head. He whispered softly. "You're so damn pretty when you sulk like that."

Mulder looked up through the veil of his lashes. "Oh yeah?"

"Mmm hmm."

//Go ahead. You know you want to. You've been dying to kiss him.//

//You *have* kissed him.//

//Not on the lips...while he was conscious...come on, you're so close. You want to. *He* wants you to. Look at him. He hasn't moved. He's just barely breathing. Waiting. I bet if you put your hand on his chest, you'd feel his heart pounding. Damn sure *yours* is. Do it.//

//Don't. You know it won't stop there. You've been over five months without him. It won't stop at a kiss. It can't. And he's still weak.//

Krycek backed off reluctantly, leaving Mulder struggling to conceal his disappointment.

"Hey," he said, cheerfully. "Want some lunch now?"

"Not hungry."

//Shit.//

"Not at all?"

Mulder shook his head.

"Okay well, I'll let you get away with it for a little while longer, but you *are* going to have some lunch. We're not going to undo the good we did this morning."

When he received no response, he reached out and lightly tapped the underside of Mulder's chin. "Okay?"

The small action seemed to snap Mulder out of the mood he had fallen into. He gave Krycek a tiny smile. "Yeah." He stood and walked over to his desk, pulling out the chair. "Maybe I'll get a little work done."

"I thought you were on leave?"

"That just prevents me from going into the office. It doesn't say that I can't do any work at home."

Krycek smiled to himself. He was taking an interest in work. Good sign...unless he was only looking for a way to avoid thinking about what almost just happened. The smile faded and he dropped onto the sofa and picked up the remote.

The rest of the day passed uneventfully. Mulder ate lunch with a minimum of fuss then napped off and on until late afternoon. When the doorbell rang at six-thirty, Krycek was in the kitchen, preparing a light supper.

"I got it," Mulder called from the living room as he moved to the door. He smiled down at the petite redhead who stood in the hall. "Hey."

Scully nodded her hello and entered. She looked around the apartment and quickly reached into her purse. She pulled out a small yellow envelope and handed it to Mulder.

"They were able to fix it?"

"Yeah. I batted my eyelashes at the jeweler and gave him a sob story. He had it done by the time I got out of work."

"Thanks Scully, I owe you."

"Yeah. Thirty-eight fifty-two, to be exact."

Mulder stuffed the small envelope into his front pocket and pulled his wallet out of the back. He took out two twenties and handed them to her. "Keep the change. Buy yourself a nice sweater or something."

She snatched the bills from him. "You're just too good to me, Mulder."

He smirked at her. "I know."

Scully looked around again. "Smells like he's in the kitchen."

"Yeah. Want to stay?"

"I'd love to, but I gotta run. I'm meeting my mother for dinner. By the way, she says hello and if she hears that you've stopped eating again, she's coming over here."

Mulder laughed. An actual amused chuckle. "Tell her I said hi back, and that I promise to eat."

"Will do." She turned around and almost collided with Krycek. "Oh!"

"Sorry. Didn't mean to scare you."

She twisted her neck to look in Mulder's direction. "You really should put a bell on him or something."

Krycek ignored the teasing comment. "Wanna stay for supper?"

"Thanks, but I can't. I just stopped by on my way home, to see how Mulder was doing."

"Well, he had a late lunch. Didn't do quite as well as breakfast, but at least he ate. Supper is almost ready." He directed his next remark to Mulder. "And you're starving, aren't you?"

"Oh, yeah. Ravenous."

Scully issued a small grunt. "Just see that you eat."

"Yeah, yeah."

Mulder saw Scully to the door and went into the kitchen, to where Krycek had returned.

"Ready to eat?"

"Yeah, I guess."

He sat at the table and let Alex serve him.

"Thought we'd try a little chicken...something with a little more substance. If it bothers you, let me know."

Mulder got through most of the meal before he quit.

Satisfied, Krycek cleared the table and herded Mulder into the living room. He sat him on the sofa and handed him the remote.

"Here you go. Relax and I'll be in soon."

"All I *do* is relax. Why can't I help you clean the kitchen or something?"

"Because I *said* you can't." He dropped a kiss on the top of Mulder's head and left the room putting an abrupt end to further argument.

When he had gone, Mulder pulled the envelope from his pocket and shook the contents out into his hand. He reached into the other pocket and produced the key, then slipped the end of the chain through the hole and secured the clasp. He smiled as he slipped it back into his front pocket.

  
9:02 p.m.

The television droned on as Krycek stared sightlessly at the screen. His mind was wandering. Thinking ahead to bedtime. They hadn't discussed it, but since Mulder had come to lay with him on the couch this morning, he'd assumed that they wouldn't be sleeping apart, tonight. And that posed a bit of a problem. Mulder wanted him. That was no vain assumption on his part, it was a fact. This morning, when they were so close to each other....his eyes, the set of his mouth, the tone of his voice, told Krycek that it was so. 

And Krycek wanted *him*. Every night for over five months, his body cried out for this man. *Begged* him to come to this apartment and use the damn key. And every night he denied the desperate pleas. If he laid down next to his Fox tonight, he didn't know how he was going to be able to refuse his body any longer.

//You can't. He needs time to recover...//

//There you go again. Deciding what *you* think is best for him. Why don't you let *him* decide?// 

//Okay, maybe. But don't push it. Let him make the...//

Krycek's thoughts were interrupted by something coming down over his head. His eyes focused on the small silver object that dangled in front of his face, just before it came to rest against the front of his shirt. His fingers traced the line of the silver chain, once again hanging securely around his neck, and came to rest on the key that was suspended from it. 

After taking a moment to compose his thoughts, he twisted in the chair to face Mulder, who was still standing behind him. He opened his mouth to speak, but no sound would come from it. Mulder moved to the front of the chair and kneeled before him. His hand swept slowly, up and down Krycek's thigh.

"I'm sorry, Alex. I know I hurt you. I don't ever want to see the look that I saw on your face last night, again." His hand left Krycek's leg and lifted the key away from his chest. "Will you take this back and maybe find a way to forgive me for being such a jerk?"

Krycek leaned forward and stroked Mulder's cheek. "You're not a jerk." His voice came out in a croak. "And yes, I'll take it back." He removed his hand from Mulder's face and covered the hand that still held the key. "How'd you fix the chain?"

Mulder's eyes never left his face. "I gave it to Scully this afternoon. She took it to a jeweler and had it fixed for me."

"That's why she was here tonight?"

"Yeah."

"Sneak."

They fell silent, searching each other's eyes. Trying to gain some insight into each other's thoughts. Seeing one thing in common...very clearly.

"Fox."

"Hmm?"

Krycek paused, debating with himself then made the decision.

"Ask me."

Mulder had no need to ask what it was Krycek wanted. He'd asked him once the other night, but Mulder had refused. Not tonight. He asked the question softly.

"Who do you belong to?"

"You."

Mulder leaned forward, so slowly as to be almost unnoticeable. Drawn by the magnetic warmth of his lover's eyes. He vaguely wondered if this is what it felt like to drown. He'd heard stories from near-drowning victims about an enveloping sense of peace just before the moment of unconsciousness. That's what it felt like now. He was surrounded by a tranquil sea of green and sinking deeper by the second.

It was an exquisite death. One he had no desire to be rescued from, but the feel of Alex's lips just barely touching his then moving away, forced the breath back into his lungs. His hands moved of their own accord, threading through the dark hair and coming to rest at the back of Krycek's head. The fingers of one hand tenderly massaged the back of his neck. He leaned in the fraction that it took for him to sweep his mouth across Krycek's chin.

Krycek gritted his teeth as he felt the slightest hint of a moist tongue in that brief caress. He moaned softly.

Mulder's mouth traveled upward and fastened on his. Gently at first, teasing and stroking. Then with increased pressure, drinking in his lover's whimpers of long denied pleasure.

Krycek's fingers tangled in Mulder's hair and he deepened the kiss, plunging his tongue into the soft heat of his mouth. Mulder's tongue met his, immediately engaging in a slow, sensuous dance of seduction.

Somewhere in the back of Krycek's mind, a small voice reminded him that this was *not* the same strong, healthy man that he'd made love with so many months ago. He couldn't possibly throw him down on the floor and do the things that his body was screaming for him to do. They needed to talk, first. Fox needed to understand... 

He pulled away. "Fox..." he tried to catch his breath. "Wait...hold on..."

Mulder swung his head from side to side. "No, Alex. No more waiting. I can't wait..."

"Just listen to me for a minute, okay? I just want to tell you that I think we should slow it down. Take it easy. You're still in a pretty weakened state. I don't want to put any strain on you."

Mulder wound his arm around Krycek's neck and gave him an impish smile. "I trust you to be gentle with me..."

A clipped laugh escaped Krycek's throat. "That's what I'm worried about, baby. I don't know if I can. My self-restraint is hanging on by a very thin thread right now and I'm afraid if you kiss me one more time like you just did, I'll be all done."

"You think so?" Mulder moved in again. "Well, let's see..."

Krycek gripped his shoulders and held him off. "I'm serious, Fox."

Mulder's expression changed immediately. "Okay," he said softly. "We'll hold off till I get a little stronger."

"Fox..."

"I wouldn't want to drop dead from over-exertion, leaving you to explain to Scully how it happened..."

"Come on, Fox..."

"No, it's okay. I'm okay. I understand your concern."

Krycek eyed him doubtfully. "Really?"

"Yeah." He got to his feet. "I'm kind of tired, anyway. I think I'll go to bed. You coming or are you going to stay up for a while?"

"You want to sleep with me?"

"Of course I do." He forced a smile. "I promise I'll be a good boy and not attack you in your sleep."

Krycek shut the t.v. off and rose from his chair. He took Mulder's hand and raised it to his lips. "Let's go to bed."

  
9:56 p.m.

"I can't remember the last time I was in bed this early," Krycek said, as Mulder slipped under the blanket and snuggled close. He rested his cheek on the golden brown head and closed his eyes. "Feels so good."

"What does?" 

Krycek wrapped Mulder in his arms. "This. You'll never know how much I missed it."

"I know," Mulder corrected him. "I missed it too."

"So many nights I lay awake thinking about this. You. Wondering if you were thinking about me too. Funny how quickly you can get used to something. I never slept with anyone. I mean, you know, spent the *night* with someone. I always left. Or *they* left, depending on where we were. I always slept alone and liked it that way. Now, I hate it. I want to wake up every morning next to you. I feel so...Fox?"

Mulder's soft snores reached his ears and brought a smile to his face. Krycek kissed the top of his head and hugged him close.

"Spokoynoy nochi, krasivy lisa."

  
Thursday, 2:22 a.m.

"Don't go!"

Krycek's eyes snapped open.

"Alex, please!"

He grasped Mulder's shoulder and shook him gently. "Fox, wake up."

"No...don't! Please...it hurts...oh God, it hurts..."

"Come on baby, wake up. I'm here. I'm right here. Tell me what's hurting you."

Mulder's eyes opened and he began to whimper. He rolled away from Krycek and onto his side, curling himself up into a tight ball.

"Fox, you're scaring me. Tell me what's wrong." He put a hand on Mulder's arm and withdrew it immediately when a sharp hiss escaped the prone man's lips. "What is it? Tell me where it hurts so I can help you."

"You don't want to help me," Mulder cried into the pillow. "You only want to torture me..."

"What?" He couldn't possibly be awake. "Baby, I would *never*..."

"You always leave." He turned his face, wet with tears, to Krycek. Accusation glittered in his eyes. "You take me right to the edge, then you *leave*!"

Krycek struggled to understand. "Fox, I'm sorry, I don't...tell me..." All of a sudden, he got it. He looked down at Mulder, who was still curled into a fetal position, one hand pressed tightly to his crotch. "Hey." Hey touched Mulder's shoulder and was quickly rebuffed. He tried again. "Fox..." He tucked an arm around Mulder's chest and pulled him back against his body. "Listen to me. You've been dreaming. Do you hear me? It's a dream. It's not really me. I would never leave you like this..." He gently pried Mulder's hand away. There was an enormous bulge at the front of his shorts. Same as the other night. "Lisa..." 

"Leave me alone," Mulder rasped. 

"I'm sorry, baby. I'm sorry." He stroked Mulder's taut face. "Let me help you."

"No..."

"Yes." His hand slipped down to Mulder's chest and swept slowly through the golden brown smattering of hair that covered it. He nuzzled his ear and kissed a moist trail along the quivering jaw.

Mulder gripped the pillow under his head and gritted his teeth. 

"Relax, baby. It's all right." Krycek turned Mulder's head and brushed his lips with his own. "I'll take care of you..." He threaded a hand through his hair and kissed him deeply, eliciting a long, anguished moan from the man beneath him. "Just let me love you..."

Mulder turned onto his back and wound his arms around Krycek's shoulders, digging his fingers into the tight muscle. "Don't leave me this time, Alex. Please don't."

The small, child-like plea brought tears to Krycek's eyes. "I promise you, I won't leave. I'm going to make everything better. Just relax and trust me."

His mouth covered Mulder's, swallowing the hoarse cries for fulfillment. He draped a leg across Mulder's hips and pressed his rock-solid erection against him. 

Mulder gasped into Krycek's mouth and turned back onto his side, pushing back with his hips, rocking against him. "Please.....please....."

"Okay. Shhh. Take it easy." Krycek slipped Mulder's shorts off, then removed his own. He reached behind him and pulled the nightstand drawer open. Quickly, he coated two fingers with lube, and stroked them down the cleft of Mulder's ass, then worked them in and touched them to the tight opening. Mulder's body jerked and he groaned into the pillow. "Easy, baby." Slowly, his fingers pressed forward, stopping often and twisting a little to ease his entry.

An eternity later, he'd managed to get both fingers all the way in. Mulder lay against him, panting heavily. "Alex....please..."

Krycek bent his fingers and fluttered them, drawing a strangled scream from Mulder's throat. "Oh God, Alex....I can't wait, I can't...."

"All right," Krycek cooed. He gently withdrew his fingers and again reached for the lube. "No more waiting..." He applied a generous amount to his own erect cock and said a small prayer, asking for the strength to maintain his composure. He hugged Mulder to him and entered slowly. 

"Mmmmmmmmph.....uuuhhhhhhhhh, *Jesus*.....Alex......oh God, Alex......"

Krycek closed his fingers around Mulder's cock and began to stroke in time to the movement of his hips. Long and slow and completely shattering. Mulder writhed in his arms.

"This is what you needed, baby?" Krycek breathed in his ear. "Is this what you want?"

"*Yes*. Please don't stop...don't leave me...."

"I'm not going anywhere. I *promise* you, I'm going to give you what you need and all the hurt will go away."

Krycek increased the pace of his movements by a fraction, taking care to maintain the gentle rhythm he'd established. It proved to be no easy task. When his lover's muscles tightened around him, it just about put him over the edge. 

He had to hold on. He had to...but Christ, he was so tight and so beautiful and he'd missed him so much...

Mulder threw his head back against Krycek's shoulder and emitted a long harsh groan, snapping him back into reality. Without realizing he'd done it, he'd increased the speed and strength of his thrusts, more than he'd intended, driving Mulder to complete insanity.

Krycek tightened his arm around Mulder's chest to calm his thrashing. "Easy..."

Mulder pleaded, choking on his words. "Please, Alex...harder...." 

Krycek buried his face in the perspiration dampened hair. "Fox..."

Mulder squeezed his hand around the one on his cock and forced it to move faster. "*Do* it!"

And he did.

Krycek gritted his teeth and drove relentlessly into his lover, drawing an anguished whimper from him with each thrust. Two hands, one over the other, pumped the swollen cock in perfect rhythm.

"Fox," Krycek panted, "I...I'm...mmmh...." Shockwave after violent shockwave tore through his body, completely obliterating all thoughts and words. For that moment, Alex Krycek's world was ablaze with a bright, blinding light. It consumed him, allowing him to see nothing. Hear nothing. Feel only the clutching heat of the muscles around him and the fury of his long awaited release.

 As the tremors subsided and the light behind his closed eyelids faded to a dull reddish haze, he became vaguely aware that something was not right. That sound....*crying*. He struggled to pull himself out of the fog he was in, and confront the sound. When his eyes finally began to open, a disturbing image took shape.

Fox, rolled partially onto his stomach, sobbing. Krycek didn't have a clear line on him, but could see enough to know that his hand was still wrapped around his cock and from his frenzied movements, it appeared as though he had yet to climax. Krycek pulled himself up, balancing his weight on one arm. He reached over to Mulder and attempted to pull him onto his back.

"Fox? What's wrong?"

Mulder didn't hear him. He continued to pull roughly at his cock, making soft, guttural noises as he did.

"Baby..." Krycek moved over him, trying to still his hand. "Come on, now. Stop that..."

He couldn't stop. He was so close... He tightened his grip and jerked brutally.

"Fox! Stop!" Krycek began to pry at his hand. "You're going to hurt yourself..."

"I can't," he cried. "I can't..."

Krycek managed to take hold of both Mulder's wrists and hold them together in one hand, just below his chest. "Okay, easy, now..."

Mulder looked up at him with an expression that brought tears to his eyes. "Help me, Alex."

Krycek pulled him into his arms and rocked him back and forth. "Of course I'll help you, baby. Just relax, okay?" He reached over and grabbed the lube, squeezing some of it into his palm. Gently, he grasped Mulder's still rigid cock and began to stroke it. 

Mulder buried his face in Krycek's chest, whimpering frantically. 

"Easy, lisa. Let it come."

Close to fifteen minutes later, he knew it wasn't going to happen.

//What the fuck is going on, here?//

Krycek removed his hand and hugged the trembling, exhausted man to him. "Hold on, baby." He lowered Mulder to the mattress and slid downward until his lips brushed the still solid erection. His mouth closed over the head and Mulder groaned, clenching his hands in his determined lover's dark hair. 

Krycek's tongue flicked over the tip then swept over the surface, stopping to tease the small opening. 

Mulder bucked under him, thrusting into his mouth. His hips fell back onto the bed and he rose again, in a desperate search for release.

Krycek grasped Mulder's hips and held him almost immobile as he slowly descended, surrounding his tormented cock with wet heat. His throat opened and swallowed it to the base. He sucked gently, stroking his tongue back and forth along the large vein on the underside.

Mulder stiffened under him, curling his fingers tighter around the locks of hair he still held on to. Krycek was sure that his scalp was going to be sore in the morning, but that was the least of his worries, right now. His one and only concern was to relieve the unbearable ache that his Fox was suffering.

Ten minutes went by.

Krycek began to wonder if this might not be such a good idea. Mulder writhed in frustration. His agitation only seemed to be growing. 

Fifteen minutes.

Krycek's jaw was beginning to ache, and Mulder still didn't seem any closer than he was before.

Twenty minutes.

He couldn't continue. This wasn't working. He was tired. Mulder was overwrought. It was time to quit.

He pulled away and slid up alongside the exhausted man, taking him again into his arms.

"I'm sorry, Fox. I'm...I don't know what to do. I don't..." Krycek closed his eyes and tightened his arms around his ailing lover. A few tears escaped his closed lids and fell into the brown silk beneath his cheek.

Mulder trembled in his arms, still wracked with pain but far too drained to struggle any more. Krycek caressed his cheek. He sniffed once and cleared his throat. 

"I'm going to go call Scully..."

Mulder's hand closed weakly around his wrist. "No," he said just above a whisper. 

"Baby, you're in pain and I don't know what to do..."

"It'll go..." he drew a deep breath and released it. "..away. Don't call her."

"There is a *problem* here," he argued, "we can't just ignore it."

"Please, Alex. I'll be okay." He snuggled against Krycek's chest. "Please."

"Okay," Krycek relented and lay back against the pillows, pulling Mulder with him. He drew a hand up and down the pale skin of his back, stroking and massaging. "Close your eyes, take a few deep breaths and try to relax."

They lay together quietly. The only sign of movement from Mulder was the intermittent twitch of his body. Krycek continued to caress his back, dropping an occasional kiss into his hair. Just when he thought Mulder might be falling asleep, a muffled voice drifted up to his ear.

"I'm sorry, Alex."

A fresh surge of tears stung Krycek's eyes. Mulder was apologizing to *him*. He couldn't take this. He knew that for Mulder's sake, he had to hold it together, but inwardly, he was screaming.

//This is *your* fault, you goddamn fuck. *You* did this to him...all of it. And *he's* apologizing to *you*. How fucked up is that?//

"Don't you apologize to me. What is there for you to be sorry for?"

"For being so screwed up. You shouldn't have to...to deal with this..."

Krycek slipped his hand under Mulder's chin and lifted. He looked into the half-closed eyes. Funny, right now they were almost as green as his own. God, they were such beautiful eyes...

"Listen to me. I'm the cause of all of this. *I* am. If you're screwed up, it's *my* fault. *I'm* the one who's sorry, do you understand?"

"I was screwed up long before I even met you, Alex."

"That may be so, but I just compounded the problem, didn't I? And I swear, I never meant to. All I ever wanted was to love you."

Mulder blinked slowly, trying to absorb what he'd just heard. "What...what did you say?"

Krycek stroked the underside of his chin. "This wasn't exactly the way I wanted to tell you...I love you, Fox. That's why knowing that I've done *this* to you, hurts so goddamn much."

Mulder forgot his subsiding pain and concentrated on the words he'd made Alex say a second time.

He loved him.

He released a long sigh and wrapped his arm around Krycek's waist. He lowered his head to his chest and nuzzled the sprinkling of dark hair.

It was good enough response for Krycek. More, he thought, than he deserved.

  
4:31 a.m.

"Hello?"

"Scully, I'm sorry to be calling now..."

Scully shook off the last vestiges of sleep. "Krycek?" She squinted at the clock and sat up quickly. "What's wrong? Is he sick?"

"No...Scully, he didn't want me to call you but..." The treble rose in his voice. "I waited for him to fall asleep before I called you. Something is wrong."

"What? He sounded terrible. "Alex, what's wrong?"

"He asked me not to call you. He didn't want me to, but..."

"Alex?....Alex!" Scully threw blanket off. "I'll be there, soon."

Not waiting for an answer, she hung up and jumped out of bed.

  
5:20 a.m.

Krycek opened the door before Scully had a chance to knock. She blew past him and didn't stop until she reached the living room.

"Now, what the hell is going on?"

Krycek held two fingers up to his lips, instructing her to keep her voice down. "He's sleeping. Scully, if he knew I had you over here at this hour of the morning, he'd have a fit."

"He'll get over it. Now what's happening?"

"I know...I know what those dreams are all about."

"He finally told you?"

"No. I figured it out. He had another one tonight." He explained the nature of Mulder's nightmares to her, then paused. He began to pace in a short line, raking his fingers restlessly through his hair. "That dream was uh...kinda personal enough, but the rest of this is...well, I'll just skip to the part you need to hear."

Scully sat and listened quietly.

"The erections that he experiences after these dreams won't go away. He can't *make* them go away. He never said anything about it to either of us, because he thought it was just a manifestation of his anxiety over our separation. We went to bed together tonight, but we went to *sleep*. We agreed...sort of, that he was still too weak for anything else. But he had the dream again. And when I woke him up, he was so upset and frustrated. And he was in pain, Scully. It *hurts* him." He clenched his hands in his hair and continued to pace. "He needed me. He needed....and I gave it to him." He shook his head. "I *thought* I did. When I...recovered, I realized I hadn't. He was trying to relieve himself, but I had to stop him. He would have hurt himself if I hadn't." 

Scully sat stone-still. Only her eyes moved, following Krycek's back and forth movement.

"He begged me to help him." His voice started to crack. "I tried. For over half an hour, I tried. He couldn't...he couldn't...all I could do was try and make him comfortable. He finally fell asleep just a little while before I called you. I don't know what to do for him, Scully." His shoulders slumped and began to shake. Scully sat, quietly sympathetic while he cried. A few minutes later, he composed himself and leaned against Mulder's desk, staring into space.

Scully tented her hands over her mouth. "Did the erection go down?" 

He sniffed and swiped at his eyes with the back of his hand. "Slowly. Took about two hours." He looked toward the hall. "I want to go check on him."

Scully followed him to the bedroom where they found Mulder on his side, still soundly asleep. Krycek adjusted the blanket and pressed a soft kiss to his temple. Scully watched him for a few seconds, then preceded Krycek out of the room..

"He seems to be resting well."

Krycek nodded then looked away. "I've caused him so much harm, Scully."

"It's going to take a while Alex, but he'll be all right. You're the best medicine for him. You know, you should appreciate the hell out of that, coming from me."

He gave her a sad smile. "I do. But how can I be the cause *and* the cure?"

"You are. Just hang in there. The damage isn't irreparable. All you have to..."

Scully's speech was interrupted by a soft, husky voice coming from the hall.

"Alex?"

Krycek looked up. "He was just sound asleep." He bolted into the hall, where he found Mulder only half-awake, wandering out of the bedroom. Krycek clasped his arms around him.

"Where are you going?"

"Why did you leave me? I woke up and you weren't there..."

"I didn't leave you, Fox. I was in the other room. Come on back to bed. You're exhausted."

Mulder let himself be led back to the bedroom. Krycek eased him down onto the bed and his hands clutched the front of the younger man's t-shirt, pulling him down. 

"Please stay with me."

"Baby, I'm only in the next room..."

"No. Don't leave me."

"Okay." Krycek stretched out alongside him. "I won't go anywhere. But I want you to close your eyes and go back to sleep."

Mulder cuddled up against Krycek's heat and did close his eyes as he was asked.

Scully, who had been standing just outside the door, peeked in. Krycek hadn't yet noticed she was there. He lay propped against the pillows, petting the golden-brown head nestled against his chest. Sensing another presence, he opened his eyes and looked toward the door. She sent him a reassuring smile and wiggled her fingers at him, then disappeared from sight. He just about heard the front door open and close. He turned his attention back to Mulder, who had once again relaxed and would soon be asleep. He closed his eyes and let the weariness take him over.

Just as he was almost gone, Mulder's groggy voice brought him back.

"Alex?"

"Hmm?"

"I love you, too."

So much for sleep.

  
9:19 a.m.

Mulder opened his eyes to find his lover propped up on one elbow, staring down at him.

"How do you feel?"

His gaze fell away from Krycek's face. "Okay."

Krycek bent and kissed the corner of his mouth. "I was so worried last night. How many times has that happened?"

Mulder shrugged. "Lost count."

"And it always takes hours for it to stop?"

He nodded.

"Moy lisa, you've been dealing with that kind pain for all these months?"

No reply.

"No wonder you're so worn out. We have to do something. I can't let you continue to suffer like that."

"I thought that since you were back, the dreams would stop." He tried to smile. "Maybe it was just a little remnant."

"And maybe it wasn't. You scared the hell out of me, Fox. I've never felt that powerless in all my life. This is *my* mess and I can't even clean it up...I called Scully this morning after you fell asleep."

"You didn't."

"I did. I know you didn't want me to, but you need help and I'll do whatever I have to do to see that you get it." He looked directly into Mulder's mortified gaze. "There are a lot of things that I've had to apologize for, but not this."

Mulder turned his face. "You told her?"

"Yes. She's a doctor, Fox. And she's your best friend. There's nothing to be embarrassed about."

"Was that what you were doing this morning in the living room? Were you on the phone with her?"

"Actually, she was here. I called her and she came over."

Mulder closed his eyes and frowned.

Krycek stroked the creases between his eyes. "Please understand. I love you and I don't want you to hurt anymore."

Mulder opened his eyes. This was the third time he'd heard Alex's admission and still, it sent a little shiver through him.

"Will you please just talk to her? Maybe she can give us a clue." He brushed his mouth across Mulder's cheekbone. "Please?"

"All right, fine. I'll talk to her."

"Thank you." Krycek rested his forehead against Mulder's. "Are you upset with me?"

"I guess not."

".....Still love me?"

Mulder blinked up at him. His mind raced, trying to remember when he'd told Alex that he loved him...if ever.

"You told me that this morning," Krycek said, tapping into his thoughts. "After I got you back to bed. You don't remember, do you?"

"No."

"You want to take it back?"

Mulder drew a hand down his face and throat, letting it rest against the steady thud in his chest.

"No." 

Krycek tucked an arm around Mulder's waist and lowered his head to his shoulder.

Mulder's arms slid around his back, and held him tightly. He whispered to him, his voice tickling the sensitive inner ear.

"I love you, Alex. And I'm wide awake this time."

Krycek raised his head and their eyes locked for long seconds. Then slowly, his head descended again and he touched his lips to the slightly pale but completely, irresistibly luscious mouth of the man beneath him. The soft moan brought him back to his senses. He pulled abruptly away, licking his lips nervously.

"Sorry. Bad idea."

Mulder didn't fight him. He knew it wasn't such a good idea. "Yeah." He glanced over at the alarm clock. "Way past time to get up, anyway."

Krycek dropped a quick kiss on his eyebrow and backed off of the bed. "Relax for a few more minutes. I'm going to get into the shower." 

Mulder lay back against the pillows and plunged the fingers of one hand into his hair.

Alex was right. He couldn't go on this way. *They* couldn't. Okay, so they loved each other. That'd been established. As thrilled as he was about that, it wouldn't do for him to merely say the words. He needed more. And so did Alex. He'd talk to Scully and do anything she suggested. For both their sakes.

  
5:12 p.m.

"Left work kind of early, didn't you?"

Scully entered the room and sat across from Mulder, who was folded into a corner of the sofa.

"Yeah. Skinner won't notice."

"Sure he will. He'll just act as though he didn't."

She smiled. "I know. He looks in the other direction an awful lot for us."

"Maybe we should do something to show our appreciation. How 'bout a fruit basket?" 

Scully rolled her eyes.

"Alex told me that he called you this morning."

//Chalk another one up for Krycek.//

"Yeah?"

"He also told me that you were here."

"Yes, I was. He was so upset, I couldn't understand what it was he was trying to tell me, so I hung up on him and came over."

Mulder nodded silently.

"Mulder, why didn't you tell me what was going on?"

"Just never found the right time and place, I guess."

"Mulder..."

"I mean *really*, Scully. How was I supposed to bring that up? 'Yeah, and so I think the killer had some repressed sexual issues...oh, and by the way, did I mention that I'm having a wee bit of trouble with prolonged erections?'"

Scully rubbed her forehead. "I could smack you, Mulder."

He shrank farther into the sofa and said nothing.

Before Scully could say anything else, Krycek entered from the hall. 

"Hi, Scully." He looked from her to Mulder then walked directly over to the sofa and sat beside him. "What's up?"

"Nothing."

Krycek tapped the underside of Mulder's chin with a crooked finger. "You're not pouting for *nothing*. What is it?"

Scully answered for him. "He's being a pain in the ass."

Krycek grinned. "It's part of his charm."

"I'm glad *you* think so..."

"Well....look...I'm going to the store. We need a few things. Anything in particular you want, lisa?"

Mulder shrugged. "Ice cream?"

Krycek raised his eyebrows in Scully's direction. "Yeah?"

"Yeah. I feel like ice cream."

"What flavor?"

"Walnut fudge."

"You got it. Scully?"

"Huh?"

"Want anything?"

"No...thanks."

"Okay well, I'll be back soon." He got up and leaned over Mulder, speaking softly. "Remember you promised to talk to her."

"I know," came the equally soft reply.

"I'll be back." He planted a gentle kiss on the full lips and exited the apartment.

Irritated as she was at the moment, Scully had to smile, noting the softness in her partner's demeanor as he interacted with Alex.

"Okay Scully," Mulder sighed and turned to her once Krycek was gone. "Let's talk."

Twenty minutes and a handful of pauses later, he stopped talking and bowed his head.

"I really wish you had told me this earlier, Mulder. Alex said you were in quite a lot of pain."

"But it goes away..."

"After two or three hours. Mulder, that's not normal. Now, it may well just be anxiety, in which case the problem should correct itself. And since it did begin soon after Alex disappeared, I tend to believe that that's what it is. But if it doesn't stop, you're going to need to seek medical help. Mulder, are you listening to me?"

"Yeah. Why?"

"You just seem a little distant."

"No, I'm here." He glanced toward the door, then back to the patch of floor in front of him. "How long do you think I should give it?"

"That's more or less up to you, but I wouldn't let it go too long."

Mulder nodded. "Okay. We'll just wait then and see what happens."

  
5:55 p.m.

Scully sat talking to Mulder about nothing in particular and glancing periodically at his leg which had begun a rhythmic bounce.

"What is it, Mulder?"

"Hmm? Nothing, I was just wondering where Alex was."

"The store. Did you forget so soon?"

"No...but he said he only had to pick up a few things. The closest store is only five minutes away."

"Quit worrying, Mulder. I'm sure he's fine. He's a big boy, you know."

Mulder folded his hands in his lap. "I know. I just thought he was taking kind of long, that's all."

  
6:18 p.m.

Mulder had left the sofa and was now sitting in his desk chair, by the window.

"You're not real good company, you know?"

No answer. He continued to stare out into the darkening street. 

Scully checked her watch and heaved an impatient sigh.

//Hurry the hell up, would you Krycek? He's going to start climbing the walls any second now.//

  
6:43 p.m.

Scully's head snapped around as she heard the faint click of the knob. She flew to the door and met Krycek there, dragging him into the kitchen. Mulder continued to stare out the window. So deeply inside of himself was he, that he never even heard the door. 

"Where have you been?"

Krycek raised his eyebrows and held up three plastic bags. "Where did I tell you I was going?"

"All this time? Mulder's practically catatonic out there!"

Krycek glanced toward the door. "Why?"

"Because you've been gone so long. I know his mind...most of the time, and he's thinking you've taken off on him."

"Why in God's name would he think that?"

"He's *out* there, Alex. His mind isn't working right. You know what, the more I think about it, the more I think his fear of you deserting him is at the crux of this problem. He can't relax. He's wound up tighter than a spring. Your body will do all kinds of weird things to you when it's overwrought."

"He doesn't have to be afraid of me leaving him."

"*You* know that. *I* know that. Mulder *doesn't* know that. And the fact that you've taken over an hour to go to a store five minutes away, doesn't really help matters."

"I went to *four* stores."

"What the heck for?"

Krycek reached into the bag and pulled out a carton of walnut fudge. "You know how hard it was to find this stuff?"

Scully inclined her head and smiled. "Get out there and tell him that, would you? Before we have to fit him for a straightjacket?"

  
The object coming down in front of Mulder's face, startled him. As his eyes focused, he realized that it was a spoon. Heaped with walnut fudge ice cream. He swung the chair around and came face to face with the one he'd been waiting for. Krycek smiled at him.

"*Four* stores. You couldn't have asked for vanilla?"

Relief glazed Mulder's eyes.

"You going to eat this or are you going to wait till it melts all over your desk?" 

Mulder opened his mouth and allowed Krycek to feed him.

He withdrew the spoon and leaned in close. 

"Good?"

Mulder nodded.

Krycek slipped a hand into his hair and pulled him forward for a brief kiss. 

"I'll go see about your dinner. Then you can have some more."

That said, he turned and headed into the kitchen.

"Is he okay, now?" Scully asked when he came back through the door.

"I think so."

"What'd he say?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing at all?"

"No."

"But..."

"He didn't have to. I could see it all in his face."

She raised her eyebrows and shrugged. "Okay...look, I've been thinking. Maybe he should get away."

Krycek cocked his head.

She amended her statement. "The two of you, I mean. Alone. He can't relax here. Maybe if you took him someplace warm. Quiet."

Krycek's head bobbed from side to side. "Maybe...think he'd go for it?"

"Why not? He can't go to work. Why hang around here when he can recuperate someplace tropical?"

Krycek smiled at the thought. "Okay, you don't have to sell *me*."

"Good. Now we just gotta sell Mulder."

  
7:32 p.m.

After dinner was over, Scully stood to clear the table.

"Now if *I* could just find a man who cooks..."

Mulder looked to Krycek, pointing at Scully. "How come it's okay for *her* to clean up?"

"She's not sick...and besides....I want to talk to you about something."

Mulder turned again to Scully, who shooed him away from the table, even as Krycek pulled him up by his arm and led him into the living room.

Once they were seated, Krycek enfolded Mulder's hands in his own and kissed the exposed knuckles. "Scully had an idea. And I agree with it."

Mulder gave him a suspicious look. "What?"

"We should get away from here. You and me. Go someplace warm. Really out of the way. Someplace where all you have to do is concentrate on getting better."

"For how long?"

"However long it takes. You're on indefinite convalescent leave. Skinner won't have any problems with it."

Mulder sat quietly, thinking. Krycek caressed his jaw. "What do you think? Would you like to go away with me?"

"Where?"

"I'll take you anywhere you want to go. Name the place. The farther away from here, the better." His knuckles stroked back and forth. "Hmm?"

Mulder thought for a moment, then gave his answer.

"Yeah."

"Yeah?"

He nodded. "Yeah."

"Great. Now as soon as you pick a place, I'll make all the arrangements."

Mulder smiled. "Look at you, you're all excited."

"Damn right. We're going to be all alone. Just you and me. Where nobody knows us. No problems, no anxiety."

Mulder's smile faded. "Hope you're not disappointed."

"Listen, Fox. That isn't what this trip is about. It's about you relaxing and getting well. You understand?"

Mulder pressed his lips together and nodded.

Krycek held his arms out and he leaned into them gratefully. 

"Everything is going to be fine, baby." Krycek plunged a hand into his hair and massaged gently. "Just fine." He pulled back slightly and grinned. "Now how about some ice cream?"

  
End Part IV

 

* * *

 

11 November 1998  
Admission V: Paradise Found  
by Aries  
See Disclaimer in Part I  
Rating: NC-17  
Summary: Mulder is BACK, bay-bee... and he's hungry!

* * *

There was a time  
When I was everything  
And nothing all in one

When you found me  
I was feeling like a cloud across the sun

I need to tell you  
How you light up every second of the day  
That in the moonlight  
You just shine like a beacon on the bay

And I can't explain  
But it's something about the way you look tonight  
Takes my breath away  
It's that feeling I get about you deep inside  
And I can't describe  
That it's something about the way you look tonight  
It takes my breath away  
The way you look tonight

The Way You Look Tonight ~ Elton John

********************

Tuesday, 3:38 a.m.

Mulder lay on his back, staring up in the direction of the ceiling and listening to the soft sounds of sleep made by the man beside him. He shifted to look at Alex. He couldn't make much out in the darkness of the very early morning, but he could tell that his back was to him. Without actually making contact, Mulder's fingers traced a line across one shoulder and down his side. He wanted to touch that smooth skin. He wanted to so very much...

He closed his eyes and let himself imagine running his hand down Alex's trim waist to his hip, then letting it wander down the front of him until he reached his sleeping cock. In his mind, he could hear the soft sigh. He could feel the slight stir of the shaft in his palm as he gently fondled it through the thin cotton of Alex's underwear. He could feel the movement of his lover's body as he pushed back with his hips, slowly writhing against Mulder's stony erection.

As if on cue, Krycek moaned softly in his sleep and shifted his position. Mulder moved back quickly. If he hadn't, their bodies would have touched and after that little fantasy, it really wouldn't have been such a great idea. In the last week they'd been very careful to avoid any situation that might cause Mulder any more pain. Alex had even suggested sleeping on the sofa, but that was the one thing that Mulder absolutely would not agree to.

"This is just too much temptation Fox," Krycek argued the night after Mulder's nightmare. "I can't watch you suffer like that, again."

"And *I* can't stand the thought of you out there on the couch." He inched closer, brushing his thigh against Krycek's. "I need to have you here with me. I promise I'll behave myself."

"I must be out of my mind," he mumbled. "Okay, but I'm telling you, one slip and I *am* going to sleep on the couch. Deal?"

Mulder sighed. "Deal."

  
A week later, he'd kept up his end of the bargain. But being so close to Alex all night, night after night and not being able to touch him the way he was dying to touch him, was a torture all it's own. He hoped to hell that this vacation helped.

He looked over at the dark pile of luggage by the wall, then over at the clock. It'd be going off in about ten minutes, then they'd get up, get dressed and be on their way.

They were going to spend two months on Andros. The largest but possibly one of the least explored of the Bahama Islands. Perfect for those who crave privacy. Perfect for them. 

From the day Mulder had decided on the location, it took Alex three days to make all the necessary arrangements...none of which he'd discuss with his traveling companion. He insisted on complete control over all of the plans. From their flight, to where on the island they'd be staying, to the accomodations themselves, Alex was in charge. Mulder put up a little fuss just for show, but in reality he was looking forward to being surprised. 

He'd had no problems at all, getting the time off. Skinner knew how sick he'd been. Had watched him deteriorate for months and was almost as anxious as Scully to see him get well.

Scully. 

She'd been amazing through all of this. Going from the role of the antagonist to guardian angel, doing everything in her power to get he and Alex back together and keep them together. A better friend, there never was. He wished he could find some way to properly thank her for all she'd done for him.

  
He slipped quietly out of bed, taking care not to wake Alex. He hadn't slept especially well the past week. He'd always been a light sleeper, but since Mulder's dream the week before and the one he'd had just three nights ago, it was worse than usual. If he so much as sighed, Alex was awake, checking to make sure that everything was all right. Mulder hoped that this vacation would do as much for Alex's well-being as Alex hoped it would do for his.

He shut the alarm function off on the clock by the bed and stole out of the room. After a quick shower and shave, he got dressed and returned to the bedroom where Alex was still sleeping peacefully. He hated to wake him but it was time that he got up. Scully would be there to pick them up in about fifty-five minutes and he didn't want to keep her waiting.

He seated himself at the edge of the bed and touched Krycek's shoulder.

"Alex."

Krycek's eyes snapped open and he drew himself up on one elbow. Concerned eyes focused on the man in front of him.

"Hmm? You okay?"

Mulder's hand moved from his shoulder to the back of his head. "I'm fine," he said softly. "It's time to get up, that's all."

Krycek blinked and shook his head. "Oh. Okay." He noticed for the first time that Mulder was already dressed. " How long have you been up?"

"Only about twenty minutes."

Krycek gave him a sleepy smile. "Anxious?"

One corner of Mulder's mouth slanted upwards. "Yeah, I guess."

"You guess? You mean you're not sure that you want to leave this twenty-five degree weather and be someplace where you can lay in the warm sun, swim in the ocean..." He skimmed one finger down the curve of Mulder's cheek. "..take long, moonlit walks..."

Mulder's lopsided grin turned into a full smile. "Get dressed, would you? Let's get the hell out of here."

  
5:15 a.m.

Scully popped the trunk of her car and stood back as the men lifted the bags into the compartment.

"Thanks again Scully for getting up at such an ungodly hour," Krycek said.

"No problem." She pushed the trunk closed and they got into the car. "Now you said it was Gate two, right?"

Krycek pulled a small black notebook from his back pocket and flipped through a couple of pages. "Yeah. Gate two."

Mulder turned around and tried to sneak a peek at what was written in the book, but Krycek snapped it closed before he could see anything. Mulder cast his eyes upward and turned his head.

"Give up Mulder," Scully said, displaying a 'cat that ate the canary' smirk.

"C'mon Scully, give me a clue." He shot a disgusted glance at the one who had closed his eyes and stretched out in the back seat. "We've been partners for six years. *I'm* the one you have an allegiance to, *not* him...you never even *liked* him!" He chose to ignore the soft chuckle that came from behind.

Scully shrugged. "Sorry."

Mulder slouched in his seat. "Fine." 

Quiet prevailed until Scully approached the airport. She called to Krycek.

"Hey Alex, there's the sign for Gate two."

Krycek broke his silence. "Okay. Just follow the road right around. You'll come right to it."

//Come right to what?// Mulder wondered. His silent question was answered a few minutes later.

Scully pulled into a largely deserted lot and stopped the car. A few dozen yards away, sat a lone jet. A few people, the hangar crew from what Mulder could tell, were milling around, making last minute checks.

Mulder turned around and raised his eyebrows. "You chartered a plane?"

Krycek winked. "No obnoxious drunks, no complaining old ladies, no screaming kids. Our peace and quiet starts right *now*."

Mulder lowered his head and laughed softly. 

Krycek leaned forward and kissed his temple. "Surprise..."

The tinkle of Scully's laughter drew the attention of both men. She looked away and laughed again.

Mulder asked first. "What's so funny?"

"Nothing, it's...I just can't believe that I'm sitting here thinking how damn cute you two are together."

Mulder laughed too. "*You* can't believe it..."

Scully tapped the seat with her palm. "Come on, let's get you out of here."

As soon as she opened the trunk, two porters descended on them from behind.

"We've got those, ma'am."

She whirled to face the men, more than a bit startled. "Oh...sure."

When the men were gone, she turned to Alex. 

"Would their last names happen to be Krycek?"

"What do you mean?"

"They seem to possess the same ability to appear out of nowhere, that you do."

He merely shrugged and gave her a sly grin.

Minutes later, they were informed that the jet was ready to be boarded. Scully went to Mulder and wrapped him in a snug embrace. 

"You get plenty of rest, you hear? Enjoy yourself and don't worry about a thing. I got it all covered." She leaned back and pointed a stern finger at him. "And eat! If you don't put on at least eight pounds, don't even come back."

"I'll try. I promise. Scully....thanks. I don't...I don't know what I would have done..."

She cut him off before this started to get mushy. "Don't give it another thought. The best thanks I could have is to get my old partner back."

Mulder gave her another squeeze, then backed away. Scully looked to Krycek who was watching from a distance. She regarded him thoughtfully, then stepped forward.

"I know you'll take good care of him."

Krycek nodded. "I appreciate your trust."

Mulder was taken aback as he watched his partner stretch up and wind her arms around Krycek's neck.

Krycek himself was a bit stunned and it took him a second or two to respond. He brought his arms around her waist and hugged her back.

The embrace was brief but highly significant in the progression of the relationship between these two. They were no longer rivals but rather partners of a sort, both fiercely dedicated to the emotional and physical well-being of one Fox Mulder.

"Call when you get there," she reminded him.

"We will."

Scully moved away and waved at Mulder, who returned the gesture.

Krycek approached him and with a hand at the small of his back, steered Mulder toward the waiting jet. When they reached the top of the steps, both men turned and waved once more at Scully then disappeared inside.

Scully stood beside her car and watched the jet move toward the runway. Watched it's taxi and ascent. Not until she could see it no longer did she get into her car and drive off the field.

  
6:30 a.m.

Mulder ran a hand down the arm of his very comfortable seat and looked around.

"This is nice. Think I could get the Bureau to spring for a Lear for my next case?"

Krycek shook with silent laughter. "Nah. The Bureau couldn't give a good damn about your comfort." He brushed a few stray strands of hair away from Mulder's face. "*They* don't love you."

Mulder gave him an almost shy smile and changed the subject.

"Thanksgiving and Christmas in the Bahamas. Gonna be great."

"Are you sure you're okay with not being with you mother?"

"I'm fine. She's obviously okay with not being with *me*."

"I can't believe that she had no reaction when you told her you hadn't been well."

Mulder shrugged. "Well, she did ask if I was okay. Once I told her that I was, the barrier was back in place. A holiday together with her would be anything but relaxing." He reached for Krycek's hand, intertwining their fingers. "She's got family and friends. She won't be alone. And neither will I."

"But she doesn't know that..."

"True. She never asked if I was going away alone. I don't think she cares to know...whatever."

Krycek kissed the back of his hand. "Will you ever tell her?"

"I don't....I can't see that happening. She's already had one stroke. And if it she doesn't die from the shock, I think she'd write me off for good. It's too bad. I'd really like to think that she would be glad to know that for once in his life, her son was happy but..." He shook his head and went silent.

Krycek cupped his face. "Are you really happy with me?"

"I'm spending two months alone with you on a tropical island. Do you think I'd do that if I wasn't?"

Krycek grinned. "Guess not."

"Damn straight." 

"It's just that...so much has happened in the last few months. Sometimes I wonder."

"Wonder what?"

"Do you ever look at me sometimes and wonder what the hell you're doing, trusting me again?"

Mulder thought for a moment, then answered. "No. I mean...after this last week, how could I *not* trust you? Maybe...maybe at first...that morning you walked into my bedroom and Scully told me that she'd brought you there...all I could think about was the last time I'd seen you and I couldn't trust that you were there for *me*. For *us*. I really did think that either she'd forced you somehow, or guilt had gotten the better of you..."

"I understood that. It hurt like hell to hear it, but I did understand how you'd think it." His eyes searched his lover's. "You have no doubts at all anymore?"

Mulder shook his head.

Alex bowed his head as a smile crossed his lips. "Probably should have asked you this stuff *before* we got on the plane."

"To repeat Alex, if I didn't trust you, the last thing I'd be doing is going away with you for two months."

Alex leaned in and planted a chaste kiss on Mulder's lips. "How about some breakfast?"

"Sure."

Twenty minutes later, they were feasting on a light fare, consisting of warm butter croissants, fresh fruit and muffins. Well...Alex feasted. Mulder picked. 

"Not hungry?" Alex asked after polishing off his third croissant.

"I'm eating..."

"You've had two strawberries and about a quarter of that muffin."

Mulder looked down at his plate. "More like a third."

Alex sighed softly and broke off a small piece of muffin, bringing it to his lover's mouth. A sudden heaviness invaded his eyelids as he watched those sinfully beautiful lips part. A teasing flash of pink tongue and the morsel disappeared inside. When Mulder swallowed, he repeated the process. This time, the tip of Mulder's tongue inched out and managed to touch one of his fingers. Alex inhaled sharply at the tiny caress.

"Behave..."

"What'd I do?"

"You know what you did."

"You want to toss it into my mouth from a distance?"

"That might be safer."

"Can't control yourself?"

"I can control myself just fine, thank you."

"So then what's the problem?" There was that tongue again, snaking out to lap at a crumb stuck in the corner of his mouth. The muscle in Alex's jaw worked convulsively.

"No problem at all." His hand went back to his own plate. "Just eat, please."

Mulder slouched into the back of his seat. 

"Fox..."

"What?"

"Come on, don't make me."

"You don't have to," Mulder said in that soft, sulky voice...the one that drove Alex crazy.

"But you won't eat if I don't."

Mulder pushed the crumbs around in the plate. "It doesn't taste as good..."

Alex rolled his eyes toward the ceiling and expelled a hard breath. "I *swear*, when you're better I'm going to..."

Alex's words caught in his throat as a ray of sunlight passed through one of the windows, falling across Mulder's hair and eyes, highlighting both with the gold that was always there, dancing in the background. 

"You're going to what?"

Alex stared mutely.

Mulder waved a hand in front of his face. "You're going to *what*?"

Alex sighed. "Nothing. 

//Christ, you're so gorgeous.//

He reached into the plate and broke off another small piece of the muffin. Mulder smiled happily and opened his mouth.

"You're killin' me," Alex muttered as he fed the man beside him. Two more bites of the muffin and Mulder decided to carry the torture one step further.

"Can I have a slice of your orange?"

The corner of Alex's mouth twitched as he hesitated then reached down into his own plate. He carried the orange slice to Mulder's mouth, just knowing that he was up to no good.

Sure enough.

Once again his lips parted and he pushed forward, taking the whole slice into his mouth, *accidentally* covering part of Alex's fingers as well. He drew back slowly, licking and suckling along the way. When he reached the middle of the slice, he bit down and pulled away the portion that remained in his mouth. Alex remained motionless, hunger blazing in his dark eyes as he watched Mulder swallow.

"Mmm. Juicy." Mulder's gaze went to Alex's fingers and the second half of the fruit still held between them. "It's dripping down your hand."

Before he could respond, Mulder gently grasped his wrist and brought his mouth to the slightly trembling hand. He licked the lines of sweet moisture away from Alex's skin, his eyes closed in sensual bliss. This was the closest he'd come to anything other than platonic physical contact in over a week and he was enjoying every second of it.

Alex moaned softly. Christ, that mouth...

//Stop this now, Alex. Stop it while you still can...//

Mulder closed his mouth around Krycek's fingers and, wrapping his tongue around the remaining bit of orange, pulled it from his grip.

When his hand was freed, Krycek slumped back against his seat, trying to control the erratic pounding of his heart. "That's it," he whispered. "You can finish the rest on your own."

"You used to be fun..."

"And I will be again," Alex promised, "just as soon as we get you straight. Now stop being such a damn tease and finish your breakfast."

Ten minutes later, Mulder had eaten all he was going to eat, and Alex summoned the attendant to clear the trays away.

"You look a little tired," he said, observing Mulder's drooping eyelids. "Why don't you catch some z's?"

"What about you?"

Alex shrugged. "I think I'll take my own advice and do the same." He skimmed Mulder's arm. "How 'bout it?"

"Yeah actually, I *am* feeling pretty sleepy."

"I'm sure. Mercilessly teasing your man *will* do that to you."

"*Mercilessly*. Come on now..."

Krycek reclined Mulder's seat, then did the same to his own. "Shut up and go to sleep, Fox."

Mulder watched the green eyes close, then turned his head and shut his own. A soft smile played at his lips. 

*His man*.

Well....he was...

  
1:48 p.m.

A short, heavy-set woman watched from the doorway of the villa, as the limo wound it's way up the path. The car stopped in front of the door and before the driver could walk around to it, the back door opened and a tall, handsome young man stepped out. The bright sunlight shimmered in his hair as he moved to the side and allowed the other passenger to exit the car. The second man swung his long legs out and stood up. Just as tall. Slimmer. Pale but every bit as good looking as the first. 

The woman shielded deep brown eyes against the sun as she continued to observe the two men. The dark one wound and arm around the other's waist and steered him toward the house. The woman revealed an incredibly white, gap-toothed smile.

"We've been expecting you," she said in her thick Bahamian accent. "Welcome."

Krycek smiled back. "You're Marie?"

"Yes, sir."

"I'm Alex. This is Fox." 

Marie's eyes lit up. "Fox? Is that your real name, darlin'?"

Mulder took a liking to her immediately. "Afraid so."

Marie clapped her hands together and laughed. It was a deep, rich chuckle. "I think it's a lovely name. Perfect."

Mulder lowered his eyes and smiled again.

"Come in, come in," Marie motioned with a wave of her hand. 

Krycek followed Mulder into the house and looked around. 

"Your home for the next two months, gentlemen. We hope it's to your liking."

Mulder turned in a circle, taking in his surroundings. From what he could see of the downstairs, it was an open, airy floor plan. Comfortable over-stuffed furniture, large sparkling windows, from which hung long, billowy white curtains. Mulder watched, temporarily entranced by the way they danced in the warm breeze.

And there were plants. Lots of huge floor plants, adding a splash of deep color to the otherwise pale hues of the house.

Krycek leaned in and murmured in his ear. "Like it?"

"It's beautiful. You rented this whole house just for the two of us?

"Just you and me, remember?" Krycek nuzzled the ear he was speaking into.

Mulder risked an embarrassed glance at the housekeeper who watched at a discreet distance, smiling an amused, motherly smile.

Krycek spoke again. "Why don't you have a look around? I need to talk with Marie for a minute." He dropped a quick kiss on Mulder's jaw, then led Marie away.

Mulder watched his lover's slow pace, marveling at how very much at ease he seemed. He had no qualms whatsoever about his blatant displays of affection in front of the housekeeper and the driver, who had since brought their luggage into the house and was standing by the door, waiting for his next direction.

When Krycek and the woman stopped walking and began to talk, Mulder turned away and began to tentatively explore his new surroundings.

"Marie, I'm going to need some help."

"Yes, sir?"

"Yeah. First, don't call me sir. It's Alex. Second," He looked in the direction of the man who had meandered out onto the terrace. "We're here for some very specific reasons. Umm...Fox hasn't been well. He's had it pretty rough for the last several months. He's getting better now, but we'd decided that maybe we could speed his recovery along someplace other than home."

Marie tossed a sympathetic glance in Mulder's direction. "I did notice an unhealthy paleness to him when you arrived. And he's so terribly thin, poor child."

"Yeah. He's dropped quite a bit of weight. We've got a lot of rebuilding to do. Not just his weight. Strength, endurance..." He hesitated. "So many things. So uh...as far as meals go, he's still eating lightly for now. His stomach won't tolerate anything heavy or spicy."

"Not a problem. I can plan a menu a couple of days at a time in advance. I will of course, check with you to make sure that it meets with your approval."

"Thank you."

Marie followed his gaze to the terrace. She glanced back at Krycek, noting the softness in his expression as he watched the other man.

"Don't you worry none. We'll fatten him up in no time." She studied Krycek for a moment then continued. "You look as though you could do with some lookin'after, yourself."

"Me?" He smiled. "I'm fine."

"I been a mother for more years than you been alive, darlin'. I suspect that you been frettin' so long about *him*, that you take no time to take care of yourself. But what good will you be to him if you take sick?"

Krycek silently considered her words.

"Why don't you get on now? See the rest of the house and get yourselves settled? Will you be wantin' dinner at home this evenin'?

"Uh, yeah. We'll just be hanging out here for the next couple of days to unwind."

Marie winked. "Good idea. You go on now. See to your sweetheart."

Krycek cocked his head and gave her a curious half smile.

"Darlin', I been around sixty-one years and if I learned one thing, it's that love is love. Makes no nevermind who it's between." She shook her head. "Not nearly enough love in the world. If you're lucky enough to find it, hang on to it."

Krycek said nothing, only stared at her in silent amazement. Marie shoved him away.

"Go on with you now. Have a look around...maybe have yourselves a nap before dinner."

"Which would be at what time?"

"What time would you like it?"

Krycek shrugged. "I don't know...six-thirty?"

"Very good." Marie gave him another wide grin and bustled away.

Krycek stared after her for a moment, then turned to join Mulder on the terrace. As he passed through the parlor, a deep voice reached his ear.

"Excuse me sir but, where would you like your bags?"

"I'm sorry Anthony, I forgot you were there. Uh...just put them in the master bedroom. Do you know where that is?"

"Yes, sir."

"Good. Because I have no idea."

"Up the stairs, sir. Last door on the right."

"Thanks."

As Anthony made his way up the stairs, Krycek found his way to the terrace.

Mulder leaned forward against the stucco wall and breathed in the warm salt air. Even though he wore his sunglasses, his light-sensitive eyes squinted in the glare of the early afternoon sun. He looked down at the empty beach. The sand had the appearance of pink sugar, fine and pure. Turquoise water, capped with foam, washed it's edges, smoothing and flattening and making it look not entirely like the stuff in the bottom of nine year old Fox Mulder's cereal bowl.

He smiled, hearing a very young Samantha complain as he scraped his spoon along the bottom of the bowl, gathering up the gritty sweetness.

"How come mine doesn't make that noise, Fox?"

"Because you don't let it sink to the bottom. You stir it around until it all melts."

He scrunched his lips up and sighed as his little sister began to pout.

"Here," he slid his bowl across the table. "You can have mine."

Smiling again, Samantha happily scratched at the remains in the bottom of her brother's bowl.

"Earth to Mulder."

"Huh?"

Krycek smiled and leaned back against the wall. "You were a million miles away."

"Yeah, I guess."

"Was it a good place?"

Mulder nodded and turned to Krycek. "This is beautiful. I can't believe you did this. It must have cost you a fortune."

Krycel shrugged. "I never splurge. Felt good."

"Let me help you with the expenses."

"Nope. I got it covered."

"Yeah, but Alex..."

"No." He raised a hand to Mulder's cheek. His thumb swept back and forth. "Just shut up and let me spoil you, okay?"

Mulder opened his mouth to protest further, then thought better of it.

Krycek leaned to the left and laid a soft kiss on his mouth.

"Tired?"

"Not really."

"Want to poke around the rest of the place?"

"Sure."

For the next couple of hours they explored the house and grounds, leaving the upstairs for last. When they'd finally reached the second floor, Mulder was looking a bit weary.

"I think we could both do with a nap," Krycek suggested, reading his eyes. 

They reached the last door on the right and Krycek opened it with a flourish, bowing deeply.

"Your bed chamber, my lord."

Mulder grinned and grasping a handful of dark hair, pulled Krycek up straight. "Knock it off," he said on a soft chuckle, as he entered the room and looked around. "Damn."

The bedroom was huge, done in mostly ivory, with pale accents here and there. In one corner of the room, sat a small round dining table and two overstuffed chairs, draped in ivory. In the middle of the table, there was a slim crystal vase, from which sprang three graceful, green Midori anthuriums. Several feet away, against the north wall, there was a polished teak highboy dresser. Slightly right of the center of the room, was a sitting area. The sofa and one of the two chairs, done in the familiar ivory. The odd chair was a dull celadon. The three seats surrounded an oblong coffee table, carved of the same gleaming teak. In the middle of it rested a bowl, cradling the same green anthuriums as those found on the dining table.

Mulder's eyes traveled to the left and took in the sight of the king-sized four poster bed. Adorned with a fluffy ivory comforter and at least eight pillows in different sizes and shapes, it beckoned to his exhausted body, invitingly.

Just beyond the bed and straight out before them, were two huge french doors, the frame draped with yard upon yard of sheer ivory curtains. Mulder moved to the doors. He opened them and stepped out onto the private veranda, where he found yet another small table and two chairs. He smiled, fondling one of the half dozen plants inhabiting the area and looked out to the ocean.

"Bet it's a hell of a sunset."

He felt a gentle hand on his shoulder. He turned to meet Krycek's eye.

"Think you can take two months of this?"

He faced the ocean once more. "Yeah, I think I can suffer through it."

"Glad to hear it. I think I'll go take a shower, I feel kinda grubby."

Mulder nuzzled his cheek. "Want some company?"

"Now why does that not sound like such a good idea?"

"Sounds good to *me*..."

"No, no...I can't trust you to be good."

Mulder pulled back and stared into his eyes. "Oh, you can trust me to be good..."

"God." The word broke from Krycek's lips in a choked whisper. "Come on, Fox. Let's just try to unwind and relax first, okay? We've got two months. Let's take it slow and easy." He could see the disappointment in Mulder's face.

"Fine. Go take your shower. I gotta call Scully, anyway. Forgot all about it. She must be having a fit."

Krycek wanted to say something to him. But what the hell could he say? Even though Mulder knew the consequences, he was becoming more and more frustrated with each refusal and it was becoming increasingly difficult for Krycek to pacify him. 

He dropped his head to Mulder's shoulder. "I'll be back in a few."

Not receiving an answer, he lifted his head and walked back into the bedroom and toward the bathroom, picking up one of the small bags along the way. 

Mulder waited until the door closed, before he walked back into the room and picked up the phone.

"Scully."

"It's me."

"Mulder." He could hear the relieved breath. "You forgot, didn't you?"

"Yeah. I'm sorry. We started looking around and it completely slipped our minds."

"It's okay. So how do you like it?"

"It's beautiful." 

"You don't sound very enthused."

"I am, I'm just..I'm tired."

"Sound like more than just fatigue."

Sometimes he really hated that she could read him so well.

"I'm fine, Scully."

"Where's Alex?"

"Shower."

Scully rubbed her temple. When he started with the one word answers, it was a sure bet that something was up. She decided not to pursue it. Let Alex handle it.

"Okay, Mulder. Get some rest and please, try to relax and have a good time."

"I will. I'll call you soon."

"All right, then. Bye, Mulder."

Mulder dropped the phone back into the cradle and walked back out to the veranda.

Alex turned on the spray and stripped out of his clothes. He sighed as the cooler open air hit his screaming erection. He stepped into the shower and let the water flow over him.

"Mmmm...."

The warm water played over his cock, teasing it into greater stiffness. Unable to stand the pressure any longer, he closed his hand around the shaft and began to slowly stroke it. His eyes drifted shut as he imagined that it was his Fox's hand wrapped lovingly around him, bringing him to that delicious state of insanity, doing things to his mind and body that only Fox could do.

In his mind's eye, he could see his lover, soaking wet and sliding down his body. Kneeling on the cool tile, in a pool of water. Taking him into his mouth. Long fingers gently squeezing his ass, pulling him forward, coaxing him as far down his throat as he could go...

Krycek leaned forward on one hand, directly under the shower head. His other hand worked his cock faster and with firmer strokes. He bit the inside of his lip to keep himself from crying out as he came. Warm, slick fluid gushed up and flowed over his fist and down his arm. He turned and fell back against the wall, gasping for air. 

As he drifted back into awareness, he felt a sharp stab at his chest. He recognized the pain as remorse. So often now, he jerked off alone in the shower and he hated it. But Fox drove him crazy and though he always offered...hell, he practically begged Krycek to let him take care of him, he'd always refused.

"No, lisa. It's not fair to you."

"But Alex..."

"You can't tell me that getting me off wouldn't turn you on."

"Well...yeah..."

"Yeah. And there's nothing I can do about it. So you stay frustrated and unsatisfied." He shook his head. "I can't do that to you. When we get away and you wind down and relax, we'll try again. Okay?"

"Yeah, okay."

He always turned quiet after one of these conversations. Going off into a corner to lick his wounds. Krycek learned quickly to leave him alone when he got like that. He'd come out of it by himself and be all right, until the next time.

He moved back under the water and washed quickly. After he'd dried off, he pulled on a pair of white boxer briefs and a loose fitting tank top and left the bathroom. As he walked into the room, he noticed that Mulder was still on the veranda, only now he was sitting at one of the wrought-iron chairs, staring out into the water.

"All yours."

Mulder turned in the direction of the voice. His eyes quickly swept the length of Krycek's body. He nodded and rose from the chair. Krycek stood motionless as the still brooding man brushed past him and walked into the bathroom. When he heard the soft click of the door, he walked slowly to the bed and sat down. 

Soft. 

He ran his hand over the comforter and spun to his feet, throwing it back and folding it neatly at the foot of the bed. He lowered himself again to the mattress and lay back against the pillows. By the time Mulder had emerged from the bathroom, he was sound asleep.

Mulder stood over his sleeping lover, dressed much the same way. Heather-gray boxer briefs and a loose gray tank. His hair fell in damp strands over his forehead and into one eye, giving him that "little boy lost" appearance that always went straight to Alex's heart.

He hesitated for a moment then got into bed, propping himself up against the pillows. He stared down at the still figure beside him. He always felt so bad after they'd had one of these *things*. Yet he knew with certainty, that he'd react the same way again. As much as tried not to, every time Alex denied him, he'd shut down. He didn't want to. He *knew* all too well, Alex's concerns and he knew that his refusals were necessary, but he was so damned tired of it. He wanted Alex. He wanted to have him the way he used to. Willing and sweet. Not afraid of causing him unimaginable pain. Mulder skimmed the dark hair with the back of his hand.

And hot.

He smiled.

Jesus, this man was hot. Mulder found himself wondering sometimes, how any one person could have such a bone-jarring effect on another. One of Alex's smoldering looks, and he was jelly. One lingering touch and he was good to go. He wanted that back. He needed it and it drove him out of his mind that he couldn't have it. He shouldn't take it out on Alex, though. He was just as unhappy about this as Mulder was, though infinitely more patient.

"I'm sorry, Alex," he said, so softly, even *he* barely heard it, but Alex's eyes snapped open and he turned onto his back. He blinked up at Mulder.

//Damn.//

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to wake you. Go back to sleep."

"You okay?"

"Yeah. Go back to sleep."

"What about you?"

To appease Krycek, Mulder slouched down into the pillows and closed his eyes, though he did not relax. And Krycek knew it. Tension radiated from him like so much steam from a hot press.

"Fox?"

"What?"

"Lie flat and turn over."

Mulder opened his eyes and looked at Krycek, who was now sitting up.

"Go on."

Never moving his eyes away from Krycek's face, he slid flat onto his back then turned onto his stomach.

Krycek manuevered into a more comfortable position beside him then began to massage his back and shoulders. An involuntary moan escaped Mulder's lips.

"Close your eyes and relax," the low soothing voice said. "Let it all go."

Slowly, Mulder's knotted muscles began to relax. As usual, he never completely unwound, but it was enough to aid in getting him to sleep.

As Mulder's respiration slowed, Krycek continued to speak softly to him.

"That's it, baby. Let all your troubles go. You're with me and you're safe. Go to sleep. I'll be right here when you wake up. Right here. I promise you..."

  
6:01 p.m.

Mulder's eyes drifted open and focused on the empty space beside him. He jerked into a sitting postion, eyes darting around the room.

Empty.

He looked to the spot where their bags had been left.

Only his remained.

Heart pounding, he skittered across the bed and started for the door. Before he could reach it, the bathroom door swung open and Alex stepped out. Mulder stopped short and forced himself to drag two long breaths into his lungs.

"What's the matter?" Krycek asked, noting the trace of panic in his eyes. "Where are you going?"

"N-nowhere."

"You look a little spooked. Did it startle you to wake up in a strange place?"

"Uh..." he raked a hand through his hair. "Yeah. Y-yeah, that must be it. Um...Alex...I ...I'm sorry about before."

"S'okay."

Mulder shook his head. "When are you going to get tired of accepting my apologies?"

"All the stuff you're going through right now is my fault. You don't owe me any apologies and I feel guilty as hell every time you make one. *Please*. I wish you would stop."

"What's done is done, Alex. You're here and you're trying to make it right and I accepted that. I'm supposed to be working *with* you, not makings things harder."

"You didn't ask for this. I'd have to be out of my mind to think that any of this was going to be easy. You feel how you feel and there's no need to make apologies for it."

Mulder's eyes danced away from Krycek's face and over to his bags. "Where's your stuff?"

"I just finished putting it all away. I was just coming in to get yours and wake you up. Dinner is in half an hour."

//See, Mulder? Logical explanation. //

"Okay. I'll get changed."

Without another word, he grabbed one of the bags and started toward the bathroom. Krycek caught him by the arm, bringing him to a halt. The sensation from the light pressure of his fingers around Mulder's bicep, traveled through the restrained man's body, generating tiny shivers.

"What were you thinking?"

"When?"

"When you were heading out of the room."

The way Mulder saw it, he had three choices. Tell the truth and risk an argument or worse, hurting his feelings, lie and leave him suspicious or say nothing at all and open his non-reaction up to speculation.

He remained silent.

//Let the postulations begin.//

"You thought I'd left, didn't you?"

//Accuracy has never been much of a problem with you, has it Alex?//

More silence was Krycek's answer.

He could have told Mulder to stop worrying. He could have said, for the hundreth time, that he *would not* leave him, but he knew that it would be pointless. Words were not going to do it. All he could do was keep doing what he was doing and hope that Mulder would finally, really get it.

He backed up a couple of steps, then moved in front of him. His arms went around Mulder's back and pulled him in close. 

The bag fell to the floor and Mulder's hands slid up Krycek's back and clenched in his shirt. He closed his eyes and released a shuddering breath as he felt a gentle hand weave through his hair and a soft mouth, planting reassuring kisses on the side of his face. He raised his head and met his lover's eyes.

"I'll go get dressed."

Krycek nodded and laid another kiss on the tip of his nose. He watched Mulder disappear into the bathroom, then picked up the remaining bags and walked toward the second closet.

  
6:35 p.m.

The two men sat across from each other at opposite ends of the dining room table, separated by at least three place settings.

"If we move everything away from the middle, we can play table hockey with the salt shaker," Mulder offered.

Krycek laughed. He was in better humor. Good. 

"I think Marie probably thinks that this is romantic."

Mulder rested his head against his splayed thumb and forefinger and raised his eyebrows.

"The lady is way cool."

"I guess *so*."

As if she'd heard her name, Marie appeared out of the kitchen with dinner, interrupting their conversation.

"All right, you two. Eat." She turned and stared pointedly at Mulder. "Especially you."

Mulder made show of looking around. He faced Marie again and pointed a finger into his chest. "Me?"

"Yes, you. If you got any thinner, you'd disappear completely."

"I'm not that *thin*."

"Don't argue with me, child. Eat."

Mulder smirked at Krycek. "Yes, ma'am."

Marie gave him one of those maternal smiles and paraded out of the dining room.

Krycek waited until she was out of earshot, then leaned over his plate and spoke in a low, confidential tone. 

"I think we've been adopted."

"I can think of worse things than being mothered for eight weeks."

Krycek displayed a flash of white teeth. "Definitely." He plucked his glass from the table and raised it. "To two months of peace and relaxation."

Mulder did the same. "To getting us back to where we were."

Each man took a small sip. Krycek spoke again. "To...patience."

Mulder countered. "To warm nights..."

"To long walks and quiet conversation."

"To...the pale moonlight reflecting in your eyes..."

A tiny smirk quivered in the corner of Krycek's mouth. "Eat your dinner."

Deciding not to push the issue any further, Mulder turned his attention to his meal. Twenty minutes later, Krycek looked across the length of the table, at his plate and smiled.

"Hey, you did pretty well."

"It was good."

"Feel okay?"

"Yeah."

"Up for some dessert?"

//Shit, did I just say that?//

Mulder chewed the corner of his lower lip. The heat of his gold-flecked stare traveled the length of the table like a fireball, hitting it's target full-on. Were it not for the fact that he was already sitting, it would have knocked Krycek flat on his ass. It took him a moment to find his voice.

"Uh..." he cleared his throat. "You know...pie...chocolate pudding..."

Mulder continued to stare.

"Jello?"

Mulder's eyes finally dropped away, letting him off the hook. "I couldn't eat another bite."

Krycek blew out a silent breath. "How about a walk?"

Mulder looked up again, the raging fire reduced to smoldering embers.

"Sure. Why not?"

  
7:45 p.m.

"Sky's starting to change color." Krycek stopped and hoisted himself up onto a flat rock. "Want to watch?"

Mulder removed his sunglasses and squinted up at him. A soft smile graced his lips as he observed the child-like enthusiasm.

Krycek grinned down at him. "What?"

"You act like you've never seen a sunset before."

Krycek looked out to where sky met water. "It's been years since I've actually had time to sit and appreciate one." His eyes darted back down to Mulder's. "I'm willing to bet that it's been a while for you, too."

Mulder climbed up and sat beside him. "My last memory of a sunset was when I was a kid at our summer place. I'd take Samantha out near the water to see it. It was so quiet up there. Too quiet. I got her as far away as possible, but the sound of my parents arguing, carried for quite a distance."

"Well...I hope in another twenty-five, thirty years, you can look back and remember this as being good."

Mulder fixed a soft stare on him. "How else *could* I remember this?"

Krycek released a satisfied sigh. His eyes cut away, back to the skyline.

Not another word was said between them as they watched the sun dip below the horizon, turning the sky and inhabiting clouds to a countless number of shades of purple and pink. When dusk had finally settled, Krycek turned back to the man sitting beside him. He breathed deeply, drinking in the shadowed beauty of him.

Awesome.

Jesus, this man was more beautiful than any man had a right to be...

Mulder sensed more than saw that he was being watched. His head turned in the direction of the stare. Curious hazel eyes locked with solemn green eyes, searching. Seeking an answer to questions that had no definitive answers. Not now. 

The muscle in Krycek's jaw flexed. He could feel the warmth of his Fox's thigh, just a hair-breadth away from his. He felt himself falling. Sinking deeper into those eyes. He swallowed against the dryness in his throat. All he had to do was lean in a few inches. Fox would meet him the rest of the way...

 His eyes flicked to that outrageously sexy mouth. He wanted that mouth in the worst way. He could spend hours on that bottom lip alone, licking. Sucking it's sweet fullness into his mouth. Biting hard enough to draw those low raspy moans that he loved to hear, but not so hard as to bruise. He could never hurt these beautiful lips.

He focused again on the eyes. They seemed closer, somehow. The gold in them, brighter and more prevalent. Had he moved? He wasn't sure. He might have. Or maybe Fox had. Maybe they both did. He blinked and backed away. He tore his eyes away and looked up at the sky.

"It's almost dark," he said, faintly above a whisper. "You want to head back?"

The answer took a while to reach him. "No. Un-unless you want to..."

"No. No, I was j...I..I was just asking."

They sat quietly in the gathering darkness. An hour had passed before either of them spoke. Finally, it was Mulder who broke the silence.

"I'm a little tired."

Krycek rose and held a hand out to him. "Come on, then."

Mulder reached up and grasped the hand, pulling himself up. As soon as he was on his feet, he released his grip and started to move his hand away. Before he was completely out of reach, Krycek recaptured the hand. Keeping his eyes focused on Mulder's, he interlaced their fingers and gently pulled him close. He tilted his head and laid a brief kiss along the line of the older man's jaw. Still holding on to Mulder's hand, he led him up the rocks and back to the house.

  
10:01 p.m.

Mulder lay against the mass of pillows, the light sheet draped across his hips. His bare chest rose and fell slowly as he drifted into sleep. Krycek emerged from the bathroom and stopped at the edge of the bed. His eyes roamed the length of his lover's torso, letting them drop to the sheet covered area. He idly wondered if he was wearing anything under that sheet. 

He smiled.

It'd be just like Fox to be naked...just to drive him crazy.

He lifted the sheet and slid underneath. And while he was at it, he snuck a peek. Underwear. He found it unimaginable that he was actually behaving himself, but anything was possible. Maybe he was just too tired.

He leaned to his left and brushed his lips across the surface of Mulder's hair. He slid closer and settled back against the pillows beside him. "Goodnight, lisa."

  
Thursday, 6:17 p.m. Thanksgiving

"God, I'm stuffed." Krycek caught Marie as she passed by the table. "Marie, that was fabulous."

"Glad you liked it." She looked to the other man at the opposite end of the table. "What about you, child?"

"Excellent. Thank you, Marie."

The housekeeper moved closer to investigate Mulder's plate. She nodded approvingly. "Not bad. Not bad at all. By the time you leave here, you are going to be at least ten pounds heavier."

"Sounds like a threat."

"Take it for what you want, boy."

Marie cleared the table and left the two to themselves. 

"It's been forever since I've actually sat down to Thanksgiving dinner," Mulder commented.

"I know. Me too." Krycek studied him. "You probably thought that the next time you did this, it'd be with your wife and kids, huh?"

Mulder's mouth opened slightly and turned up into some semblance of a smile. His head twitched back and forth. When finally found his voice he said, "You know, I never thought about it."

One dark eyebrow arched upward. "Never?"

He thought for a moment then, "No."

"Wow."

"You?"

Silence then, "No."

"Why not?"

"Well, first of all, not in *my* business, second, I never thought I'd live long enough to even consider something like that and third, I've spent the last several years of my life lusting after a *guy*."

Mulder feigned shock. "Get the hell outta here..."

Krycek raised a hand. "Swear to God."

"Holy shit. Anybody I know?"

The corner of Krycek's mouth quivered. "I'm not sure. He's in law enforcement of all things. Tall, gorgeous, lips that I'd kill or die for..." He suppressed the smirk he felt coming. "Eyes you could fall into and beautiful blonde hair..."

He couldn't duck fast enough to avoid the balled-up napkin that sailed across the table. It connected with his head as he laughed helplessly.

While Mulder was looking around for something else to throw, Krycek slipped out of his chair and moved behind him. His arms encircled the seated man, securing his arms to his sides. He nuzzled the slightly rough cheek. "You know I'm kidding."

Mulder twisted his head away from the soft lips. "I know no such thing."

Soft chuckle. A hand against his cheek, turning his face into a waiting kiss. "Yes you do."

Mulder closed his eyes. The feel of his lover's mouth skimming his cheek sparked a riot of sensation within other parts of his body. He freed an arm, reaching behind him and plunged a hand into the dark silk, intent on holding Krycek's head where it was. 

He couldn't be sure which of them that throaty, feral moan came from but it did snap him back into reality. He'd made a promise to himself that first night, after they got back from the beach that he would stop torturing Alex and himself. It was a promise he intended to keep.

The hand in his hair released it's grip, surprising Alex. Mulder dropped a quick kiss on his lips, then pulled completely away. He stood quietly startled as he watched the older man move across the room, stopping at the glass doors.

"Going to be another beautiful sunset, I think. Want to go for a walk?"

Alex gave no immediate answer. He was presently wrapped up in trying to figure out this new phase in Fox's attitude. 

For two days now, he'd been on his best behavior. No questionable comments. No smoky looks. Tonight was the closest he'd come to anything resembling a sexually motivated touch and even now, he'd reined himself in. Alex's eyes narrowed. There was something going on in that gorgeous head but he wasn't sure what...

"Alex?"

"Hmm?"

"Walk?"

"Yeah. Sure. Let's go."

  
The next couple of weeks went fairly smoothly. On the whole, Mulder's appetite had improved. He'd gained three pounds and his color had started to come back. His sleeping habits had also improved, though he was still plagued by the occasional dream. He'd had two since they'd arrived. The first happened their third night on the island and the second came just two nights ago.

He awoke as he usually did, clinging desperately to Alex, shaking and in pain but made no attempt to ask for release. Alex wondered why. Could it be that he was simply accepting this as part of his life or was there something else going on here? Mulder gave him no clues and when he tried to broach the subject just yesterday, it was promptly changed.

Alex glanced at his watch. Five-fifteen. Until now, they'd stuck relatively close to the house, exploring the surrounding caves and mangroves or lounging on the private beach. Today, they were going to dinner in town. Mulder's suggestion. Krycek couldn't hide the surprised expression when he'd brought the idea up yesterday.

"Really? Uh...yeah. Sure, that'd be great."

"Well if it's so great," Mulder teased, "how come you hadn't suggested it yourself?"

Krycek shrugged. "I didn't want to push."

"I think maybe it wouldn't hurt for you to push just a little..."

Krycek finished buttoning his shirt then stood back to check himself in the full-length mirror.

Cool and casual but not overly so, he'd chosen a pair of oatmeal colored pleated pants and a chocolate brown, raw silk shirt. The leather slip-on shoes matched the shade of the shirt almost exactly.

He turned to the left then to the right, tucking and smoothing and when he was satisfied, exited the bathroom. He walked through the bedroom and stopped just short of the French doors, observing Fox in silence.

He stood on the veranda, leaning on his forearms against the rail, giving the man behind him a rather enticing view of his rear, encased in the light-weight fabric of the black pants he wore.

Alex sucked half of his lower lip into his mouth as he advanced.

Sensing that he was no longer alone, Fox spun on his heel and came face to face with Alex.

"Scully was right."

The younger man raised a curious eyebrow.

"I should get you a bell."

Alex gave him a mock sneer then looked him up and down.

"Very nice."

Mulder shrugged. "If you slapped a jacket and tie on me, it'd look like I was ready for work."

Alex shook his head slowly. "No. This material is loose." He brought his hands up to the white silk shirt. "Touchable..." He undid two buttons, partially baring Fox's chest, his fingers teasing the sprinkling of golden-brown hairs along the way. "Sexy."

Fox's eyes rose to meet Alex's. It had been quite a while since he'd seen that look. Predatory. So completely raw. Utterly Alex. He'd missed it.

Mulder wondered what would happen if he responded the way he wanted to. If he moved just half a step forward and rubbed up against him....

The familiar stir in his crotch brought him back to his senses. He backed away, maybe a bit too quickly because he could see the lust flicker and fade. Confusion tinged with a bit a of regret took it's place. 

Alex cleared his throat and ran a hand through his hair. "Ready to go?"

Mulder plucked his wallet off the bed and slipped it into his back pocket. "Ready."

As the two men made their way down the stairs and through the parlor, a deep warm voice followed them.

"Enjoy your evenin', children."

"Thanks Marie," they called in unison as they departed.

  
"Where'd this come from?" Mulder asked, walking toward the the black Porsche convertible. 

"The garage. It came with the package." He grinned and opened Mulder's door. "I really didn't think you'd be comfortable riding around in the back of a limousine all the time."

Mulder hesitated then folded himself into the low seat. "You're right about that."

Alex shut the door and rounded the front of the car. Once inside, he turned to Mulder and smiled. "I figured."

A flick of the key and the engine roared to life. "Ohhhh, I could get used to this," Krycek murmured. "Maybe I'll trade my car in when we get back."

Mulder chuckled. "A car freak. Wonderful."

Alex pulled out of the driveway and started down the narrow road. "Come on, you can't tell me that this isn't nice..."

"Of course it is. I guess I just never give a whole lot of thought to what I'm driving. All those cheap rentals and requisitions."

Alex pulled off to the side of the road and parked. Mulder watched curiously as he opened the door and got out. He motioned to the other man to do the same.

"What?"

Alex came around to the passenger's side and threw the door open. "You drive."

"What the hell for?"

"You need to appreciate this."

"And I can't do that from the passenger's seat?"

"It's not the same. Get out. Let's go."

Mulder heaved a long sigh and switched places with Krycek. He pulled back onto the road and continued on to their destination.

"Well?" Krycek said impatiently.

"Well what?"

He cocked his head and scowled at Mulder.

"*Yeah*, it's nice."

"We're on a straightaway. Open her up."

"I *said* it was nice..."

"Would you just...*please*..."

"All right, all right." Mulder threw it into high gear and in seconds, reached a speed in excess of seventy.

"Happy?" he shouted over the roar of engine and wind.

Alex closed his eyes and threw his head back. "Aren't you? Come on, Fox. Can't you feel it?"

Mulder fell silent and concentrated on the loud rumble that surrounded him and the feel of barely contained power at his fingertips. He had to admit, it did have a wee bit of an erotic quality to it. And okay, maybe it wouldn't be such a bad idea for Alex to consider trading in his car. 

He smiled.

Or maybe he'd just buy his own...

It *did* feel good. Too good. That steady rumble beneath him was *not* a good thing. Ordinarily it would be, but...

Alex's eyes flew open as he felt the car begin to slow. His head rolled to Mulder's direction. "What are you doing?"

"Slowing down to a speed less apt to kill us."

Long sigh. "Yeah, okay....but wasn't it cool?"

The corner of Mulder's mouth twitched. "Yeah, Alex. It was cool."

  
They arrived at the restaurant windblown but in one piece and were almost immediately escorted to their outdoor table.

"Hope you don't mind," Alex said, "but they told me that the terrace provided a spectacular view."

"No. Not at all." Mulder observed the ocean scene. "It *is* beautiful." He glanced at Alex who at the moment had his eyes trained on the seascape before them. 

The view was beautiful but could never rival the one right before him. His eyes slid over the man across the table, marveling at the way the lengthening shadows of the coming evening touched him in all the right places, softening and caressing. The waning sunlight highlighting and illuminating and when he turned, Mulder's breath caught in his throat. A pale orangy-yellow band of sunlight fell across his eyes, catching in them, being absorbed, giving them a warm glow all their own.

"You okay?"

Mulder blinked. "Okay?"

"Yeah. You seem like you're somewhere else."

"No," he murmured softly. "No, I'm right here."

Before the conversation could continue, the waiter arrived with menus, took their drink orders, then departed. After he'd gone, Mulder looked around. "Not a whole lot of people," he said, noting only four other couples on the large terrace, one of which was another couple of men.

"We got what we wanted then, didn't we? Privacy. Quiet."

Mulder nodded in agreement.

They sat quietly together enjoying their surroundings and sharing long lingering looks until the waiter returned with their drinks. Mulder gave the waiter his dinner order first and began to glance around the terrace. He hadn't noticed it before, but there was music playing. He probably wouldn't have taken notice *now* were it not for the fact that two of the couples had gotten up to dance. He focused in on the male couple, wrapped around each other, swaying in time to the music. 

Krycek finished ordering and turned to watch Mulder, watching the men. Long minutes went by before he leaned across the table and spoke softly to his entranced partner.

"What do you say?"

"Hmm?"

Krycek motioned to the floor with a tiny toss of his head.

Mulder opened his mouth then closed it again, not knowing how to answer.

"Come on," Alex prodded softly.

"I don't think so."

"Why not?"

Mulder shrugged. "I just...I don't..." He grimaced and fell silent.

"Okay." Krycek reached out, taking his hand. "I just thought that maybe you wanted to. You seemed to be watching them so intently."

"I guess I'm just surprised. They seem so..." he struggled for the words. Krycek finished the sentence for him.

"Relaxed? Oblivious?"

"Yeah."

"This is the Bahamas. They're much more laid back here."

"I guess so."

They went on to other subjects but every now and then, Mulder couldn't help sneeking glances at the couple who had since returned to their table. They sat close together, laughing and touching, sharing tiny kisses and intimate whispers. 

They lingered a while after dinner was finished, sipping wine until the sun completely disappeared beneath the horizon.

"How was your meal?" Krycek asked, finally weary of the silence.

"Very good."

"I wasn't sure you liked it. You didn't eat that much."

"No, I really liked it. It was just very filling."

Krycek drained his glass. Mulder took two more small sips of his wine, then set the glass down, pushing it away. 

"Want to get going?"

"You don't have to rush. Finish your wine."

"I've had enough."

"All right, then."

After Mulder won the ten minute argument over who was going to pay the bill, they left the restaurant. As they passed through the parking lot, a voice out of the darkness spun them around.

"Remember when we were that age, Jack?"

A soft chuckle followed by another voice. "Remember when we were that *handsome*?"

The two men from the terrace.

They leaned side by side up against a blue Cadillac, one drawing deeply on a cigarette. Mulder froze, studying them curiosly. Krycek smiled and started to turn away.

"Have a nice evening, gentlemen."

"How long have you boys been together?"

He stopped and turned back. Casting a sideways glance at Mulder, he answered. "Not long."

"Weeks? Months...days?"

Krycek sighed, not knowing how to answer and wondered at the same time why he should answer at all. "Less than a year."

"Remember our first year, Jack?"

"Yeah. The newness. The excitement..."

"How long have you been together?" 

Krycek turned surprised eyes to Mulder.

Jack smiled. "He speaks."

Eric stamped out his cigarette and blew a long stream of smoke out of his lungs. "Fifteen years."

"You're still very close."

Eric nodded. "What people don't understand is that our relationships are not much different than those of men and women. We love, too. And we certainly are capable of spending our lives with only one person." He skimmed his knuckles across Jack's cheek. "Right, babe?"

Jack caught the other man's hand and pressed a kiss into it. He turned his head to the young men. "You boys in love?"

Mulder and Krycek looked at each other. They'd admitted it to each other but never to anyone else. Well, besides Scully and *then*, it was only Krycek she'd heard the words from.

Mulder was first to answer.

"Yes."

Krycek smiled softly and ran the back of his hand down Mulder's arm.

Eric nudged Jack's arm. "I knew it."

"Yeah, you knew it."

"Good luck kids. Enjoy your stay on the island."

"Thanks. We will." Krycek hooked a finger around one of Mulder's and motioned toward the car. Mulder gave the men a slight trace of a smile, then let Krycek lead him away.

Once they were on their way, Mulder settled into a pensive silence. Krycek allowed him some time to himself, then reached across the seat and covered his hand.

"Talk to me, lisa."

Mulder looked to the side, then again turned his eyes to the road. "Fifteen years."

"Long time."

Wary hazel eyes searched his face. "Do you ever think about the future?"

"Our future or the future in general?"

Mulder stared silently at him. His expression was answer enough.

"Sure. I think about it."

"Do you ever think of us in the long-term?"

Krycek squeezed his hand. "I'm here for as long as you want me."

The tone in his voice left no room for 'what ifs'. Mulder gave a barely noticeable nod of his head, then turned his attention back to the road.

9:52 p.m.

Krycek pushed the bedroom door open and let Mulder enter first. He watched from the doorway as Mulder wandered into the room and toward the French doors. He swung them open and stood there, staring out into the starlit sky.

"Another beautiful night," he observed. "This place has got to be as close to paradise as you can get."

He heard no answer, only the soft sounds of music coming from behind. The volume increased slightly and he closed his eyes. 

Nice. Soulful...sexy.

He cocked his head ever so slightly as a new sound was added.

"You are...  
my life  
I have to go on  
Have me  
any way you want to..."

Singing. A smooth alto, drifting closer. Right behind him. Vibrating gently against the side of his neck...

He opened his eyes as if it would help him to confirm what he was hearing.

"Just take care  
and love me till my tension's gone  
Cause you are  
my starship  
Come take me up tonight..."

Arms slipping around him. One at his waist, the other coming over   
his shoulder and down across his chest. Pulling him back against   
the warmth right behind him.

"And don't be late  
Yes you are  
my starship  
Come take me up tonight  
And don't be late  
And don't you come too soon..."

His eyes slipped shut again as his body was pulled into in a slow, rhythmic sweep. Alex continued his seductive serenade for a few minutes more, then turned Mulder around to face him. His eyes, mesmerizing. His voice softly persuasive.

"Dance with me."

Not waiting for an answer, he pulled his lover into his arms and began to sway in time to the music. 

Mulder trembled as he wound his arms around Alex's neck and moved with him. Their eyes met and he lowered his head. He couldn't look at him. Here they were, wrapped in each others arms, their bodies touching everywhere two bodies could touch, writhing against each other in perfect harmony. Looking into his eyes was just too much. 

He was afraid.

Jesus, of what?

Of where this was going.

This had been such a good couple of weeks, with just a few exceptions and he was terrified of ruining it by finding out that his condition hadn't changed. 

//But you have to find out sooner or later.//

//Well, let's just make it a little later, okay? I'm not ready...//

The tightening of the material in the vicinity of his crotch told him something else.

He drew a few deep breaths and attempted to shake off the feeling.

No go.

His body tensed and he began to pull away.

"Alex..."

Krycek allowed him only a few inches distance.

"What's wrong?"

"I don't...I can't..."

"Fox, listen to me. This isn't going to go anywhere you don't want it to go."

Mulder shook his head. "It's not a matter of want."

"Okay. This won't go anywhere you're not *ready* for it to go."

"I'm sorry..."

"Stop. I told you about apologizing."

Mulder looked down and away. 

Alex slipped a hand under his chin and lifted. He smiled reassuringly. "It's okay. All I want to do is dance with you." He skimmed the stubble-roughened skin. "Is that all right?"

Mulder answered by melting back into him and they began to move once more. An eternity later, he spoke.

"You never told me you could sing."

The low rumble of his voice vibrated against Alex's cheek, drawing the younger man out of the sea of sensuality he'd been immersed in. He inhaled and exhaled slowly, then answered.

"Told you I was a choirboy."

"Yeah, when you were eight."

Silence.

"Do you have any other surprises for me?"

"Maybe yes, maybe no."

"Thanks for clearing that up."

"No problem...you sound tired."

"I guess I am, a little."

Krycek stopped their rocking motion. "Let's get some sleep, then."

Fifteen minutes later, they were settled into bed. As Krycek moved to draw Mulder into his arms, the older man stopped him. He pulled away and rolled back against the pillows. The confusion cleared from Alex's eyes as Mulder held his arms out to him. He rolled onto his side and tucked himself against the warm length of his lover's body. A gentle hand in his hair pulled his head down under the stubbled chin.

"You're tired too," Mulder whispered into his hair. "You try so hard not to let it show but I can see it."

"What would I be tired *from*? Marie does everything."

"You do plenty."

"Like what?"

"You worry about me and I know that lately, that's been a full time job. Stress is exhausting. *I* know."

"Well, I'm fine."

"Liar." He hugged Krycek to him. "All I've done the last few weeks is take all the comfort you've had to offer me. I need to give some back."

"You owe me nothing."

"How can you say that? I love you, Alex. And that brings with it a certain amount of responsibility. Or at least it should. I can't continue to ignore your feelings and needs because I've got problems..."

"Problems that *I* caused."

"So because of that, you think that you don't deserve my consideration? Say yes, and I'll beat your ass."

Krycek smiled into his chest. "I don't think that you're capable of that quite yet."

"I'll make that second on my 'to do' list."

"What's first?"

Mulder buried his face in his lover's hair and hugged him tighter still. "You."

Krycek quivered with silent laughter. "Let me get this straight. You're going to do me, then beat me."

Mulder smirked into his hair. "Mmm hmm."

"Could you maybe like...reverse that?"

"Beat you *then* do you?"

"Makes better sense. Unless you don't *want* to kiss all my boo boos and make em better." 

"Are you kidding?"

Krycek closed his eyes and rubbed his head against the sensitive skin of Mulder's throat. "You know, I have to admit...this *does* feel good. It's been so long. I loved waking up in the middle of the night and feeling your arms around me. I'd only be awake for a few minutes but it was during those few minutes that I'd really felt that maybe I wasn't so worthless after all..."

"Why then?"

"There's truth in sleep." His hand traveled slowly up and down Mulder's arm. "I fell asleep in your arms but never expected to wake up there. It's only natural to move during the night. Nobody falls asleep and wakes up in the same position. But you never let me go. And I *knew* I was wanted." 

Mulder laid his palm against Alex's face and brushed his thumb back and forth across his cheekbone. "I want you to know that all the time, Alex. Not just in the middle of the night. Don't ever doubt that I want you. All of you. Always."

Krycek shifted, releasing a tiny flutter of kisses across Mulder's collarbone. His mouth traveled up the slender length of his lover's throat, over his chin and finally coming to rest tenderly against the full lips. He pulled away and once again snuggled against Mulder's chest. They lay quietly together, losing themselves in each other and the soft music that still wafted through the room. The last CD finished and there was no other sound but those of deep, peaceful sleep.

  
Tuesday, 2:55 p.m.  
less than one week later

Krycek treaded water, watching entranced as Mulder's lithe body cut gracefully, effortlessly, through the ocean. The sun danced madly on each flash of skin as he stroked smoothly, in wide circles around his stationary partner. 

"Come on, we gotta get back," Krycek called without conviction. "You don't want to lose our reservation, do you?"

Mulder had felt like a swim before they went out to dinner and as soon as they'd gotten down to the beach, he unceremoniously stripped off his shirt and plunged into the water. He'd gone out probably ten yards before truning around to find Krycek still standing on the shore.

"You coming?"

Krycek shook his head, smiling as he kicked off his topsiders and swam out to meet him.

"Race you."

"My, aren't *we* feeling frisky this afternoon."

Mulder's eyes sparkled. "Well?"

"Let's just have a nice swim. I don't want you to overdo it."

Mulder would not be put off. He began to swim in circles around Krycek, taunting him. "Whatsa matter? Afraid I'll beat you?"

"Ha! I could beat you on your best day."

"Well? Put up or shut up."

Krycek snorted. "Where to?"

Mulder squinted at the shore and pointed out a particularly conspicuous formation of rocks. "To there and back. Ready?"

"Whoa! Hang on, now." Krycek grinned. "Care to make it interesting?"

Mulder cocked his head. "What'd you have in mind?"

"Nothing too unreasonable. Loser makes the winner breakfast in bed for a week."

"Fine. I'll give you my order later."

"Oh, Fox. My poor beautiful, delusional Fox. This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you."

"That's sweet. Are you ready?"

"Let's go."

Krycek was a good swimmer. Excellent, in fact. He gave the older man a run for his money, but it was Mulder who won, beating him by at least four lengths. 

Laughter greeted him as he reached the point from which they'd started.

"Well.....let's see now...." Mulder began to backstroke around Krycek, grinning triumphantly. "Tomorrow, I'd like...uhhhhh....pineapple pancakes, I think."

"I *let* you win."

"Bullshit. Bacon...crisp, but not burnt....fresh squeezed orange juice..."

"I was just trying to build your confidence."

"Uh huh. Right. Admit it. You *couldn't* beat me." He turned over and continued to swim around Krycek. "On Thursday....french toast. I like it sweet and a little on the dry side. I hate it when it's soggy..."

"How long are you going to gloat?"

"I don't know. A while, probably....ham. Thinly sliced...fried..."

"You're supposed to be gracious in victory."

"I thought I was. I *could* make you serve me wearing nothing but a G-string..." He stopped swimming and stared off into the distance. "Hmm."

He arched and disappeared beneath the surface, leaving Krycek to contemplate the meaning of that 'hmm'. While he was wondering, he felt something brush the back of his shin. By the time he'd turned around, it was gone.

Not it. Him.

Another brush. Higher this time, right across the small of his back. Krycek smiled and turned again.

Nothing.

"You gotta surface sometime," he shouted at the water. "I'll j..." He groaned. The latest contact came across the front of his thighs. Dangerously close to his crotch. "Come on, now..."

The swish as Mulder surfaced behind Krycek was swallowed in the continuous crash of the ocean. One arm clamped around his chest and the other around his neck, catching him by surprise and dragging him backward.

"Shit!" He ceased his initial struggle for balance and relaxed, letting Mulder pull him along. 

"Sorry, did I scare you?"

"Scare me? Well, if you consider taking ten years off a guy's life scaring him, then yeah. You scared me."

"You *knew* it was me..."

"I never expected that you were going to grab me like that."

Cool, wet lips grazed his cheek. He winced and groaned softly, feeling Mulder's teeth close around his earlobe. He tugged gently at the ear then released it and Krycek. He glided away and began to swim in circle around him.

"Dinner, Fox..."

"Okay, okay. Two more minutes."

Krycek waited patiently, thankful for the seemingly dramatic change in Mulder's mood. He'd been in relatively good humor lately but today was exceptional. He'd never seen him more relaxed and he'd be damned if he was going to do anything to spoil his playful mood.

Finally, after executing a few lazy circles around his patient lover, Mulder started swimming in a straight line for the shore.

"Come on," he called to Krycek. "Do you want to lose our reservation?"

Krycek tipped his head up and blinked into the sun. "Didn't I just say that a little while ago?" He swam to catch up to Mulder, who was already halfway to shore.

  
4:50 p.m.

"...and on Thursday, banana walnut muffins...from scratch..."

Krycek closed the bedroom door behind them as they entered. "Are you enjoying yourself?"

Mulder spun to face him, eyes sparkling. "Very much."

Krycek made a faint rasping sound in the back of his throat and walked to his closet. "I'm going to take a shower," he announced as he pulled out a shirt and pair of pants. Before he could close the door a pair of arms imprisoned him and warm breath fanned his ear. the seductively low voice closed his eyes and brought a smile to his face.

"That was nice."

"Yeah, I'll *bet* it was."

Soft chuckle. "I don't mean because I beat you. Well...that was fun but it's not what I meant. I just had a good time in general."

"Yeah?"

"Mmm hmm."

Krycek caressed the arm across his chest. "Good. Well...I'd better get into the shower." He paused, hoping to hear an offer to join him but none was forthcoming. He untangled himself from Mulder's embrace and went into the bathroom. Had he turned around, he wouldn't have missed the devious grin on the other man's face.

Alex entered the bathroom and closed the door, leaning against it.

//Shit.//

Didn't Fox realize what the hell he was doing? Couldn't he feel the rapid pounding of the heart beneath his hand? Didn't he know the amount of damage he caused when he spoke in that tone? He couldn't know or he wouldn't do it...would he? He drew in a deep breath and let it out slowly.

//Shit, shit.//

Time to hit the shower.

Mulder listened at the door, waiting to hear the shower go on. When it did, he waited a few minutes more, then eased the door open and peeked inside. A quick glance at the opaque shower door told him that Alex was inside. He slipped into the room, pulling his shirt over his head. As his hand moved to the button of his shorts, he looked back toward the shower door. The smile fell from his face as he got a better look at Alex's profile. He was leaning against the wall of the shower, head thrown back as his hand worked quickly and steadily on his erect cock.

Mulder stood frozen for a moment, trying to swallow past the lump that had suddenly risen to his throat. The small gasp he heard above the running water spurred him into action. He picked his shirt up and quietly left the room.

Back in the bedroom once more, he slipped the shirt on and went out to the veranda. He sat heavily in one of the two chairs, his mind racing in a dozen different directions at once.

//Come on, now. What did you expect? Did you really think that he's gone all this time without it just because you have?//

//I didn't want him to! I wanted to take care of him and he wouldn't let me!//

//He told you why he didn't want you to.//

//But I needed to. I needed to feel like I wasn't totally useless.//

//You never told him that.//

//Did I have to? I begged him and he refused. No wonder. What did he need *me* for?//

"Fox?"

Mulder's head jerked in the direction of the voice coming from right behind him. Krycek smiled and laid a hand on his shoulder. The smile was replaced by a look of curiosity as he felt the muscles tighten beneath his hand.

"What's up?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing," Krycek repeated. "That look on your face tells me that it's something."

//Let it go, Mulder. Don't ruin everything. It's not that big a deal.//

He stood and faced Krycek, trying his level best to look nonchalant. "I'm fine. Really."

Krycek studied him, not believing his words for a second.

"I'd better go get ready." Without another word, Mulder brushed by him and headed for the bathroom. 

Krycek stared after him completely mystified. 

//What the hell happened?//

Still pondering that question, he started to get dressed.

Mulder appeared twenty minutes later, gorgeous as usual, but still looking very much troubled. 

"We'd uh, better get going," Krycek said softly.

"I'm ready."

"We don't have to go if you don't feel up to it, you know."

"I told you, I'm fine. Besides, the reservations are made."

"It doesn't matter about the reservations."

"I *want* to go, okay? Come on." Without any more conversation, they left for the restaurant.

  
6:57 p.m.

Alex looked around the dining room. "This is nice, huh?"

"Yeah." Mulder stared down into his wine glass.

Krycek chewed his bottom lip for a moment then reached across the small table, covering Mulder's hand with his own.

"Baby, tell me what's wrong. What happened between the time I went in to the shower and the time I got out?"

"*Nothing*."

"How can you expect me to believe that?"

Mulder shrugged and lifted the glass to his lips.

"Lisa..."

"Leave it alone okay, Alex?"

There was no anger in his voice, just a kind of sadness that disturbed Krycek more than any irritation would have.

He released Mulder's hand. "Okay. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to bug you, I'm just worried, that's all."

"There's nothing for you to be worried about. Everything's fine."

Krycek pinched the bridge of his nose. He could feel the beginings of a throbbing headache. 

Christ.//

How could such a wonderful, promising day turn around so quickly? 

  
7:29 p.m.

"Oh my God. Nicole, you should see the two guys in the other dining room. They're *gorgeous*!"

"Yeah?"

"Shit, yeah! Go look!"

"What am I supposed to do, Deb? Just walk in there, gawk at them, then walk back?"

"No! Go to the ladies room, stay in there a minute, *then* come back."

"Nah."

"Come *on*, Nic! You *gotta* see them!"

"Okay, okay. I suppose you won't leave me alone till I do."

The young woman was gone nearly ten minutes before her companion saw her returning, hand raised to her chest.

"My, my, my."

Deb laughed. "Let's get 'em before somebody else does. Which one do you want? I'll let you pick, cause I just can't make up my mind."

"Sorry, kid. They're attached."

"Damn! There are women with them, now?"

"No."

"So who are they attached to?"

"Each other."

"You're kidding. How do you know?"

"I know."

"*How* do you know? Where they kissing?"

"No."

"Holding hands?"

"Nope."

"*So*?"

"Okay. The one with the lighter hair is picking at his food and brooding. And the dark one is really concerned."

Deb stared at her. "And from that, you're assuming that they're a couple?"

Nicole nodded. "Since when does a guy friend care so much about whether or not his buddy is eating?"

"If you were upset about something and had no appetite, I'd care."

"We're women. I'm not saying that guys might not be concerned. It's possible. But the *look* on the dark one's face...trust me. It's more than buddy-buddy."

Deb sighed. "Are you sure?"

"Wish I could say I wasn't."

"Damn."

Krycek watched as Mulder pushed the food around on his plate. "Do you feel okay?"

Mulder managed a weak smile. "Yeah. Just not very hungry, I guess."

Krycek grinned. "Trying to get me to feed you, again?"

"No."

"Well...if you don't eat tonight, I guess I'm in for a lot of cooking tomorrow morning."

Mulder shook his head. "Forget about that."

"Nooo, no. A bet's a bet. I lost...much as it pains me to say it, and I intend to honor our bet."

Mulder knew that if he said any more, Krycek would end up right back on the 'what's the matter' thing, so he elected to keep quiet.

That quiet continued on the drive home. Not until they entered the house, did Mulder finally speak. 

"You know, I'm exhausted. I think I'll go up to bed."

Krycek set the keys down on an end table and looked up at him. "Do you want to be alone?"

Mulder blinked. "Uh...I didn't....I....it's just that it's early and I didn't think that you'd want to turn in right now."

Krycek nodded. "Yeah. You're uh...you're right. You go on. I'll be up later."

Mulder's eyes cut away and he proceeded up the stairs to the second floor.

Krycek watched his ascent then dropped onto the sofa, pressing his knuckles to his temples and rubbing in small, firm circles.

Upstairs, Mulder stripped and fell into bed. He stared up at the ceiling, his mind screaming at him.

//What are you doing? Why the fuck do you do this shit? You're screwing up what was a perfect day. If you hadn't reacted like such a baby and just gotten into the shower with him, it could have been really great.//

//And maybe he's perfectly happy with the way things are and wouldn't have appreciated the interruption.//

//Oh, please. That sounds crazy, even to you.//

Fifteen minues later, he gave up the one way argument and fell into an uneasy sleep.

  
Wednesday  
1:12 a.m.

Krycek stirred. A faint sound drew him out of sleep and into semi-consciousness. As he began to blink, another sound brought him upright on the sofa, where he'd fallen asleep. He shook off the heaviness and bolted for the stairs. 

As he reached the last door on the right, Mulder's voice, pleading and desperate, sounded from within the room.

He threw the door open and ran to the bed, where Mulder was twisting and sobbing his name.

"Fox." He shook Mulder gently. "Fox! Wake up." He tapped the stubbled cheek with his palm. "Come on. Wake up!"

Mulder's eyes opened and stared up into Alex's shadowed face. He turned away, trembling violently.

"Fox," Krycek's voice softened as he lay behind the shaking man and tucked an arm around his chest. "I'm here. It's okay. Everything's okay. Take a deep breath and try to relax. Does it hurt much?"

"Do you care?" Mulder ground out between clenched teeth.

"You *know* I do. Why would you ask me that?"

Mulder gave no response. He buried his face into the pillows and drew his knees up.

Krycek released a soft hiss of breath and kissed the back of Mulder's neck. Then the the curve of his shoulder. The muscle quivered beneath his touch.

"Don't."

A rasping plea so soft, he almost hadn't heard it.

"Don't what? Don't try to make you feel better? Don't show you that I love you? Sorry. Can't do it. You don't want me so close to you?" His hand slid up and down Mulder's arm. "You don't want me to touch you? Tell me. Push me away."

Mulder didn't move. He didn't speak. The only sound that came from him was a deep, distressed wheeze. Krycek hesitated a few seconds more, then dropped the softest of kisses into his hair. "If there was anything I could do to make this go away," he whispered, "you have to know that I'd do it."

Still nothing.

"You had the dream again because of something that happened this afternoon, didn't you? Things had been so good until then. You were eating. The dreams had stopped. I even thought that maybe...well..."

Mulder turned his head. The dim moonlight illuminated his face just enough so that Krycek could see the pain still etched in his features.

"Sorry to disappoint you."

"I'm *not* disappointed..."

"No. Why should you be?"

"What does *that* mean?"

Silence.

He could feel his headache coming back. Worse than before, yet he knew it couldn't compare to the pain that his Fox was suffering. He shifted higher against the pillows, pulling the tense, prone body back against his. He stroked the golden-brown hair again and again, half expecting some sort of protest but received none.

"Relax, baby. Try to go back to sleep. You'll feel better in the morning." He wasn't sure he believed that but at this point, he was at a total loss for anything else to say. He continued to caress Mulder's heated skin and speak soothing words to him until he finally fell asleep. Even after his respiration slowed and his body stopped trembling, Krycek continued to lightly massage his arm and chest. The action was no longer for Mulder, but for himself. He needed the closeness and comfort. He needed to feel that things hadn't gone as downhill as they seemed to have done, even if just for tonight. He curled himself tightly around his sleeping Fox and closed his eyes.

  
Thursday, 9:12 a.m.

Mulder opened his eyes and sniffed at the subtle odor that wafted by his nose.

Pancakes. Pineapple to be exact.

Just as he was sitting up, Alex entered the room with a large tray. He looked shyly at Mulder.

"Morning."

"You didn't have to do this. I told you..."

"I wanted to. How do you feel?"

"Okay."

"Hungry?"

"Smells good. Let me just go brush my teeth, at least. Be right back."

Krycek waited patiently until Mulder returned five minutes later. As he headed for the table, Alex's voice stopped him.

"I believe that the bet was breakfast in *bed*."

Mulder turned around without argument and slipped back under the sheet. Krycek placed the tray down in front of him, the legs straddling his thighs. He removed the silver lid from the dish and handed Mulder a forest green napkin. He took the linen cloth and dropped it into his lap.

Krycek watched as the first forkful went into his mouth. 

"Good?"

"Yeah. Thank you. Did you eat?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Just wasn't hungry."

"You wouldn't appreciate it if *I* didn't want to eat..." He cut into the huge stack of pancakes and held the fork out the Krycek.

His eyes never leaving Mulder's, Krycek leaned forward and opened his mouth. Mulder placed the fork into his mouth and withdrew as his lips closed around it. He chewed slowly and swallowed as Mulder ate some more. 

"Fox?"

"Hmm?"

Krycek hesitated, not entirely sure that he should ask. 

"What?"

"Are....are we okay?"

Mulder blinked twice and looked down at his plate. "I'm sorry about yesterday."

"Sorry about what? Tell me what it was that got you so upset in the first place."

Mulder shook his head. "Can we just drop it? Just chalk it up to me being foolish and let it go at that."

Ah, if only he could. Krycek pushed the issue, much to the protestations of the little voice in the back of his head.

"But what do you think you were being foolish about? I don't understand."

Mulder set his fork down. "Forget it, Alex. Please."

"I don't know that I can. You were upset. Enough to trigger another dream. I want to see those dreams gone for good. I want you to be at peace. How can I help you if I don't know what's wrong?"

"Maybe you *can't* help me with everything. Stop knocking yourself out trying."

He was irritated again. Alex could hear it in his voice and immediately backed off.

"Okay. I'm sorry." He covered Mulder's hand. "I'm sorry. Finish your breakfast."

Mulder took one more bite, then pushed the tray away. "I'm not hungry anymore. I'm sorry you went to so much trouble."

Alex hesitated, staring down at his own hand, gathering and twisting bits of ivory sheet. "It's okay," he said softly, then rose to clear away the tray. Once Alex was gone, he threw himself back against the pillows and swore aloud.

"Fuck!"

He threw the sheet off and stormed off in the direction of the bathroom.

 

* * *

 

10:56 p.m.

Mulder stared out at the beach, straining to see. The light of the almost full moon, bright though it was, didn't afford him much illumination.

Where the hell was he?

Alex had gone out for a walk two hours ago and had yet to return. 

Mulder groaned. When Alex made the announcement after dinner, he'd gotten the distinct impression that he wanted to be alone. He couldn't blame him. They'd spent the day in one of two ways. In silence or apart. 

It was insane.

Mulder knew that all he had to do was go to Alex and put his arms around him. Apologize sincerely for his behavior...then *explain* said behavior. Not a difficult thing to do. It was damn easy, in fact.

So why couldn't he do it?

And now Alex was gone. Off for a walk. Alone. For two hours.

//Go look for him.//

//And if you find him, then what?//

//Talk to him, you freakin' idiot. Tell him what he wants to know.//

//I don't know...//

//What's not to know? It's not that hard. He'll understand. Christ, he's understood a hell of a lot more than this. Do it. Put all this shit to rest once and for all. Unless you *want* to lose him...//

Mulder spun around and stalked out of the room.

  
11:13 p.m.

Alex sat against the rocks, hidden from view. Mulder almost walked right by him, but the sensation of his presence was strong. Mulder stopped and turned slowly, peering into the near darkness. He stopped as he caught sight of the dark figure sitting silently, about eight feet away.

"Where you just going to let me walk right by you?"

Krycek answered his question with a question.

"What are you doing out here? I thought you'd be asleep by now."

"I wouldn't be able to sleep knowing that you were still out here. What are you doing?"

"Sitting. Listening to the ocean. Thinking."

"About?"

"Us. This." His eyes glistened in the moonlight. "I don't know what else to do. I've tried so hard and still I've failed."

Mulder shook his head. "You haven't failed..."

"Of course I have. Look at us. We're not happy. Yeah, we had a few good days, but what does that mean after a couple of days like yesterday and today?"

"It means that I'm an impossible mess. And it's not your fault. You *have* tried. You've made a superhuman effort and I've sabotaged that effort at every turn. What can you do if I won't help you?" He walked over to Alex and sank down into the sand beside him. "I wouldn't blame you if you wanted to throw in the towel and hop a plane back to the states tomorrow."

"I thought about it," Krycek answered honestly.

Mulder cast his eyes downward. "Have you made a decision?"

"That's what I was thinking about when you got here."

"And?"

"I vowed that I wouldn't leave your side. That I'd do whatever I had to, to put this right....but I don't know what else to do. I think I've tried just about everything and still, when all is said and done, I've gotten nowhere."

"You don't have keep that vow, Alex. If you've had enough, and I wouldn't blame you if you have, we can stop this. I hate thinking that you're unhappy here with me but you're just hanging around because of some promise you refuse to break."

"Fox...*you're* the reason I've stayed. Did you forget that? The promises I've made, the things I've done...they're all because I love you."

"And look what it's gotten you. Nothing but misery."

Krycek shook his head. "Because you won't *talk* to me. I can handle all the rest of it. We can get through it together if only you'd open up your mouth and *talk* to me."

Mulder picked his head up and met the tired green eyes.

"I'm begging you, Fox. Trust me enough to tell me what you're afraid of. I'll help you work through it. You just have to let me."

Mulder lowered his eyes.

"Why are you so afraid to tell me? What do you think is going to happen?"

"I don't know."

"The only times you've ever expressed your fears about me leaving you, you've been under extreme stress. Anytime I've ever tried to initiate a regular conversation with you about it, you shut down. I've tried in every way I know how to let you know that I'm here to stay. Why doesn't it sink in?"

Mulder sat quietly for a moment, gathering his thoughts. Then, "I...haven't had many personal relationships. Outside of my family and Scully, I've only had one other."

"Phoebe Greene."

Mulder raised his eyes to Krycek's face. The other man lifted one shoulder and let it drop.

"Anyway, it was a disaster. All she wanted was to play with my head. After her, I smartened up. No more relationships. Not that kind. I never again allowed myself to get close to anyone. To trust or become emotionally dependent on anyone, until a few months ago. I never thought I'd take to it so readily, but I did. And when you were gone so suddenly from my life, I couldn't handle it. I'm like an addict Alex, and you're my fix. Scully kept telling me that I needed to get over you but it was so much easier said than done. I'd do okay for a short while then something would happen to make me think of you and I'd be gone again. I tried telling myself that needing someone as much as I needed you couldn't be good. I'd fallen into such a deep depression that Scully was actually afraid I wasn't going to make it." He stared out into the darkness. "Sometimes, in a particularly weak moment, I'd wish that I wouldn't."

Krycek's eyes closed. His jaw worked convulsively. 

"It was frightening sometimes, needing you the way I did. Missing you. I felt so out of control..."

Alex interrupted. "...The way you *did*?"

Mulder regarded him. His eyes glowed softly in this light. He corrected his statement. "Do. I *do* need you, Alex."

"But?"

"But...I'm afraid. I'm afraid of needing you too much. If you left me....I couldn't...I couldn't go through that again..."

"Fox, I'm not going anywhere."

"You were just thinking about it..."

"Right. I was *thinking*. Just thinking."

"But you could decide..."

Krycek rose suddenly and stalked back and forth. "How many goddamn times do I have to say it?" He turned away and shouted into the night. "I'm not going to leave you!"

Mulder got his feet as well. "*You* wanted to know how I felt, remember? *This* is how I feel! I can't help it. If you can't deal with that, I'm sorry. Believe me, I'd really prefer *not* to feel this way!"

Krycek spun around. "What were you upset about yesterday?"

Mulder's anger seeped away. "Haven't you heard enough?"

"No! I want all of it!"

No answer.

Krycek advanced and grabbed Mulder's shoulders. His fingers bit into the soft skin.

"*Tell* me!"

"I saw you in the shower!"

Krycek blinked, unable for a moment to respond. Mulder went on.

"Yesterday *was* a good day. I felt *strong* and *relaxed*. And I had every intention of surprising you in the shower. I snuck in a few minutes after you'd gone in and I saw you in there, against the wall...jerking off."

Krycek's hands slipped away from Mulder's shoulders and hung limply at his sides.

"I would beg you Alex, to let me...but you wouldn't. I was always disappointed but I tried to understand that you were just concerned about me. I never gave any thought to the fact that you must have been taking care of yourself and when I saw you yesterday, it just...it threw me. I felt so completely useless. So unnecessary."

"That's not true..."

"Maybe not, but it's how I felt. I knew it was unreasonable and I was trying to deal with it *myself*. You didn't need any more to worry about."

"Do you still feel that way?"

"What way?"

"Unnecessary."

Mulder looked down at the sand between them and shrugged. "I'm trying..."

Krycek stepped forward until their bodies were about as close as they could be without touching.

"Listen to me. You are *not* useless, unnecessary or anything else along those lines. You couldn't *be* more necessary. Don't you know that you're the center of my world and that I was just as miserable as you were while we were apart? *You* were all there was between me and the barrel of my gun. If you had died, I wouldn't have stayed. There wouldn't be anything left to stay *for*. It..." his eyes filled with tears. "...it hurt so much." He swiped at one eye with the back of his hand. "Don't you see? Once I had you back, how could I ever dream of leaving you?"

Mulder leaned forward a fraction then stopped. Alex stood motionless, gasping soft, ragged breaths. He sucked the last one in and held it as he felt his Fox's lips against his face, kissing a tear away as it rolled down over his cheekbone.

Alex brought his hands up, curling his fingers in Mulder's shirt and rested his forehead against his shoulder. He uttered a broken, last-ditch, desperate plea.

"Please...*please*, can't we fix this?"

Mulder wrapped his arms around Alex and pulled him closer. "I want to. God knows I do. I know I haven't acted like it at times."

Krycek lifted his head from Mulder's shoulder and sniffed. "Do you think you can give me your complete trust?"

Mulder studied him for a brief moment before nodding.

"Are you sure?"

"...Yeah."

Cautiously, Alex leaned forward and touched his lips to Mulder's. He pulled away almost immediately and waited. His eyelids drooped as fingertips, featherlight, whispered across his bottom lip. He forced himself to refocus on the turbulent hazel eyes that watched him so intently.

"I'm..." he stopped to clear his throat. "I'm sorry about yesterday. Please believe that I would much rather have *your* hands on me..."

Mulder's fingers left Alex's mouth, sweeping down the length of his throat and coming to rest at the opening of his shirt. He traced small lazy designs there, teasing the sparse dark hairs that peeked above the midnight blue silk.

"Like this?"

Krycek nodded, unable to speak. Christ, he really could do with a glass of water about now.

Their eyes met and locked. Mulder moved in, not closing his eyes until his lips gently covered Krycek's. The low moan that vibrated against his mouth, encouraged him to deepen the kiss. Krycek opened himself to it eagerly, his tongue meeting the one that had just slipped inside.

Mulder teased the warm interior for a few seconds more, then withdrew and kissed his lover's chin. The hand that was still stroking the small patch of exposed skin, dropped down to the buttons of Alex's shirt, undoing them slowly. When he'd reached the last visible button, he began to pull the shirt free of Alex's pants. Once he'd unfastened the remaining buttons, he slipped the shirt over the lean shoulders and let it drape down his back.

Alex flinched, groaning harshly as he felt that tongue again, sliding through his chest hair and over to an already tight, brown nipple.

"My God..."

His fingers wove through the golden brown hair and he lowered his face to it, nuzzling the silky strands. A gentle nip and pull on the hard little peak just about sent him over the edge. His fingers clenched reflexively and a coarse gasp escaped his throat. His head was swimming. His body began to scream it's need. His conscience...his fucking conscience shouted to him, trying to be heard above the din.

//What is he doing? And what are *you* doing, *letting* him do what he's doing?//

//Oh, give it a rest, would you? This constant attack of conscience is getting pretty tired...//

Alex felt like a cartoon character, sure that if he opened his eyes, he'd find a tiny little Alex, complete with pitchfork and horns, sitting on his shoulder.

//You want him, he wants you. He knows the chances and he's obviously willing to take them, so for the love of Christ, relax and enjoy the ride. Deal with the consequences later. //

//I can't, I...he's in so much pain after...//

//What the hell has happened to you, man? When did you become such an emotional sap?//

//The minute I realized how good it felt to love him and know that he loved me, no matter how unworthy I thought I was.//

Just as his mind was clearing, Alex felt himself being turned and backed against the rocks. The pop of the button at the waistband of his pants, forced a decision.

"Baby..."

Mulder paused, hand at the zipper. Reading Alex's expression, he leaned forward taking his mouth again, this time with an unrestrained hunger. Making his intention well known, daring and at the same time pleading for submission.

Krycek wrapped his arms around his lover, his acquiescent sigh devoured by the mouth that refused to release him until it drank in yet another soft moan.

"I'm tired of being careful, Alex. I'm sick of us tip toeing around this." He gripped the zipper and drew it downward. "I've missed touching you." He separated the material and brushed his knuckles against the hardness behind it. "I need to feel you in my hand..." 

Alex inhaled sharply as the other man slipped the pants and underwear over his slim hips and let them drop to the ground. Mulder's hand gently cradled his pulsing cock, stroking slowly along the velvety shaft.

"You're so hard," Mulder whispered, squeezing him gently. "Did I do this?"

"You know you did. Jesus Fox, just the thought of you does *this*."

While one hand teased Krycek's rigid cock, the other threaded through his hair, grasping the strands and pulling his head back. Starting at the base of his throat, Mulder licked a long, straight line all the way up to his chin.

"Mmmmmm......"

The rest of Krycek's moan was lost in another kiss. Tender, slow and seductive. Fanning the flames of lust, taking him past the point of rationality and straight into madness. 

Finally, Mulder released his mouth and slid back down his throat, planting tiny kisses along the way. He continued his descent and zig zagging to a nipple, pulled it into his mouth and tugged.

Krycek arched against his mouth and whimpered impatiently.

Feeling more than a little anxious himself, Mulder continued his downward journey. He sank to his knees in the sand, kissing and licking the smooth skin of his lover's stomach and hips, coming close to but never touching the rock solid erection that bobbed so temptingly before him. Summoning every last bit of restraint, he moved down to the muscular thighs. 

Krycek yelped, not so much in pain but surprise, as he felt Mulder's teeth nip at the sensitive skin of his inner thigh. The cry faded into a moan when the teeth were replaced by a warm,wet tongue, soothing and caressing...teasing. Moving steadily upward. He sucked in his breath, waiting.

Mulder nuzzled the heavy sac below Alex's cock, letting the fuzz tickle the tip of his tongue. Alex threw his head back and opened his mouth on a silent gasp. This was just too good. It was just too...

Before he could finish his thought, Mulder's lips closed around the head of his cock, sucking and licking greedily at the leaking tip.

Alex Krycek had never passed out before in his life, but had he not had the rocks behind him for support, he would most assuredly have dropped to the ground. He wound his fingers in Mulder's hair and thrust deeper into the welcoming heat of his mouth. A drawn out moan vibrated against the shaft, making him even harder, if that was at all possible.

"Moy lisa. God, that mouth is magic..."

Mulder gripped his hips and pulled him closer, taking his length as far down his throat as it would go. He pushed Krycek back about halfway, then pulled him forward again, encouraging him to thrust on his own.

Krycek complied eagerly, rocking his hips back and forth in ever quickening strokes. 

Mulder knew that from the increasing speed of his movements and noticeable change in his respiration, Alex wouldn't last much longer. He tightened the muscles in his arms, bringing Krycek to a very abrupt halt.

"Fox...what...no. *Please*."

Mulder released Alex from his mouth and rose to his feet. He placed a hand at the back of the younger man's head and titlted it forward. Alex opened his eyes and met the amber blaze that raged before him.

Without a word, Mulder's hand went to the buttons of his own shirt. He backed away slowly, undoing the buttons at the same maddening pace. Krycek watched for a few seconds, praying that this was no dream. He stepped out of the pants that were still pooled around his feet and moved forward. His eyes never leaving his lover's, he practically ripped his own shirt off as he stalked his prey. 

He caught up to Mulder just as the shirt was dropping from the other man's body. An arm around the slim waist, jerking forward and Mulder practically fell against his chest. He moved to take those sinfully full lips but Mulder avoided the kiss, drawing a frustrated moan from him. Mulder leaned in, brushing a soft kiss along the line of his jaw, then gently pushed him away. Alex watched hungrily as his hands dropped to the waistband of his pants, unbuttoning and unzipping.

//God, please...oh please...//

Green and gold glittered in the pale light of the moon as the remainder of Mulder's clothing was removed and kicked away.

Alex's eyes raked over the length of the body just a few feet before him. The excercise and Marie's cooking had begun to pay off. Mulder was filling out, gaining mass and muscle and not an ounce of it was lost on his lover.

Mulder stood quietly, bathed in shadow and dim light. His gaze slipped away then back up, through the veil of thick brown lashes. He was backing down. Turning control over to Alex.

The other man understood and responded to the submissive action, closing the short distance between them in a few long strides. 

A loud gasp. From one or possibly both men, as they came together. Skin against skin, pressing, sharing heat and hardness.

Mulder clung trembling to Alex as his hands knowingly traveled the familiar paths of the body he loved so much. "You are beautiful," Alex whispered against his ear, as his hands took a downward turn, following the line of his back to the delicious dip just before the gentle outward curve of his backside. 

Mulder groaned into Alex's shoulder as he was pulled closer. Held immobile as his lover's hips ground into his.

"Alex...oh Jesus, Alex..."

"Sshhhhh." Alex stroked his hair with one hand. He kissed Mulder's ear then murmured into it.

"On your knees."

Mulder lifted his head from Krycek's shoulder and looked into the glittering darkness of his eyes.

A command.

Issued gently, but a command nonetheless. And the businesslike look in his eyes left no room for debate. Not that Mulder had the desire to do anything of the kind. He kneeled obediently in the sand and waited, head tilted at a slight downward angle. 

Alex slipped a hand under his chin and lifted. He stroked the stubble-roughened skin there, with the tips of his fingers then moved to Mulder's cheek, doing the same with the back of his hand. He walked in a half circle, sliding his knuckles across the trembling lower lip. He came to a stop when he was directly behind the kneeling man. 

Mulder swallowed hard, anticipating...what? What was he doing? 

//Christ Alex, *do* something. A touch. A word. *Something*...//

Krycek read his thoughts and moved forward, stradling Mulder's calves. He slid his palms over his shoulders and down his chest, coming together briefly to feel the thundering heartbeat. He continued on, scraping his nails lightly against the flat nipples, ugring them into tighter buds.

Mulder inhaled deeply as Alex moved closer still, letting his cock brush firmly between his shoulderblades. His own erection throbbed, the increasing ache becoming more and more difficult to ignore. He was going to be in some serious agony later, but being here like this with Alex was worth it.

Krycek slid to his knees behind Mulder and wrapped one arm around his chest while his other hand cupped his lover's chin, tilting his head back. Mulder pushed back instinctively, against the hardness that teased him. He choked back a sob as Alex's hand momentarily left his face to help guide his cock between the rounded cheeks of his ass. Alex's hand returned once again, tipping Mulder's head back to his shoulder.

Mulder grasped Krycek's forearm with both hands, his fingers digging into the tanned skin. His breaths came in short, panting gasps.

Alex nipped at the tender skin of his neck, working his way up to and stopping at his ear. His hand held Mulder's head still while he expertly tongued the sensitive interior.

"Alex..." Mulder shook all over. "Please..."

"Shh, shh, shhhhhh. Listen to me, lisa." Krycek's hand swept slowly, up and down Mulder's chest. "Do you hear me?"

Mulder nodded.

Krycek pushed against him, wedging his cock tighter into the fleshy crevice and releasing a flood of new whimpers and moans.

"Shhh. Easy. You're too tense. I need you to relax. Can you do that for me?"

"I don't...don't know. It's s...so hard."

Krycek kissed the side of Mulder's neck and pulled away. Supporting the older man's quivering body, he eased him down onto his back, then stretched out beside him in the sand. He draped one long leg over Mulder's hips, his knee pressed snuggly against the base of his cock.

Mulder gritted his teeth and, letting his head roll to the side, closed his eyes. The next thing he felt was Alex's hand on his face. His thumb swept back and forth along the tight jaw.

"You're not relaxing. Come on, let the tension drain out of your body. Breathe slowly and concentrate on my voice. Breathe, Fox...that's right. Follow my voice. Hear only me." Krycek caressed his forehead. "Feel only me. You fear nothing. The world is yours." He bowed his head, brushing his lips against Mulder's flushed cheek. "*I'm* yours. Always. Nothing will separate us. Say it."

Mulder opened his eyes and turned them to the man hovering above him. He repeated the words as if in a trance. "Nothing will separate us."

"Believe it." Alex kissed the corner of his Fox's mouth. "This is *your* world. You can do anything. You can *have* anything."

Mulder stared up at him, mesmerized.

"Is there something you want?"

He nodded slowly.

Krycek held his eyes. "Take it."

Mulder reached up and, threading his fingers through the dark hair, pulled Krycek down to his waiting lips. The younger man melted into his lover's kiss, surrendering his will and body.

Taking the lead, Mulder rolled Alex beneath him. He covered the sweet mouth once more, muffling the soft grunt emitted from the constricted throat. An eternity later, Mulder broke the kiss and moved down the lithe body, scattering tiny kisses along the way.

Alex writhed and moaned, conveying his need with perfect clarity. His hips jerked upward and Mulder's name ripped from his throat as his lover unceremoniously sucked the complete length of his cock into his mouth.

Mulder maintained suction, prolonging the unbearable pressure until he was sure that Alex could take no more. He picked his head up slowly, flicking at the underside with the tip of his tongue then focused on the head, swirling his tongue around it, again and again. He paused abruptly, smiling. Hmm. That was different. Alex arched against his mouth, making a low mewling sound deep in his throat.

He drew the head into his mouth once more, but only briefly. Alex was more than ready and he didn't want to push it. Reluctantly, he let go, kissing the tip softly before rising up to settle his body on top of his lover's.

"God, I love you," Krycek breathed into his mouth as he came down for another kiss.

"Of course you do," Mulder whispered confidently, sliding his hands under the other man's knees and lifting. "This is *my* world."

Krycek's soft chuckle turned to a loud gasp as his lover entered him with one firm push.


End file.
